Saturday, May 21, 2005

Episode two of "Things I've Learned"

More curriculum from the School of Hard Knocks:


1 - Carrots explode in the microwave. So do eggs. Thus, you should never try to make a carrot omelet the “quick” way.

2 - When your daughter says she loves you, it’s true. But there is usually a follow-up. This is normal.

3 - We should be able to fine our Mother 50 cents each time we’re too scared to lick the peanut butter off a knife. Mothers, good and bad ones, are in the business of irrational fear.

4 - “Together forever” is a farce. In a photo from about 1 year ago, including 5 couples who went to New Orleans to celebrate my birthday, only two are still together. And oddly enough, my wife and I aren’t one of them.

5 - If you want time to pass faster, don’t try to make it happen by doing laundry or yard work.

6 - If I go to a restaurant specifically for a certain item, that restaurant will be out of that item. Always call ahead on “prime rib special” night.

7 - Cash in your pocket makes you feel safer, unless you’re in North St. Louis, South Chicago or East L-A.

8 - Oddly, people find comfort in foods, stains, clouds or natural formations that are shaped like the virgin Mary. Or like a penis. It is difficult not to see the irony in this.

9 - Teenagers are the most irritating when they think they know more than me. It’s even more disturbing when I realize they do.

10 - Spam (the food kind) is what you make it. Fried, or baked with brown sugar and a slice of pineapple, it can be a most palatable meal.

11 - If you have an idea, patent it. If you think of a website address you want, secure it. If you don’t, someone else will, and that’ll just piss you off.

7 comments:

Angie said...

Carrot omelette? That does not sound good at all. :-/ Put the spam in your eggs, its their "spambled egg" recipe not mine. That does not sound good either. :-/

Weary Hag said...

I sure do love your lists. I think all blogs should contain some sort of list at least once a week ... maybe more for those who have less to ramble about. Great job!
I especially love 2, 3 and 8, though I couldn't access the penis image.
NOTE: never leave a penis image up to my imagination.

Kerouaced said...

Good read as usual. You really have somethin going with these lists...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You can make rutabaga omelets too, if you're a little bit nutty.

(P.S. Still sorry to see you're "not one of them.")

Ari said...

About # 8, Thomas Mann once said, "When one is possessed by an idea, one finds it expressed everywhere" (or somethin' like that, except in German).

Arguably, religion and sex are 2 of the most pervasive ideas by which we're possessed. Oh, and Elvis, apparently.

gary said...

Re. #4:
From an OPTIMISTIC point of view, we did have a great weekend...and 4 out of the 5 of us came back home STILL as a couple and we were both one of those 4!!!

Ahh...the good ole days!!

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