Friday, September 30, 2005

Dave's Friday Foto

My friend Debbie and me. Better days in New Orleans. I can't wait to get back there.

Brain Bouillabaisse

This guy might become somewhat of a folk hero.

"With his wife and two of his children sobbing in the front row, Ervell Hoover, 78, left court in shackles Thursday as the only person so far sent to prison in what officials say was a plot to kill the abusive husband of one of his daughters. He must serve at least 8 1/2 years."
I can't say what I would do if my daughter were married to an abusive husband. My first guess is, I'd beat hell out of the guy and move her out.

But as a protective father, all I can say is... I understand. The sad thing is, he will likely die in prison.

(I will print and send this article to Courtney's boyfriend this week)


Supermodel Tyra Banks is PROOF that supermodels, as a general rule, shouldn't have talk shows.

I saw about 10 minutes of it this morning. Wow.


This weekend, I'm headed to Louisville, KY for the annual Morris/Broche rendezvous. The reason for the trip is something called the St. James Court Art Show. It's an outdoor event in an old neighborhood in Louisville, with literally hundreds of artists, sculptors, photographers... strutting their stuff. I tend to eat too much, but I walk it all off. It's not like I'm a great judge of art, but I know what I like. I'll take pictures.


Anyone see the season premiere of Boston Legal? I've heard the criticism of David Kelly, the shows producer, that his plots and themes tend to get silly. Last year, I carefully watched for anything that indicated such, and found nothing glaring... although the uniqueness of the show is charming and it quickly became one of my favorites.

It didn't take long this season... the first episode was disappointing. The two main characters, Crane and Shore, were fantastic as usual... but two of the three cases were nothing close to believable, and much of the dialogue was silly. A mute concert cellist who testified by playing her cello, while her attorney "translated?" BAH! Come on.

Overall, the premiere was disappointing... but there were bright spots that made the show interesting and a welcome return.

It's also good to have House back, another great return from last year. Combine that with Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sopranos, Weeds, Six Feet Under, Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, Penn and Teller's Bullshit, Family Guy and The Daily Show... and I can see giving my big screen and Tivo a workout this fall/winter.


Thursday, September 29, 2005

Sleep On It

It's a method I've used many times to test my decision-making prowess, because the light of another day provides an amazingly fresh perspective.

It's the same with blogging. Many times I've looked at the stuff I wrote yesterday, last month, last year... and wanted to completely delete my blog and start over.

I won't actually do that, but I will be forced to read some of my old stuff as I'm following the instructions of Spinning Girl:


1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

My results:

"So by now you know, for me it's not the design, style or logo. But how it peels."

The entry it refers to.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Quiz me this...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender pours, the customer notices a picture on the wall behind the bar. He asks the bartender who it is.

"I'm glad you asked," said the bartender. "Brothers and sisters, I have none... but that man's father is my father's son."

"Ah! I know exactly who it is," said the customer. He slammed his Shirley Temple and left.

Multi part question:

A - What are the ingredients of a Shirley Temple?

B - How do you make an origami sheep?

C - Who is the subject in the picture?

First to correctly answer wins the origami sheep. No fair Googling it, I'll know. Gary, you're disqualified since I've told you this one.


We used to sit on the porch, my Grandpa and me, talking about the stars. Guessing how far they are, whether there are people out there and wishing we could afford a telescope. We had some binoculars and used them, but they didn't do much.

Our favorite television show, Grandpa's and mine, was Carl Sagan's* COSMOS. Every week, we'd make popcorn and sit down on Sunday night and watch PBS. It was fascinating to learn how small we, our species and planet, really were... and how relatively little we understand about the universe. For the time, 1980, the show's special effects and production value were absolutely impressive. Even by today's standards, it ranks up there with some of the finest work.

COSMOS is back on and I am a little embarrassed at my excitement. It brings back great old feelings and fascination, and renews my interest in science and nature. I own most of Sagan's books, and his research and work puts him up there with people like Copernicus and Einstein.

