More curriculum from the School of Hard Knocks:
1 - Carrots explode in the microwave. So do eggs. Thus, you should never try to make a carrot omelet the “quick” way.
2 - When your daughter says she loves you, it’s true. But there is usually a follow-up. This is normal.
3 - We should be able to fine our Mother 50 cents each time we’re too scared to lick the peanut butter off a knife. Mothers, good and bad ones, are in the business of irrational fear.
4 - “Together forever” is a farce. In a photo from about 1 year ago, including 5 couples who went to New Orleans to celebrate my birthday, only two are still together. And oddly enough, my wife and I aren’t one of them.
5 - If you want time to pass faster, don’t try to make it happen by doing laundry or yard work.
6 - If I go to a restaurant specifically for a certain item, that restaurant will be out of that item. Always call ahead on “prime rib special” night.
7 - Cash in your pocket makes you feel safer, unless you’re in North St. Louis, South Chicago or East L-A.
8 - Oddly, people find comfort in foods, stains, clouds or natural formations that are shaped like the virgin Mary. Or like a penis. It is difficult not to see the irony in this.
9 - Teenagers are the most irritating when they think they know more than me. It’s even more disturbing when I realize they do.
10 - Spam (the food kind) is what you make it. Fried, or baked with brown sugar and a slice of pineapple, it can be a most palatable meal.
11 - If you have an idea, patent it. If you think of a website address you want, secure it. If you don’t, someone else will, and that’ll just piss you off.