Saturday, October 15, 2005

Continuing education

The St. Louis Cardinals are one of four teams involved in the league championship playoffs, and I’ve been lucky enough to get tickets to both home games so far.

Things I’ve learned in the past 3 days:

-A liver is just a liver. It’s not titanium.

-If you can, avoid peeing in a parking lot with the belief that nobody will take a picture of you “in progress” and publish it.

-Don’t expect people to have the same capacity for drinking as you. If you do, it’s likely you’ll spend at least some time cleaning up puke.

-When 60-thousand people are all trying to get to the same 8 block area at once, it’s likely you’ll need both of your middle fingers.

-At a ballpark, pouring a beer down the back of the annoying asshole sitting in front of you will cost you 9 dollars for the beer and 30 dollars for gauze and bandaids.

-You can spend 600 dollars over the course of two games and still feel like you got a good deal. Your ex-wife will just have to understand about the child support.

-I can still sleep 3 or 4 hours a night for two nights in a row and work both days with relatively little body revolt, unless you include the shakes. And blurry vision.

9 comments:

Weary Hag said...

Well Dave, because my 'boyz' decided not to actually EARN their mega-money again this year, I have been pretty much glued to the set when the Cardinals play. (we're a two-team household)
Ed gets homesick everytime they do well - and when they don't, he just gets a little quieter about it.

Your little lessons listed here are wonderful. You get 30 points for stamina on that last one.

Fun post!

Amandarama said...

I got the titanium upgrade for my liver. I highly recommend it.

Just Some Gal said...

Hahahahaha

You're a much more die-hard fan than I am. I didn't have the heart to fight the traffic downtown trying to make it to the Astro's game tonight.

I maaaay have to suck it up and buy a ticket if they make it to the series though.

The titanium upgrade is very attractive though!

Angie said...

I have to agree with the titanium upgrade. You should check into it.

phoenix said...

At least you are not in a town where the team broke a major nationwide record only to fail to make it through the first round of play offs. The Braves broke the record for all time wins into the play offs. 14 seasons in a row. No team in any sport has ever done it. Then they lose in the playoffs. Sigh.

The worst part? They have only made it to the World Series three times in those 14 seasons, and have won it once.

Spinning Girl said...

Fabulous!

You only live once.

Try to stay alive though, for that.

jthomasparuch said...

I envy your now-somewhat wasted liver. Imagine watching the game from your living room in Grand Cayman. That's where I am, and none of these local Caymanians could give a $hit about baseball.

I, too, got the TITANIUM upgrade. Twice as expensive down here, but well worth it considering the potency of the Caribbean alcohol.

JP
p.s. thanx for the heads up on the **anonymous poster** (aka Houston Astros fellow conspirator)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Does getting stoned take some of the gloss off your team's (dismal) performance? Maybe you didn't notice the scores.

jthomasparuch said...

oldhorsetailsnake, maybe YOU'RE the one who is stoned... Did YOU see the score last night? I bet your ears are **buzzing** from that! Who's riding the H-train now? Pujols' 500 foot monstrocity made Berkman's routine pop fly look like a joke... Maybe just a moral victory, but there's nothing better than silencing those ignorant Houston "fans" who boo for all the wrong reasons. **B** is for "Bye" Houston!