Through history, man has become more, then less, tolerant of science. During more progressive periods, people were hungry for facts and information, and free to ask questions. Then, during the darker epochs of history, they became intolerant of science and scorned those who embrace research and study. Why this warble happens is anybody's guess, but cycles, waves, circles... seem to be how everything works.

With the court battles again raging over teaching of evolution vs. creationism ("intelligent design") it seems we may be entering another cycle of change, and a darker epoch of intolerance.

Shame, really. I rather enjoy the light.

*Billions and b-b-billions of people know this guy.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


There seems to be order to the chaos if you step back far enough. Whoa, not THAT far.

On my visits to my favorite blogs this morning, it became obvious that people, through whatever means... telepathically, spiritually or plagiarizingly... are in sync. Since I'm fairly sure most of these people don't read each other's blogs, I must dismiss plagiarism.

There seem to be a lot of references to farts, butts, gayness, shoe purchasing and Kenny Loggins. It's uncanny, this synchronicity I experienced today.

Now, I'm a realist so I'm fairly sure there is an explanation for it. Perhaps today's news is laden with references to Jake Gyllenhaal and even the most staunch of heterosexual is questioning their orientation. Or a T-mobile billboard campaign featuring Catherine Zeta-Jones went up and women everywhere were forced to contemplate the unthinkable... that, if stranded on a desert island with Zeta-Jones and they were CERTAIN nobody would ever find out... hmmm. Would they? COULD they? (side note: there is not a woman alive who won't admit to being attracted to Catherine Zeta-Jones, and that's just hot)

It could be something completely different, perhaps Oprah had the cast of a broadway musical on her show yesterday, and long after the show had ended, the station had gone off the air and a test pattern appeared on the screen, male viewers, still torn... on one side by their own deep desire to take in a broadway show, and on the other to eat steak, change the oil and carouse women... remained entranced, sitting, staring in quiet contemplation while the 1000 hertz tone echoed through their houses. (this reference would have been a real diamond 20 years ago when television stations actually broadcast test patterns and tones after they left the air)

I might never find the answer as to why some days the blog world seems in sync... yet in bringing it up, I've done my part to perpetuate it.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Weekend wrap up (revised, updated, and now with pictures)

Occasionally you have a weekend that, without planning or big spending, turns out to be a gem. Sometimes it doesn't involve hallucinogens, either.

I had lunch with my buddy Tim on Friday. During the conversation we began talking about the Lake of the Ozarks, which is a resort/vacation lake in Central Missouri. It's a great place... both Tim and I lived and worked there in the late 1980's/early 90's.

We decided we needed to pack a cooler and bags and get there. It's about 2.5 hours from St. Louis so by 9 pm we were checked into the a swank hotel and eating a steak. Later we closed a couple of bars, and by 2 am I had removed my liver, wringed it out and replaced it. I pretty much crashed.

Thanks to the sonofabitch who kept slamming the door in the next room, we got up at 7-ish and grabbed breakfast, then filled the cooler and headed out on Tim's brother's boat, a sweet 32 foot Sea Ray. It was fairly quiet on the water since it's the off season, (see pic of view over the bow) so it was an easy ride around the main part of the lake. We hit party cove, which was only moderately full compared to normal. We took a swim and I had approximately one shitload of gin & tonics (I wasn't driving the boat) then we headed back to shore to figure out what was for dinner. I ended up having surf & turf at a place called Horny Toad's, then watching a jazz band in the hotel bar until about 1 in the morning.

Major highlights of the weekend:

- Denny's waitress with hair on fire. (not really, but liquor made it appear that way)
- Near constant references to beastiality with sheep.
- A dialogue about what will happen when Bagnell dam breaks. (and I'm fairly certain it will)
- The 60 year old woman at Party Cove who insisting on showing us her "rock-in-a-sock" breasts.
- Ensuing conversation/debate about which of us would do her first if we were 20 years older.
- Fist fight with locals about who has more back hair.
- Settling the argument by having a group "back shave."
- Paying 65 dollars for a goddamn steak and lobster because I failed to ask (and the waiter failed to say) what the "market price" was for today.
- Using that excuse to activate the "low tip" rule.
- Setting a new record for ounces of Tanqueray consumed in a 48 hour period.
- Setting a new record for number of Advil consumed in a 48 hour period.

