For your information, I've never:
1- lowered myself via a rope around my ankles through a manhole to recover a green jade bracelet.
2- Touched the body of an elusive and deadly hammer-head shark with a real hammer-head while whistling the theme to “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
3- Had the urge to clean the navel of a big sweaty Mexican guy named Sidney during the months of July, August or October.
4- Drank tea while on a flight to Amsterdam.
5- Heaved a large stone into the Grand Canyon while wearing a purple flannel jumpsuit.
6- Shared photos of a friend’s pet hamster with an Irish guy by the name of Shelby.
7- Deviated from a plan to build the world’s first shopping mall made out of green soda bottles by substituting amber ones.
8- Examined the skeletal remains of an antelope while water skiing.
9- Cleaned the pool of any former president of the US when I should have been making deer jerky for a Canadian law student.
10- Held more than a dozen safety pins in one hand while farting to the tune of “My Sharona.”
11- Venetian baby shaking.
To be continued...