Monday, September 19, 2005

An evening at Dave's house

As I am watching the Giants/Saints game, I caught myself welling up. A Reebok commercial came on featuring Giants players introducing themselves. Thing is, they were all wearing Saints jerseys. At the end, Eli Manning is wearing a shirt that says "Be a Saint." It's a great commercial.

Reebok is donating 100 percent of the profits of Saints memorabilia sales to the Katrina relief fund.

See, that is the kind of shit that makes a guy cry.

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My fortune cookie tonight: "You have the ability to analyze and solve any problem."

Well duh, Confucius.

I love Chinese food, but these fortunes are bogus. Look, when I open that cookie I want insight into the future. I expect to know which stocks to purchase, which route to drive to work, or whether or not I will EVER have sex again.

Instead, I get shit I already know.

I know you're wondering... I had the shrimp lo mein.

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A conversation in my living room just now:


Kramer & Regis

Regis - "Jesus, Kramer, when will you learn that Dad doesn't feed us human food. Idiot."

Kramer - "Screw you, you arrogant prick. I'm waiting for droppings. Mind your own Sheltie-assed business."

Regis - "I get to go outside anytime I want." (licks himself)

Dave - "Boys, come on. What do you think you are, females?"

Kramer - "Well, neither of us have balls."

Regis - "I have figurative balls, I'm a canis lupus familiaris."

Kramer - "Those fancy words mean nothing when you're afraid of a little thunder. I fear nothing." (licks himself)

Regis - "If felines are so brave, then why do humans refer to fearful people as fraidy-cats and pus..."

Dave - (interrupting) "That's enough guys." (licks himself)

Thunder rolls outside, Regis runs to the basement. Curtain falls.

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Now singing at halftime of the Saints/Giants game: Three Doors Down. Wow, dude cannot sing.


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Isn't it ironic that those who refuse to believe scientific evidence that burning fossil fuels causes global warming are some of the most staunch believers in God and afterlife?

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That's all I got.


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11 comments:

Spinning Girl said...

You are a genius. More thoughts later--I have to do my hair. (licks herself)

Weary Hag said...

You ARE the clever boy, aren't you? That cat/dog/Dave conversation was truly perfect. {can't lick self because two substantial protrusions in chest region prevent such an activity - dammitall}
Thanks Dave, my whole day is ruined.

Bobby said...

Regis and Kramer should make more appearances.

Does that make you Gelman?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

That all you got? That's plenty, old sod, and plenty funny, too. I loved your take on the fortune cookie ("stuff I already know").

And "Be a Saint." That is so obvious, and it never crossed my mind. Would not make it in the advertising world.

Rob Seifert said...

I bow to your manly emotion surrounding "The Saints." I am truly humbled. Hopefully the tenuous peace between Kramer and Regis will hold - assuming, of course, that Kramer doesn't get it into his head that dropping a few stink bombs in Regis's food dish is a good idea. Perish the thought!

Borrowing from George Carlin, as to the faith in a man in the sky who loves us but rains fire down upon us when he's angry - Denile is not just a river in Egypt my friend. I have a word to describe such nonsense: Insanity.

RCS

Chris Cope said...

I got teary-eyed at that and thought: "Man, I must be sleepy."
Then I thought: "Ugh. I'm going to have to buy a Saints jersey now..."

Kerouaced said...

I have a friend who denies there is such a thing as global warming but he believes there is a bigfoot and a Lochness monster. Enough said...

Mishka said...

At least your fortune cookies tell you what numbers to play in the lotto...

Lee Ann said...

I love the fact that you are sensitive to certain things! I wish you luck in your "future" endeavors. Your animals are adorable, they make good company don't they? Hey, I saw an 8 ball the other day. Remember those? Well I asked it a couple of questions regarding my future, and I got really positve answers. Hahaha, maybe you should try that instead of the fortune cookie!

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Last Friday my fortune cookie read "Your luck is about to change."

So if I was having good luck, now I'm fucked?

Ari said...

I liked the kitty/pup exchange lots. I have no idea why you haven't been linked yet, but I have remedied this. If you don't want your blog to be associated with ranting Texan tripe, let me know. ;)