Ah, it's those "by surprise" weekends that make it all worth while. I am already planning the next trip.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Dave's Friday Foto

I took this in my living room on a really cold night a while back. I post it as I leave town for the weekend, with hope everyone survives Rita.

Dave's Wheel of News, Friday Edition

Is there NOTHING but bad news out there? Wow. Let's get started.


''Our worst fears came true. The levee will breach if we keep on the path we are on right now, which will fill the area that was flooded earlier,'' Barry Guidry with the Georgia National Guard."

Here we go again in New Orleans. Rita is apparently causing re-flooding, with 2 feet of water in some neighborhoods that had been pumped dry. Most of the flooding is caused by the topping of a repaired levee by Rita's water and winds.

These people can't get a break. I can't imagine how they were considering letting people back into the city. They will need to completely rebuild that levee system before they repopulate, in my opinion. Clearly they cut corners and wasted money the first time. Government inaction.

Hurricanes kill!


A bus fire makes a bad situation worse.

"A bus carrying elderly Hurricane Rita evacuees from the Houston area burst into flames outside Dallas before dawn Friday, killing at least 24 people trapped inside, officials said."

What do you want to bet that someone sparked up a smoke in that closed bus with oxygen tanks everywhere? I guarantee that's what happened.

Nicotine kills!


A boxer dies of his injuries.

"There'll be a lot of people who'll take pokes at boxing for this. We can be better for protecting our athletes. But this was not a situation where anyone failed Leavander Johnson," said DiBella, who knew Johnson for more than 10 years. "It was just God's will..."

What? You think God intended dude to climb into a ring with another man and pummel each other with blows to the brain until mortally injured... for money? You're a stupid sonofabitch.

Boxing kills!


Finally some good news - and thank God!

"A cosmetics company that yesterday said it was considering dropping Kate Moss from its advertising campaigns, announced today that it welcomed her apology for 'letting people down' after she had been pictured allegedly snorting cocaine."

I was really concerned about Kate Moss losing her endorsement deal. Now I can stop holding my breath, it looks like she'll get another chance.

Kate Moss kills!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Disagreeable terms

People have landed on my blog today via Google search words:

Black bi-sexual women big butts

free direct chat with a bangladeshi girl feeling lonesome

I run a clean blog here, we'll have none of THAT. Hear?

But, just for fun, pictures of those things.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Celebrity isn't what it used to be.

Today's most famous stars are relatively unknown to most people. Who will be our next Elvis, Marilyn Monroe - or even Rolling Stones? Nelly won't cut it, and I'm pretty sure Avril Lavigne and Kate Moss will be forgotten, oh... by the time I finish writing this.

Gone are a generation's news icons, Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw. Is Brian Jennings a suitable replacement? Yeah, kind of like replacing coffee with Sanka.

Jay Leno couldn't be a mole on Johnny Carson's ass... and who will ever replace Letterman? Jimmy Kimmel?

Sinatra. Wayne. Nicholson. These stars have no equals. Oh I like Nicholas Cage, Reese Witherspoon and Mel Gibson, they're some of my favs. They're just not Humphrey Bogart or Bea Arthur. (screw you)

Most new movies I never see... there are too many being released. And soon the actors will be replaced with graphic representations of actors. Even the days of the stuntman are gone, most stunts are simply computer generated.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that with blogs, webcasts and such we're all getting our shot at stardom. With iPods, 200 TV channels, streaming audio/video and more, entertainment is easy to find and tends to be really diverse. At the end of the day, it's probably a good thing.

But the nostalgic side of me is sad. The age of the true celebrity is gone.


I was completely beguiled* by the coverage of the JetBlue emergency landing at LAX this evening. They flew around for 3 hours burning off fuel (I actually calculated how much that cost in my head, 'bout 75 grand) so they could land without the fear of a major explosion.

