Friday, September 02, 2005

Public Atonement

During my life, I've had to apologize for my share of gaps in good judgement... but I've never done so publicly. I figure it will be therapeutic.

1 - I'm sorry for calling my friend Joe Johnson "Blow Commodeson" in high school. A "john" and a "commode" are different things, ask any hooker.

2 - I'm sorry that, in a recent blog entry, I referred negatively to the lack of authenticity of some bloggers. In so doing, I inadvertently insulted my friend Dr. Mike.

3 - I'm sorry that, in gym class, we depants Wally Schneider almost daily... and especially during co-ed volleyball. In hindsight, it probably got him dates, he appeared to be fairly well hung. Not that any of us looked, oh no.

4 - I'm sorry I put itching powder in Kristy Tinsley's prosthetic leg socket while she was swimming. I realize now how much those legs can hurt when they make contact in a violent nature with unguarded testicles.

5 - I'm sorry for grabbing both sides of Eva Shepard's split ends in journalism class and turning them into two distinct, separate hairs. I know now that even a real leg can hurt when making contact in a violent nature with unguarded testicles.

6 - I'm sorry for blaming the especially ripe farts on Rena Winner during sales meetings. Afterward, people suspected she had a digestive tract condition.

7 - I'm sorry I slammed the glass studio door on my friend Ken's hand during a broadcast years ago, causing him to get emergency stitches on two fingers and up one arm. Oh wait, he did that to ME. Never mind. (and screw you Ken, I still haven't forgotten)

8 - I'm sorry for inventing stuffed animals that are dressed up as OTHER stuffed animals.

9 - I'm sorry for taking Tony Dickerson's girlfriend to senior prom even though she was clearly dating Tony at the time, just because I had invited her prior to them starting to date. Oh wait, he did that to ME. Never mind. (and screw you Tony, I still haven't forgotten) (and screw you too, Pam)

10 - I apologize for having deceptive, fallacious phone sex with Billy Greenwood's girlfriend one time because she could never tell our voices apart. After being caught, I discovered how much those ElectroVoice RE-20 microphones can hurt when they make contact in a violent nature with unguarded testicles.


Kerouaced said...

Ooh, stolen prom date. That sucks. It's good to see you've gotten over it...:)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is fun, Dave. And it reminded me that "our gang" used to "pants" Jerry Rippee almost daily. He figured it was the price he had to pay to hang with us. He turned out to be a good kid, so we quit.

Spinning Girl said...

Ha! A wonderful read for my midmorning coffee break. You are a very naughty boy .

Weary Hag said...

This was great fun Dave! I know it wasn't intended to get a laugh at all - nay - it was simply cathartic, right?
I know men aren't crazy about this term of endearment, but I have to say, sometimes, you're just so damned cute.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Gee, Dave, I'd venture that you're going to hell. But all the great bloggers are.

Lee Ann said...

Dave ~ looks like you have completed that step. Which step was that? Good job. Have a great Labor day!

Spinning Girl said...

Heyyyy...are you quoting ME back to me? Well, cut that out! :)

Rob Seifert said...

Any good squirell can tell you, gaurd your nuts Dave. Ah ammends, yah gotta love them!