If I were a cop...

Please, just endulge my fantasy for a moment.

What is the fine for littering, anyway? The first thing I'd do if I were a cop is stop every single person I caught throwing out their cigarette butts. Neither the road, nor the grill of my car, are your personal ashtrays. Those little butts have a half-life longer than a pair of my socks, so put it in your ashtray or your ass. I don't care. Just keep it off the road.

I'd stop every mini van. I'd find a reason. End of statement.

I'd stop every person I caught refusing to drive in the right lane. What is your problem, stud? Can't you see the left lane is for passing? Okay, so you sleep on the left side of the bed and masturbate with your left hand. Neither is a reason for what you're doing. Slide over. Let the faster drivers pass, so I can bust their ass down the road doing 80 in a 65.

I'd stop my fellow cops for speeding up through yellow lights, failing to use their turn signal and for double parking. Of course it would be just to laugh at my own bombastic gall, because of course I believe in doing all these things. I would just want my fellow officers to come to hate me. I really don't know why.

I would stop every single person who ever passed me. Even if they're only doing the speed limit. I would want them to meet the cop they just had the balls to pass. No tickets, of course, just to say hello. And, that you have balls.

I'd throw in jail EVERY person who believes they are more important than the next guy. Some of those people include:

• The guy who is in the middle of the intersection stuck behind other cars when the light turns red. He's blocking traffic going the other way. He's an asshole. He's going to jail.
• The person who blocks traffic because they forgot they need to turn left. So they sit there with their turn signal on, blocking traffic behind them, so THEY can cut into the left turn lane when the cars in that lane begin to move. God forbid you would be considerate of others' schedules, you're the important one, right? SCREW you buddy, go straight and turn around. Don't make others wait behind you because you were daydreaming. And by "others," of course I mean me.
• The jackass who thinks he knows when the light is ready to turn green, so he starts going at that time. Little does asshole know, he has no anticipatory prowess, because the left turn signal going the opposite direction turned green instead. So half his car is in the intersection. And I'm there to bust his poor-timing, in-a-hurry ass. Me. The cop.

I have a very healthy fantasy life.