Sunday, January 05, 2014

Anatomy of a St. Louis snowstorm

A blow-by-blow account, as the snow piles up.

1 inch - TV stations broadcasting at 50 locations. File video of tires spinning. Reporters sporting Alaska-style parkas. Morris opens a bottle of scotch, while his neighbor considers putting a shirt on.

2 inches – Ada posts picture of stocked beer fridge, opens bottle of Drambuie, wishing he was a real scotch drinker.

3 inches – Morris opens second bottle of scotch. Dr. Mike considers calling Smuda to shovel his driveway.

4 inches – Fox 2's Dave Murray has mini stroke, slurs words like ‘apocalyptic’ and ‘polar vortex’.

5 inches – Morris wishes he had the hot tub heater fixed. Wishes he was a real Drambuie drinker.

6 inches – STL’s Channel 4 reports “KMOV has learned that ice chemicals are only effective above a certain temperature.” (Yes, they actually said that. Duh?) Channel 5 news director pissed that they got scooped again.

7 inches – Morris considers leaving couch to watch Emily shovel the driveway. Opens third bottle of scotch instead.

8 inches – Morris neighbor actually puts his shirt on, continues mowing grass. TV stations’ snow bunnies are now out in full force in tight ski suits, recommending military rations.

9 inches – White guys snicker and do that cocky sniff. Radio stations finally reporting snow is in the forecast. Dave Murray requires defibrillator but continues broadcasting.

10 inches – Is it time to buy another Hummer? Yes.

11 inches – Ada realizes his hot tub is also out of commission, does closest thing, farting in lukewarm bubble bath.

12 inches – Black guys snicker and do that cocky sniff. TV stations start fading. Is it snow on the satellite dish, or is Morris passing out?

13 inches – Dave Murray dies, is reanimated via a weird stew of stem cells and Irish cream, continues reporting that O’Fallon MO has 14 inches. Morris snickers and does that cocky sniff.

 14+ - Emily and Mike make snow angels in swimwear. Now a frozen ball, Earth slips out of orbit and begins drifting aimlessly through the cosmos. Dave Murray still doesn’t know how much snow we’ll get Wednesday night.