The pilot should be commended, he handled it perfectly. MSNBC and FOX coverage were absolutely fantastic. Being Mr. Softy, I had a lump when the plane rolled to a stop on that runway.

*I pride myself in occasional use of anomalous words. That one I'm not proud of... but I WAS pretty beguiled, so screw you.

Dear Public School:

As a parent, I just wanted to thank you for doing your part in helping America claim the title of WORLD'S FATTEST NATION.

It's no easy feat, so we should be proud of our status. Eliminating the requirement of physical education classes was brilliant! Who needs physical activity in today's world? We're preparing our children for jobs that are mostly sedentary in nature, why waste time with PE? Let's get those guts and butts growing early!

And the school lunch program is a glowing example of your contribution to our world-wide distinction! Pizza, french fries, soda, snack pies, ice cream... such careful choosing of comestibles will ENSURE we retain our proud status. Bigger is better, that's what I say.

And when those inerudite, short-sighted parents complain to you periodically about the cafeteria fare, your answer is utterly ingenious... especially the part about teaching children good nourishment by giving them an opportunity to make choices on their own, even if they're the wrong choices. FANTASTIC!

With that basic concept in mind, I would encourage you to rethink your entire curriculum. Design every class around giving them both right AND wrong answers, and let THEM decide which is correct. After all, school is not an institution of LEARNING, it's an institution of GUESSING. Before long, we'll not only hold the title of fattest nation on earth, we'll also be the LEAST-EDUCATED.

Bravo! I am excited about the prospect... and hope you stay on course. CARRY ON, public schools... and remember our motto - NO CHILD LEFT (with a small) BEHIND!


Some days I just don't have time to write something new. Since I have a lot of new people stopping by who haven't read my old stuff, I am admitting up front that this is an archived thing I wrote last winter. I'm a busy, busy man. (read: lazy) I realize teachers have nothing to do with cafeteria operation, so if you're a teacher, don't be offended. You are some of my favorite people.

Monday, September 19, 2005

An evening at Dave's house

As I am watching the Giants/Saints game, I caught myself welling up. A Reebok commercial came on featuring Giants players introducing themselves. Thing is, they were all wearing Saints jerseys. At the end, Eli Manning is wearing a shirt that says "Be a Saint." It's a great commercial.

Reebok is donating 100 percent of the profits of Saints memorabilia sales to the Katrina relief fund.

See, that is the kind of shit that makes a guy cry.


My fortune cookie tonight: "You have the ability to analyze and solve any problem."

Well duh, Confucius.

I love Chinese food, but these fortunes are bogus. Look, when I open that cookie I want insight into the future. I expect to know which stocks to purchase, which route to drive to work, or whether or not I will EVER have sex again.

Instead, I get shit I already know.

I know you're wondering... I had the shrimp lo mein.


A conversation in my living room just now:

Kramer & Regis

Regis - "Jesus, Kramer, when will you learn that Dad doesn't feed us human food. Idiot."

Kramer - "Screw you, you arrogant prick. I'm waiting for droppings. Mind your own Sheltie-assed business."

Regis - "I get to go outside anytime I want." (licks himself)

Dave - "Boys, come on. What do you think you are, females?"

Kramer - "Well, neither of us have balls."

Regis - "I have figurative balls, I'm a canis lupus familiaris."

Kramer - "Those fancy words mean nothing when you're afraid of a little thunder. I fear nothing." (licks himself)

Regis - "If felines are so brave, then why do humans refer to fearful people as fraidy-cats and pus..."

Dave - (interrupting) "That's enough guys." (licks himself)

Thunder rolls outside, Regis runs to the basement. Curtain falls.


Now singing at halftime of the Saints/Giants game: Three Doors Down. Wow, dude cannot sing.


Isn't it ironic that those who refuse to believe scientific evidence that burning fossil fuels causes global warming are some of the most staunch believers in God and afterlife?


That's all I got.


Aimless anecdotes of an exhausted man

Sunday nights are good for little more than reflecting on the weekend, and laundry. There are no guarantees either will be interesting.

