Thursday, May 26, 2005

Dear Congressman:

I've heard about the proposal illegalizing cell phones while driving, and I think it's a GREAT idea! It's time for government to step in yet again, to make sure we're as safe as we can be.

Banning cell phone use while driving is a only a start, however. Let's ALSO do something about other nefarious activities taking place behind the wheel.

Eating, for instance. I say ban all drive-thru windows NOW. Recently, I witnessed another driver operating their vehicle with one hand and eating drive-thru food with the other. The safety issues associated with consuming victuals while steering are obvious. (plus, if I'm going to die, it better be caused by something more significant than a Jack-in-the-Box taco)

Also, make-up. My wife is a CONSTANT danger on the road, she's been known to apply mascara while turning a corner! We need a law NOW banning the use of make-up in a motor vehicle. Another effective deterrent might be legislating the size of the containers of make-up, perhaps allowing only gallon drums, so drivers won't be tempted to break the law just because they are running late. Purse-sized makeup should be a thing of the past.

And, let's talk about CDs, tapes and radios. It irks me that you haven't already done something about this eternal hazard. Fumbling through a box of CDs while changing lanes is HARDLY a safe thing to do. I refuse to lose my life because "Wanda the Maldroit" is vacillating between Jack Jones Sings Torchin' Tunes and William Shatner's Greatest Hits.

One of the biggest distractions to people operating a motor vehicle... is other people. Recently I witnessed a woman taking her eyes off the road to glance over at a passenger who was talking to her! Please, Mr. Congressman, this sort of jeapordous activity needs to stop. Of course I realize it's hard to ask a human being to avoid speaking, so I propose a much more facile solution, NO PASSENGERS. Banning carpooling of any kind is the most direct way to address this menacing threat. (and just think... your big corporate automaker friends will LOVE you) If this endeavor fails, we should consider banning children. They are extreme diversions from the safe driving experience.

Finally, I suggest immediate legislation against speedometers. Driving manuals suggest looking at the speedometer every TEN SECONDS! Need I even mention how audacious this activity is?

Public safety is your primary concern, Mr. Congressman, so I strongly urge you to start the ball rolling on motor vehicle safety reform IMMEDIATELY.

Then let's talk about bathtubs. Did you know people DROWN in those things?!?!

Dave Morris, Your Helpful Constituent


Angie said...

Kind of gives you the same feeling as when your parents look at you and think you are some idiot child at age 38.

Kerouaced said...

I think I smell sarcasm. A Modest Proposal? If William Shatner really does have a greatest hits CD the world really is in trouble and driving while talking on a cellphone should be the least of our worries. Good stuff as usual...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The ones of which I am especially fearful are those who Kovet Kleenex (or, Covet Cleenex) while driving, and can't quite reach one.

They are insensitive to alliteration, which is key to safe swerving.

Weary Hag said...

I say we all call our Congressmen now, reinforcing this clearly thought out and unarguable plea ~ but just for craps and giggles, we should call from our cell phones, while driving, with screaming kids and jamming CCR in the background.

The Cuke said...

We ought to eliminate all review mirrors... recommended they be constantly checked? What, every four seconds?? Do we really have time for that when we could be in for it. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be looking at some fat sweaty guy behind me in a pick-up truck picking his nose when I'm about to run head-on into construction work and on-coming traffic.
But on a more serious note, we really ought to mandate IQ tests upon attempting to acquire a driver's liscense, and no evaluation determing an intelligence quotient of anything below 110 (because, really, the "average" of 100 (and don't let me get started on IQ tests in general) is sadly dim-witted..) may indicate the allowance of the distribution of said liscense.