Monday, May 30, 2005

Things I did NOT do over the weekend...

It was a great holiday weekend, with a trip out of town for my brother's wedding reception. (he was married a couple of weeks ago in Negril)

I am now prepared to give you a brief list of things I did not do during my trip:

1 - Forget to close the tailgate of my truck, and be made aware of it's state of openness by a pissed motorist who now has a Titleist Pro Titanium 905T driver stuck in his grill.*

2 - Get an extreme nicotine overload headache while on the golf course by smoking three major stogies in chain fashion.**

3 - Hit a drive completely around the globe, bouncing lightly off the ionosphere somewhere over Greenland, scorching lightly on reentry and landing exactly 6 inches behind the tee only seconds later.***

4 - Trash my laptop in a dumpster behind Shop 'n Save after spending three hours on a slide show for Ron's wedding reception (complete with music bed and fancy transitions) only to find the DVD burner is defective.****

5 - Hide a little something in Ron's mattress that he likely won't find for a few days, and only then because dead catfish have a way of eventually making themselves known.*****

6 - Wear a pink vest and tie at the reception, looking vaguely like a gay man.******

7 - Give $100 in hush money to a mouthy transvestite (friend of the bride) who claimed "she" knew things about me nobody should know. And I mean nobody.*******

8 - Drunkenly admit the nickname of a certain part of my body to a group of friends while eating biscuits and gravy at 1 am at Country Kitchen on Ellis Boulevard in Jefferson City, only to be forced to make a phone call for third party confirmation because my nephew's girlfriend called me a liar.********

9 - Get the bride's name wrong during the official "best man" toast at the reception.*********

10 - Find a pair of crusty lederhosen in my truck this morning, causing me to question last night's level of insobriety, my german heritage and why I had the distinct taste of sauer kraut in my mouth.**********

If I remember anything else that DIDN'T happen, I'll let you know. Happy "feels like Monday!"

* - Gary, you left your clubs in my truck
** - It was four, and they were spectacular
*** - The ball actually circumnavigated the earth TWICE
**** - It was behind the BP convenience mart in the Wal-Mart parking lot
***** - Actually it's a salmon and it's in the box springs
****** - Although my brother DID, and it triggered earthquakes two thousand miles away in San Francisco during that day-long masturbation festival over the weekend
******* - $150
******** - okay, actually I DID do that one
********* - although I had a cyanide tablet in my hand and a glass of water alongside "just in case."
********** - I have no idea what any of that meant, but I DO know it did NOT happen.


Kerouaced said...

Now that helped this dull Tuesday to move along a bit quicker. Good stuff...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

For Christ's sake, you maniac, take the cyanide!!!

Weary Hag said...

Salmon in the bedsprings. Hm. (jotting this down for future use)

Hell of a weekend, eh?