Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Dear Public School:

As a parent, I just wanted to thank you for doing your part in helping America claim the title of WORLD'S FATTEST NATION.

It's no easy feat, so we should be proud of our status. Eliminating the requirement of physical education classes was brilliant! Who needs physical activity in today's world? We're preparing our children for jobs that are mostly sedentary in nature, why waste time with PE? Let's get those guts and butts growing early!

And the school lunch program is a glowing example of your contribution to our world-wide distinction! Pizza, french fries, soda, snack pies, ice cream... such careful choosing of comestibles will ENSURE we retain our proud status. Bigger is better, that's what I say.

And when those inerudite, short-sighted parents complain to you periodically about the cafeteria fare, your answer is utterly ingenious... especially the part about teaching children good nourishment by giving them an opportunity to make choices on their own, even if they're the wrong choices. FANTASTIC!

With that basic concept in mind, I would encourage you to rethink your entire curriculum. Design every class around giving them both right AND wrong answers, and let THEM decide which is correct. After all, school is not an institution of LEARNING, it's an institution of GUESSING. Before long, we'll not only hold the title of fattest nation on earth, we'll also be the LEAST-EDUCATED.

Bravo! I am excited about the prospect... and hope you stay on course. CARRY ON, public schools... and remember our motto - NO CHILD LEFT (with a small) BEHIND!


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Some days I just don't have time to write something new. Since I have a lot of new people stopping by who haven't read my old stuff, I am admitting up front that this is an archived thing I wrote last winter. I'm a busy, busy man. (read: lazy) I realize teachers have nothing to do with cafeteria operation, so if you're a teacher, don't be offended. You are some of my favorite people.

14 comments:

Kerouaced said...

Ha ha, that was good. I read somewhere yesterday that said school caffeterias used the worst possible grade of meat available, which is scrap pieces mixed with soy protein. It is called prison grade because it is served to prisoners...

Wigwam Jones said...

I had PE class when I was in school, and I am still a big fat fattie. Six years in the Marines didn't seem to stop the advent of my giant gut, either. But on the bright side, when I was in school, they served us big florescent hunks of bright orange government cheese. That was special.

Oh, and maybe parents are responsible too? Like turning off the damned TV, tossing the kids out the door and ensuring they run around and scream like lunatics until bedtime (make sure they do that homework also) and making sure that they eat right - perhaps a packed lunch?

Just a few thoughts.

Dave Morris said...

Wiggy, I concur, I had gym class in school and am still not in the greatest shape, but it gave me some appreciation and knowledge of exercise.

Parents are the first line and most responsible for their kids dietary and exercise habits... I can't imagine why some allow their kids to sit in front of a playstation for hour after hour after hour... the idea of "outside" is a concept that is fading fast in some households. Too bad, man I had a blast riding my bike, playing in the creek and playing baseball.

But public schools have the responsibility to reinforce what good parents teach their kids... and to be a place to learn good dietary habits for those kids whose parents don't care.

Otherwise, we've lost a good opportunity, and allowed another "government program" to fall into irrelevance.

If we're going to provide food for kids in school, we may as well provide decent food. It takes very little effort to do it right.

Lee Ann said...

Yeah Dave, things are just not like they used to be. We did not have the choice of pizza and hamburgers in elementary school. You could get the "hot" meal, which was pretty balanced, meat, 2 vegetables, or you could get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I think it wasn't until high school where we got a "fast food" lunch or "hot meal" choice. I am surprised at what the schools feed these kids. I have heard in recent times, there are some schools that are trying to go more healthy ~ putting in salad bars, and taking sodas out, that kind of thing. There is still a long way to go with that.

Spinning Girl said...

Hearty agreement. Luckily, my school offers lots of choices, so teachers can get salads, good sandwiches, and the like. Every day I watch the kids stream by with plates full of fried items. Every day it's a different item; one day fries, then curley fries, then onion rings, wings, mozz sticks... They have nothing else on their plate. I don't have kids, but I often wonder just how much influence I would have when they're surrounded by that much yummy gerase. Kids who bring lunch buy stuff anyway. Kids without money have their friends buy it for them. It's scary!!! Luckily, bulimia is pretty widespread in my affluent, high-stress community, so most of the butts are thin. But really, most of the kids aren't fat, because they are active, but just what do their arteries look like?!?!?!?

Chris Cope said...

You know what would be fun? Instead of pulling something from your archives you should pull stuff from other people's archives. In a beautiful world, the person who originally wrote the post would come to your blog and disagree.

Weary Hag said...

I blame all my health problems today on those confounded sugar-cube vaccinations they used to hand out in our elementary school. And if you were really lucky, you got to line up in the same week to see the dental hygenist who would pop you a little red tablet which, once chewed for 5 seconds, would point out in screaming neon red just how many cavities you have (you want to talk about deflated self image... sheesh).
I wish I were kidding about these two practices. They made about as much sense as the "duck under your desk and hold your head" air-raid drills.

Justice said...

What happened to the day when schools cared about more than making sure the students pass the competency tests?

Hale McKay(Mike) said...

It seems to me that Fridays were the special lunch days when I went to school. That day you got hot dogs and hamburgers - a precursor to the modern day cookout and even then sometimes they were over-cooked. The only choices we had were to eat or NOT to eat the lunches.
... Good writing on a topic to which we can all relate. (Hoss sent me.)

The Cuke said...

no child left (with a small) behind.. ha. And on that note, that damn policy is such a crock...

Ari said...

I dunno what y'all are doing, but down here our kids have to do 45 minutes of PE instruction a day, by law. And the law's also been changed so that no candy or soda can be given as rewards, bought or sold during school hours.

So that's somethin' I guess.

Dave Morris said...

Yes, Ari... and all those changes took place because of this blog entry when it was initially published! Hadn't you put two 'n two together??

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great piece of satire there, Dave. I hadn't thought of it that way. We don't let kids choose what to LEARN (thank God). Why let them choose what to eat?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

And THIS: "NO CHILD LEFT (with a small) BEHIND!"

Classic.