Saturday, September 10, 2005

Gentlemen...

I've seen the devil, and his name is Dr. Paul De Sousa.



In a nutshell, a human embryo has been created without sperm.

I'll let that sink in a little.

(whistle, whistle, [kicks the dirt] hum dee dum, whistle)

Men, are we screwed or what? Totally, and never again, screwed.

Considering our tendencies toward body odor, televised football and underwear skid marks, there is a good chance that THIS is a breaking point. A moment in time when we reach an epiphany... an understanding that, as a species, we're done.

Why would women even need us? We have body hair, some have been power-mad egocentrists... and we can't do laundry, we just can't. There are very few reasons for our beautiful, smart and clean smelling counterparts to even glance our way.

So what do we do? I suggest we all take a lesson in humility and start smiling at The Women more. Much like a child who has done something wrong, let's dust the living room, pick up dishes and clean our bedrooms... and when they ask why, we'll just smile and say "because I love you, that's all."

And I imagine that those of us who are still, already, or again, single... are the most completely screwed among us.

Don't get me wrong, there will be a few solid reasons to keep us around. Organizing the garage. Mowing the lawn. Cooking with a grill. Changing oil. It will also be incumbent upon us to teach The Offspring how to play catch.

As for our status in society, we'll be less meaningful than a castradi in a strip joint. Not to mention there will BE no more strip joints.

And to think the person who made this happen was a man. Traitorous bastard. He probably wears panties.

The winds of change are blowing, boys. Gusting even.

16 comments:

Amandarama said...

I'll always have needs only a guy could fill. A world filled with only chicks would probably cause me to move to Antarctica. Or kill myself.

Spinning Girl said...

Human Male: I don't love you because you are a bag of sperm; I love you because you are brilliant, enigmatic, witty, strong, hilariously funny, tender, supportive, brawny, and you smell good. If I just loved your pserm, I'd stockpile a case of it in the pantry and help myself whenever I got the urge.

On another note, this news story scared the fuck out of me.

In Oryx and Crake, Margaret Atwood decribes the world as she imagines it a few hundred years in our bio-engineering future. In this setting, there are 3 or 4 giant compounds which are all owned by one
gen company or another; things go awry, of course.

That book scared the fuck out of me.

I wouldn't mind going back to prehistory and starting over. 'Course, then I wouldn't know you. But I'd feel better about humanity, maybe...

At least, I wouldn't be thinking about humanity. I'd be watching my back every time I bent over to get a drink of water and making sure some fully engorged caveman wasn't rushing my bum.

The Everglades said...

It's like you are a prophet:

"Considering our tendencies toward body odor, televised football and underwear skid marks, there is a good chance that THIS is a breaking point."

Can I donate money to your church?

Blake

Dr. Mike said...

I *LOVE* the last sentence of the article:

"In theory, these stem cells could be used to grow replacement brain tissue for a woman who had developed Parkinson's disease."

... NOW, I feel much better. He's growing brains for women!

Things to consider:
1) We can clone "hotties".
2) Child support?! Thing of the past!
3) "Hold the fat gal, heavy on the breast-us, special order's might obsest-us..." [Have it YOUR way!]

Mishka said...

Hmmmm....what to do with the power....

Ari said...

I'm with Amanda... a guy-free world would annoy me.

But, these kind of stories do kinda make me sick at my stomach. Feels like the world's lurching a couple more degrees toward Brave New World every time I read one.

Raehan said...

I feel a little guilty about how big my smile was when I read this.

By the way, I love you, too. You can stick around another week, I suppose.

lilly05 said...

I can't stand working in a predominantly female workplace, why would you think that I would want to live in a male free world? Oh and Dr Mike I AM the SMALL BREASTED FAT CHICK, deal with it 'cause by the time they create the "perfect Woman" You'll be OBSOLETE!! (evil chuckle) Great post as always Dave. Scares the shit out of me that we are still trying to bio-engineer all the good out of our species....make you think about "The Island"?

babyjewels said...

we'll always need men. we'd just start keeping you as pets. (and I'll be that crazy old woman with like 28 men pets and a house full of feces. good times)

Lee Ann said...

No, I couldn't do without "the man". I just love so much about "the man". Men are truly different from women, the way they look, think, and act. I always had guy friends when I was a teenager. They took care of me, were honest with me, and I didn't have listen to "gossip" or worry about them stabbing me in the back. The friendship was just more pure. In my opinion, that is why men and women were made, because we "fit" together well.

Weary Hag said...

You kidding? By the time I hit 40, I hungered for a guy who shot blanks anyway. Had I anything to say about it, the vasectomy would have been a mandatory requirement at 40. Who needs your sperm? If a woman were so inclined to breed, that's what those little, hush-hush banks are for.
And contrary to popular belief, I don't think most women really want the suck-up kind of guy either. When would we get the chance to enjoy the sacred make-up-sex if everything always went our way?
[clicking tongue] Trust me Dave, you guys have nothing to fear.

Spinning Girl said...

Hag and Lee Ann hit the nail on the head.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I thought it was dildoes that made us unnecessary.

phoenix said...

Sorry, gotta have my sports watching, smelly, farting and belching man for more than chores and yard work. ;)

Chris Cope said...

On the plus side, this allows more time for watching football and reduces our need to bathe or change our underwear.

Weary Hag said...

Dildos can't take out the garbage.