His gums hurt, his butt hurts, his rump hurts.
What a huge incision, considering the growth was the size of a dime. Something isn't right about that.
He has to wear the bell collar for TWO weeks. Won't that suck? The f
1 - Got a haircut by a hypochondriac stylist who is having her tonsils out soon and chose to gross the f*ck right out of me by telling me stories of pus and swelling.Have a great weekend, wherever you are. Delurk for a change and tell me what's up. By tomorrow, I will be read enough to (burp!!!) sober it. (shits pants)
2 - Changed the oil in my Hummer... which involved answering a litany of questions from the Jiffy Lube man about mileage, how it rides, its bad-weather maneuverability, do you get lots of offers of oral sex, etc. In return, I asked him about the viscosity and thermal breakdown characteristics of each of his products, in order to demonstrate what a pain in the ass the questioning had become. My next step would have been to make his head bleed.
3 - Tried to convince same oil guy that the concept behind requesting synthetic oil was less-frequent changes. "I CAN drive 6,000 miles on the synthetic stuff," I said. He told me he preferred I wouldn't... and began explaining why. I blacked out and "lost time," during which I may or may not have made his head bleed.
4 - Went to the car wash. So did everyone else within 40 statute miles. I began to understand how today was one of those "test" days. You know, the kind where you find out if you're a likely candidate to come unglued and start shooting the place up.
5 - Found out I am a candidate, just a very patient one. There is a time and place for everything...
6 - Went to both the Cingular and Sprint stores to compare bandwidth of their "high speed" PC cards. Found neither to be fast enough to buy one. Felt like a total loser/asshole/geek afterward. Attempted to drink away my feelings of insufficiency at a bar called O'Charley's.
7 - Got hit on by a woman who can't recognize signs of disinterest, apathy or revulsion. Her opening line was "are you a mortgage guy?" Yeah, um... thanks. "Are you a librarian?"
8 - Went home and threw some boneless beef backribs and asparagus on the grill. Drank copious amounts of scotch. Mixed Violet what I call a "Bladder Infection." (cranberry/ vodka)
9 - Wrote this blog entry with half a buzz. I am now going to attempt to half the other find. Er, find the other half. Whatever.
1 - Buying the home on each side of someone who screwed you over. Allow trashy people to live there free, complete with a 1975 Camaro on blocks, non-mowed yard and loud, loud music.Did you notice that much of the ideas expressed among our friends involves revenge-like activity? I realize it's a waste of time and resources, but c'mon... don't you have at least one person you'd screw with a little?
2 - Hire an attorney to make someone miserable. An ex-spouse, for instance. A real Jekyl/Hyde person who had (hypothetically, of course) taken advantage of your generosity early in the relationship by letting you pay off all her debts from HER PREVIOUS MARRIAGE, her attorneys fees and mechanical bills, then screwed someone else while you were married, left you with all the debt and sued you for divorce, lied like a RUG in court about her income, your marriage and your pets, gotten the judge to believe her bullshit, and secured a judgment which would practically buy her a house that she didn't earn and furniture she didn't have to buy. (again, of course all hypothetical)
3 - Pay off mortgages of family and close friends. But don't just give them cash.
4 - Pay off all personal debt and invest every dime of the rest in a moderately aggressive fashion, and try to live off the interest earnings... which would be probably 5 to 10 million a year.
5 - Buy a property on the beach in Mexico, a property in the mountains and a place in between.
6 - Start a hobby business that will pay for itself and be personally fulfilling.
I will refrain from naming names, but it's Violet. She's going to blog about how many mustards we have.
Sorry, I forgot to say "spoiler alert!"
Anyway, I thought you should know what I'm dealing with... a certified blog addict. Stop her before she takes the camera in the bathroom to document her corn-count or something.
Violet - "Look at all the religious bumper stickers in the parking lot."
Dave - "I wonder if it's church meeting night at Bristol's."
Violet - "You know what would be fun? If we go in and excitedly talk about how 60 percent of the world's population just mysteriously disappeared."
Dave - "So they would all think they didn't make the cut for the rapture. Funny shit."
Violet - "Yeah."
There is no pet toy quite like a laser pointer pen. It's especially funny to make the pet believe it has gone insane by causing the dot to appear erratically here and there. The animal runs to it, then it disappears. The animal then begins patrolling the entire house looking for the elusive red dot.
Insane pets are the greatest kind.
It has just begun snowing, and Em/Vi is decorating a cake for her mother's birthday dinner tomorrow night. I am busy preparing our dinner, which consists of bacon-wrapped scallops (on the grill, of course) topped with an interesting apricot/horseradish chutney I threw together. A side salad, glass of wine and the curtains open to the backyard so we can watch the white stuff pile up.
*What does it say about me that I am blogging about somebody else blogging? This is a REAL sign of armageddon.
Here's the same picture, only touched up to make me look older:
Do your own and post it. Or not. Whatever.
Scrubs took the form of a musical tonight. It was a good refresher on why I don't like musicals. Could it be that Scrubs "jumped the shark" tonight?
Speaking of television, American Idol began this week, and it never fails to disappoint me how disappointing it is, especially during tryouts. Every season the show attracts more and more attention-mongers who have no musical intentions.
Some contestants have no shame or pride. And that attracts VIEWERS with no shame or pride. Which brings us back to me. Oh well, it gets better when they get to Hollywood.
Me to Vi: "What do you want to have tonight?"
Back to me: "How about hot, steamy, raunchy............ chicken?"
Me to Vi: "Is that kosher?"
Back to me: "That's funny, I don't care who you are."
At the same time, there are positive traits I would hope to pass along:
1 - General skepticism.
2 - Making Barbie do dirty things.
3 - Fear of abandonment.
4 - Blaming others for gaseous emissions.
5 - Self doubt.
Most of all, I would hope to pass along that you will always get f*#ked in the drive-thru.
1 - Wariness of unbelievable things.
2 - Knowledge that everyone has selfish motives... everyone.
3 - Honesty.
4 - Barbie has bendable knees for a reason.
5 - Knowledge that voluntary ignorance is apalling and self-destructive.
A: Remember that sun burns?_____
B: Remember that alcohol causes vomiting?
C: Remember to flush the goddamn toilet in public restrooms?
D: Remember that our kids say what WE say?
E: Remember to add the softener?
A: Orange juice - 3.99 a gallon (for better nutrition)
B: Gas - 2.29 a gallon (to get to work)
C: KY Jelly - 166.08 a gallon (okay, bad example)
A: Bad meals_____
B: Ass chafing
C: Broken fingernails
D: Smaller-than-average breasts
E: Milk going bad before the expiration date
Thanks Grandpa K. I think you're "the cat's pajamas." I will always remember our chat.