Friday, May 27, 2005

I've Never Been To Me

Due to pressures from other bloggers, friends and several Portugese salmon fishermen, I've accumulated a list of a few things I've NEVER done.

For your information, I've never:

1- lowered myself via a rope around my ankles through a manhole to recover a green jade bracelet.

2- Touched the body of an elusive and deadly hammer-head shark with a real hammer-head while whistling the theme to “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

3- Had the urge to clean the navel of a big sweaty Mexican guy named Sidney during the months of July, August or October.

4- Drank tea while on a flight to Amsterdam.

5- Heaved a large stone into the Grand Canyon while wearing a purple flannel jumpsuit.

6- Shared photos of a friend’s pet hamster with an Irish guy by the name of Shelby.

7- Deviated from a plan to build the world’s first shopping mall made out of green soda bottles by substituting amber ones.

8- Examined the skeletal remains of an antelope while water skiing.

9- Cleaned the pool of any former president of the US when I should have been making deer jerky for a Canadian law student.

10- Held more than a dozen safety pins in one hand while farting to the tune of “My Sharona.”

11- Venetian baby shaking.


To be continued...

Happy Friday!

***

11 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I'm calling you out on the item about the hamster photos. I know for a fact...wait a minute, maybe the guy's name WAS Shelby...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Well, you're young yet. Given some time, many of these will come to pass.

Kerouaced said...

That green jade bracelet was mine. You didn't happen to see a a body down there did you? Not that I would know anything about that. I really liked those. Kee them coming...

Chris Cope said...

I have never tap danced at a nudist colony (more's the pity, too)

Raehan said...

I must say, I'm very impressed.

Juno said...

It's good to have goals :)

Dream big.

gary said...

But you HAVE jumped out of a plane wearing a PINK jumpsuit!!!

Weary Hag said...

One question: Does this mean you cleaned Sidney's navel during May? Cuz I thought that was MY job that month.
(keep these lists comin)

The Everglades said...

I've never taken done any of that stuff! Put I've petted a Swiss Cow in the Swiss Alps.

Blake

Angie said...

You have plenty of time to work on getting those things accomplished. :)

Spinning Girl said...

THIS made me snort, which is a mighty compliment.