Dear Congressman:

I've heard about the proposal illegalizing cell phones while driving, and I think it's a GREAT idea! It's time for government to step in yet again, to make sure we're as safe as we can be.

Banning cell phone use while driving is a only a start, however. Let's ALSO do something about other nefarious activities taking place behind the wheel.

Eating, for instance. I say ban all drive-thru windows NOW. Recently, I witnessed another driver operating their vehicle with one hand and eating drive-thru food with the other. The safety issues associated with consuming victuals while steering are obvious. (plus, if I'm going to die, it better be caused by something more significant than a Jack-in-the-Box taco)

Also, make-up. My wife is a CONSTANT danger on the road, she's been known to apply mascara while turning a corner! We need a law NOW banning the use of make-up in a motor vehicle. Another effective deterrent might be legislating the size of the containers of make-up, perhaps allowing only gallon drums, so drivers won't be tempted to break the law just because they are running late. Purse-sized makeup should be a thing of the past.

And, let's talk about CDs, tapes and radios. It irks me that you haven't already done something about this eternal hazard. Fumbling through a box of CDs while changing lanes is HARDLY a safe thing to do. I refuse to lose my life because "Wanda the Maldroit" is vacillating between Jack Jones Sings Torchin' Tunes and William Shatner's Greatest Hits.

One of the biggest distractions to people operating a motor vehicle... is other people. Recently I witnessed a woman taking her eyes off the road to glance over at a passenger who was talking to her! Please, Mr. Congressman, this sort of jeapordous activity needs to stop. Of course I realize it's hard to ask a human being to avoid speaking, so I propose a much more facile solution, NO PASSENGERS. Banning carpooling of any kind is the most direct way to address this menacing threat. (and just think... your big corporate automaker friends will LOVE you) If this endeavor fails, we should consider banning children. They are extreme diversions from the safe driving experience.

Finally, I suggest immediate legislation against speedometers. Driving manuals suggest looking at the speedometer every TEN SECONDS! Need I even mention how audacious this activity is?

Public safety is your primary concern, Mr. Congressman, so I strongly urge you to start the ball rolling on motor vehicle safety reform IMMEDIATELY.

Then let's talk about bathtubs. Did you know people DROWN in those things?!?!

Signed,
Dave Morris, Your Helpful Constituent