A white dimpled ball pummeled my self esteem into a trembling pool of goo Friday night, and taking into account it's considerable mass, that's a difficult task. I had agreed to participate in a golf tournament on Saturday, but after a revealing, mentally crippling trip to the driving range Friday night I promptly cancelled my participation, retired to a dark living room and found a corner in which to sob and rock.

Saturday morning I slept until around 10, then spent a big part of the day walking the mall searching for a gift for myself, an as yet unidentified personal reward which was intended to artificially boost my amour propre.* After failing to find a gift sufficiently big enough to accomplish such a leviathan task, I took an hour to stop at an auction, a charity event for the Make A Wish Foundation. There, I took a hearty ribbing from my would-be golf team, who were also present. It seems Dr. Mike, who had accompanied me to the driving range, had narrated the story of my embarrassing performance. That prompted me to privately and bitterly wish for his untimely demise.

My haughty nemesis, the god-forsaken game of golf, had completely stolen the joy from my weekend. I spent the evening with my daughter, had a steak and beer and watched Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on DVD. Having not read the book, she found the movie quite uninteresting.

Sunday I awoke fairly early and went out of town for a birthday party, driving a total of 200 miles and burning $350 in gas. Afterward, I returned home and finished writing an ad that will appear in next Sunday's paper touting the quality of the set of golf clubs I am selling.


Why do we continue to allow restaurants to use the word "homemade" to describe their food? It's NOT homemade, now is it?

Besides, if I wanted homemade or homestyle, I would stay the hell home. Give me restaurant-style food, "just like your fry-cook brother used to make."

*amour propre = self love, in case you're not Chinese. ;-)

Friday, September 16, 2005

I have never, ever...

...walked away from a driving range or golf course and said, "damn, I think I'm getting the hang of this game."

Ah, but some day, golf... some day you WILL be my bitch.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Caption Contest

Quick diversion for you. Best one wins.

Dave's Wheel of News, Thursday Edition

Because... two, three or four blades just aren't enough...

Like Madonna's bra in the 80's, this is a huge waste of metal. I tried the Quattro razor with four blades, and lost more skin than a jogger in sandpaper-lined underwear. With this new five bladed razor, you'll have a hairless face by virtue of the fact that hair doesn't grow through scabs.


This is HUGE news!

It's a BOY!!!

Thank goodness it's a boy, the world doesn't need another Britney. Come to think of it, we really don't need another Kevin Federline.

Come to think of it, I don't give a shit.



More debate about "Under God," and the California courts decide it's unconstitutional.

U.S. District Judge Lawrence Karlton said the pledge's reference to one nation "under God'' violates students' constitutional right to be "free from a coercive requirement to affirm God.''

Come on. This is a ritualistic group of words. If a student is forced to say the words, I have a problem. As long as it remains elective, who really cares?

The words "under God" are intentionally vague and applicable to whatever belief system to which you might subscribe. Since most have some religious belief, it works within a majority system. If you have no belief system, you are allowed to simply not say the words "under God" if you wish.

You can't capriciously eliminate things just because one or a few are offended. Majority still rules, last time I checked.


Delta, Northwest file bankruptcy.

"Both carriers will continue flying in reorganization and plan no immediate changes to their schedules, cities served, fares or frequent-flier plans. But their operations will shrink."

Do me a favor, congress. No more bailouts. In this free enterprise system, it's insanely unfair to allow a business to operate in a manner which the market won't bear.

If these guys are smart, they will take the opportunity to scale back to a level that helps them compete financially. "Bigger is better" is no longer the operational paradigm in the airline industry.


Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Rulin' the School

What has happened to kids in the U.S.? Now there are fights between N. O. students and their Houston host students.

"The confrontation about respect and which group of students controlled the school had been brewing since late last week, according to students and parents."

Note to students: TEACHERS AND ADULTS "control the school," dumbasses.

