Monday, May 16, 2005

A few things I've learned

Things were falling out of my head again today, as I pondered life and it's valuable lessons. So I figured I might as well burden you with my mental flotsam. On my journey, I've learned:

1 - What’s right for you isn’t right for the next guy. Unless we’re talking about Anna Kournikova here.

2 - The older you get, the more stamps you have in the house.

3 - Now’s not a good time. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

4 - The length of time you can tolerate watching reality television is inversely proportionate to the length of time a person who doesn’t know what “inversely proportionate” means can watch reality television.

5 - People named Howard always have a certain look about them. Also Larry.

6 - Your lower back will cramp at the furthest point of the bike trail.

7 - A cell phone’s address book capacity will always be approximately 90 percent of your number of friends, family and associates.

8 - Nobody stops by unannounced unless you’re naked.

8b - Being naked doesn’t necessarily make someone stop by.

9 - Vegetable medleys suck.

10 - Sometime when you’re out of TP, you may be tempted to use a “feminine napkin.” Avoid doing this. The linear slippage factor is vastly less than that to which you are accustomed.

11 - You can’t screw up stir-fry, even by adding fruit.

12 - Corvettes are “look at me” cars. Except the one my friend Gary owns. He’s different. Just ask him. *

13 - If you ever own a cat, you should name him Ron. Every time you call him you’ll giggle. Ron is no name for a cat.

14 - You can search every channel late at night, and nothing you find will make you stop missing Johnny Carson.

15 - There’s no way a person with hands my size can ever eat an entire can of Pringles.

That's all I came up with for now... although my head tends to spring leaks at the most inopportune moments.

* - It's an inside joke. Gary knows I'm kidding. Mostly.



gary said...

I'm quite certain there'll be a Beemer comment coming out of mouth in the near future. I just love ya enough to for warn ya!!! I don't remember seing you PASS me on the highway Saturday night...what happened there???

Dave Morris said...

You're a numbers guy, you figure it out. Let's see, I'm MINUS one hundred horses... PLUS the element of surprise... = in the dust, party of me.

Although that trip was particularly fun. Nobody was passing either of us!!

gary said...

So true...let's do in again. I'll let YOU lead this least in the beginning!!!

Mags said...

Heh heh, the "Ron" thing cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Raehan said...

Thank you for your lovely comment on my site. It was very nice of you.

I like your list, but have one objection, I can mess up a stir-fry.

couchpotato said...

That was hilarious! And I agree with you about Howard and Larry. They do have that look! ;)

M+ said...

This is my kinda post! #4 is definitly the most true.
I do stuff like this all the time on my blog. Except that I usually put my thoughts out there as questions that should be pondered over.
Nice blog, and thanks for visiting mine.

Kerouaced said...

More! Those were great.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

When I go naked, people don't visit. They leave.

Debalina said...

You got certainly the most hilarious post I came across !
**hahahaha hahahaha ..ha ha ha..** trying my best to stop now..but.. LOLZ !

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

#4 is genius. It took me moment to sort it ut, but knowing that I watch no reality TV whatsoever, I knew it was a matter of moments before it came clear.

It did.

Angie said...

You drive a Beemer? Huh ...

I would never own a cat! I promise!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That's a great list. I read #10 with profit. Thanks for the warning.

Noir Muse said...

I do enjoy whipping out "inversely proportional" at a party. It's concise, descriptive and just obscure enough for those in the know to feel clever. Also, I am so glad I passed the reality television haters test…