Dear public school:

As a parent, I just wanted to thank you for doing your part in helping America claim the title of WORLD'S FATTEST NATION.

It's no easy feat, so we should be proud of our status. Eliminating the requirement of physical education classes was brilliant! Who needs physical activity in today's world? We're preparing our children for jobs that are mostly sedintary in nature, why waste time with PE? Let's get those guts and butts growing early!

And the school lunch program is a glowing example of your contribution to our world-wide distinction! Pizza, french fries, soda, snack pies, ice cream... such careful choosing of comestibles will ENSURE we retain our proud status. Bigger is better, that's what I say.

And when those inerudite, short-sighted parents complain to you periodically about the cafeteria fare, your answer is utterly ingenious... especially the part about teaching children good nourishment by giving them an opportunity to make choices on their own, even if they're the wrong choices. FANTASTIC!

With that basic concept in mind, I would encourage you to rethink your entire curriculum. Design every class around giving them both right AND wrong answers, and let THEM decide which is correct. After all, school is not an institution of LEARNING, it's an institution of GUESSING. Before long, we'll not only hold the title of fattest nation on earth, we'll also be the LEAST-EDUCATED.

Bravo! I am excited about the prospect... and hope you stay on course. CARRY ON, public schools... and remember our motto - NO CHILD LEFT (with a small) BEHIND!