Why do gangs, violence and blood play such a big part at schools today? I still believe a major part of it can be attributed to MTV, gangsta rap and hip-hop glorifying the lifestyle. It's somehow cool to speak in ebonics, "buss a cap," call women bitches... frankly I'm sick of it. My own daughter is influenced by it, and when I see that influence surface in her speech and attitude, it makes me want to puke.

I'm a pretty open, progressive guy, but I'm disgusted with some of the things society embraces. It's frightening and sickening.

Thanks to Chris Cope for pointing out the story.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

B-B-B-But... it's a SATURN

I'm trying to be open minded about Saturns. I just saw a commercial for this new SKY:

I will need to test drive one of those. I want a convertible to drive as a weekend fun car, and was previously thinking I'd get another BMW. (the Z4 below)

They look fairly similar, but I'm sure the SKY won't cost as much as the BMW. I'll have to drive both to decide. But KUDOS to Saturn for entering the world of sports cars. Now if we can just forget it's a Saturn. (I'm a car snob and I hate myself for it, but I can't help it so shut up)

I'm getting car fever again. Dammit, somebody stop me.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Dave's Wheel of News

This is where I cite numerous news stories, give you my opinion, then you click the "next blog" button out of sheer boredom. It's what I do when my creativity is not having a heavy flow day.

Katrina Aid From Cuba? Bush Says No Thanks

We're refusing aid from Cuba for the Katrina crisis. My question is, why the @#%& is that?

Closed circuit message to President Bush, former Clinton and Bush One... the cold war is over. The missile crisis was... what almost a half century ago? Let it go. I am sick of having to hide my cubans in secret luggage compartments when returning to the states.

Don't accept from China what you refuse to accept from Cuba. It just doesn't make good sense.


FEMA Dumb-Ass Quits, New Director Chosen

Mike Brown made the first smart decision of his tenure as director and resigned. The new guy is a former firefighter, has hurricane relief experience and was the head of the Dade County Florida emergency management office.

This is great news. Now, FEMA needs to come out from under the umbrella of homeland security and return as a cabinet position.

I also think I should be on the cabinet. I'd call out the other cabinet members everytime I sensed bullshit. I'd be a busy, busy man.


Not a news story, but that guy on the Subway commercial who sees a shooting star and wishes his hot girlfriend was a freakin' sandwich... is gay.


California Screamin'

A blackout today affecting more than 2 million people in California was caused by one person overloading one power line.

It's good that the entire power grid of one of the most densely populated areas in the world can be brought down by some jagoff who tried to use a toaster while the microwave was on.

Can we start using some of the goddamn 45 percent of my money that Uncle Sam takes on infrastructure? Please?


I grow weary from the sermonizing.


This post has nothing to do with me, I am far too young to worry about it... but it's an idea for Old Horsetail Snake, and it came via my email box this week:


About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."

She replied, "Yes,that's true. It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, etc? Princess will have a ship ready to go.

So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P. S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge!

Saturday, September 10, 2005


I've seen the devil, and his name is Dr. Paul De Sousa.

In a nutshell, a human embryo has been created without sperm.

I'll let that sink in a little.

(whistle, whistle, [kicks the dirt] hum dee dum, whistle)

Men, are we screwed or what? Totally, and never again, screwed.

Considering our tendencies toward body odor, televised football and underwear skid marks, there is a good chance that THIS is a breaking point. A moment in time when we reach an epiphany... an understanding that, as a species, we're done.

Why would women even need us? We have body hair, some have been power-mad egocentrists... and we can't do laundry, we just can't. There are very few reasons for our beautiful, smart and clean smelling counterparts to even glance our way.

So what do we do? I suggest we all take a lesson in humility and start smiling at The Women more. Much like a child who has done something wrong, let's dust the living room, pick up dishes and clean our bedrooms... and when they ask why, we'll just smile and say "because I love you, that's all."

And I imagine that those of us who are still, already, or again, single... are the most completely screwed among us.

Don't get me wrong, there will be a few solid reasons to keep us around. Organizing the garage. Mowing the lawn. Cooking with a grill. Changing oil. It will also be incumbent upon us to teach The Offspring how to play catch.

As for our status in society, we'll be less meaningful than a castradi in a strip joint. Not to mention there will BE no more strip joints.

And to think the person who made this happen was a man. Traitorous bastard. He probably wears panties.

The winds of change are blowing, boys. Gusting even.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Dirty Martini Haze

Occasionally I will list some of the search terms which land people on my site. A few of them I've recorded in the past include:

Anna Kournikova
Bikini airplane
Douchebag synonyms
Dirty dave videos
Sucking tits pics

But tonight I received a visitor via a Google search for the term:

masturbate harley ford

I just gotta know... what makes you guys tick, fer chrissake?

Speaking of masturbating, can you guess which arm I use?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

hahahhahaa... SWIPE OUT!

These two-thousand dollar debit cards being handed out to evacuees of Katrina sound like a questionable idea to me.

Who gets them? What can you buy with them? Who is paying? Do people who complied with the original evacuation order get one? The answers aren't completely clear, except to say that not everyone qualifies. Who is taking time to check qualifications?

This will turn out to be a huge mess for many reasons, just wait. Another bad idea among many regarding the handling of this catastrophe. FEMA head Michael Brown is unqualified for the position he holds. It goes to show you, it truly is "who you know."

And "Brownie" is the guy that President Bush complimented during a briefing recently. Closed circuit message to W: sometimes it's best to just say nothing, huh?

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Bezbohl and Red Eye

As I watch the Cardinals play the Cubs, it occurs to me that major league baseball players are extreme sufferers of OCD. Nomar Garciapara is a great example. He can take a pitch without swinging, yet still resecure his batting gloves twice each, pat his elbows, straighten his hat and take exactly the same number of practice swings before being "ready." Baseball is full of players with odd idiosyncrasies.

Might I suggest cognitive behavioral therapy?


On to the movie "Red Eye." You should know that my "reviews" are not in depth, detailed or well worded. If this is what you're looking for, Gene Siskel is your man. Or RCS.

Rachel McAdams is simply the hottest thing on film.

In this movie, she plays a hotel reservations clerk who is being blackmailed into helping an unidentified group kill a US government official. I won't go into details, I could easily spoil it for you.

The movie starts a little slow, but it doesn't take long to pick up and pull you in. The plot was decent, there were no surprises and it was relatively predictable. I came away from the movie feeling it was worth the money... and full of Raisinettes.

Three out of five stars.

Rattle rattle thunder clatter boom boom boom

Don't worry, call the Car-X man.

That's all I have for you today... advice about automobile service. Helpful chap, I am.

I had an especially busy day, what with all the demands on a guy of my caliber. Yes, that's right. Demands.

I read script after script after SCRIPT, then read some more script. Then I took a break, had some lunch and then... read more script.

I received a phone call from a friend who suggested we go see "Red Eye." So we'll go, sit with an empty seat between us like two ordinary heterosexual men, then I'll let you know how it was. Meet me here later for a review. 'Kay?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

"Little Buddy" is gone

It's hard to believe the stars of my favorite childhood shows are dying. Bob Denver was 70.

I imagine he's now sleeping in the bottom hammock again, and occasionally being beaten with a hat by Alan Hale, Jr.

Or more likely, smoking a fat one with Jim Backus. Denver loved the reefer.

Even as a kid, I wondered how they could build all these contraptions but not patch the hole in the boat. Throughout my life, that pragmatic disposition has robbed me of SO much fun!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Seven Things I...

I was tagged by Musie to complete this questionairre. I don't have a problem doing these, I realize there is huge demand for information on what makes me tick. I'm just here to help.

Seven things I..

Plan to do before I die:

1. Go to Australia on vacation, drink Fosters, Australian for beer.
2. Live 2 years in Manhattan, dine daily at a different restaurant, see all shows/plays.
3. Live on a beach for a while. Daily margarita, jog with dog, do my best to “keep sand out of it.”
4. Have the guts to try a double black diamond at Beaver Creek. Sit in hot tub afterward with impressed slope bunnies.
5. Make love to Halle Berry again.
6. Attend NYE at Times Square.
7. Be 100 percent certain that Coke really is The Real Thing.

Can do:

1. Completely kick Dr. Mike’s ass at poker.
2. Hit a golf ball completely around the globe.
3. Make a KILLER stir fry.
4. Skydive.
5. Play the saxophone.
6. Drive a boat fairly well, although it’s been a while.
7. Snow ski.

Can't do:

1. Prove I’ve ever made love to Halle Berry, you’ll just have to believe me.
2. Be a beacon if my light don’t shine.
3. Stay below the speed limit.
4. Perform mechanic work on a car.
5. Water ski.
6. Pass up a chance to enjoy raw oysters and champagne.
7. Risk the embarrassment of shitting my pants by skydiving again.

Find attractive:

1. Intelligence.
2. Self confidence.
3. Sense of humor.
4. The female tummy.
5. Professional drive, but good balance.
6. Anyone who finds me attractive.
7. Logic and sensibility, but good playful balance.

Say the most:

1. “Another L-O-N-G set of Great Oldies!”
2. “Halle, could you pass me another oyster?”
3. “Outside, Regis?” (my dog)
4. “A beer sounds really good right now.”
5. “F*ck me running.” (I don’t know what it means, it’s just something I’ve said for a long time)
6. “Another L-O-N-G set of continuous country music!”
7. “One more beer sounds really good right now.”

My celebrity crushes:

1. Halle Berry
2. Helen Hunt
3. Scarlet Johannson
4. Kate Hudson
5. Rebecca Romijn
6. Catherine Zeta-Jones
7. Shania Twain
8. (bonus) Ernest Borgnine

Disclaimer: All this shit is true. All of it. Except a couple of things. Otherwise, all of it.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

He he he he!

This is pretty funny, it's my old publicity photo from a couple of years ago when I was in radio. I have NO idea why I ever approved it's usage.

I'm pretty much taking myself seriously in this photo. I think the photographer was trying to make me a "star." Ew.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Public Atonement

During my life, I've had to apologize for my share of gaps in good judgement... but I've never done so publicly. I figure it will be therapeutic.

1 - I'm sorry for calling my friend Joe Johnson "Blow Commodeson" in high school. A "john" and a "commode" are different things, ask any hooker.

2 - I'm sorry that, in a recent blog entry, I referred negatively to the lack of authenticity of some bloggers. In so doing, I inadvertently insulted my friend Dr. Mike.

3 - I'm sorry that, in gym class, we depants Wally Schneider almost daily... and especially during co-ed volleyball. In hindsight, it probably got him dates, he appeared to be fairly well hung. Not that any of us looked, oh no.

4 - I'm sorry I put itching powder in Kristy Tinsley's prosthetic leg socket while she was swimming. I realize now how much those legs can hurt when they make contact in a violent nature with unguarded testicles.

5 - I'm sorry for grabbing both sides of Eva Shepard's split ends in journalism class and turning them into two distinct, separate hairs. I know now that even a real leg can hurt when making contact in a violent nature with unguarded testicles.

6 - I'm sorry for blaming the especially ripe farts on Rena Winner during sales meetings. Afterward, people suspected she had a digestive tract condition.

7 - I'm sorry I slammed the glass studio door on my friend Ken's hand during a broadcast years ago, causing him to get emergency stitches on two fingers and up one arm. Oh wait, he did that to ME. Never mind. (and screw you Ken, I still haven't forgotten)

8 - I'm sorry for inventing stuffed animals that are dressed up as OTHER stuffed animals.

9 - I'm sorry for taking Tony Dickerson's girlfriend to senior prom even though she was clearly dating Tony at the time, just because I had invited her prior to them starting to date. Oh wait, he did that to ME. Never mind. (and screw you Tony, I still haven't forgotten) (and screw you too, Pam)

10 - I apologize for having deceptive, fallacious phone sex with Billy Greenwood's girlfriend one time because she could never tell our voices apart. After being caught, I discovered how much those ElectroVoice RE-20 microphones can hurt when they make contact in a violent nature with unguarded testicles.