Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Vacancy: Dave's Head

You might ask: "Dave... how can I tell when you have nothing on your mind?"

Answer: "When I write a goofy horiscope translation as a proxy for something substantive, meaningful and consequential."

What my horiscope for today SAYS:

TAURUS *** You might not realize the impact of a decision. You might be coming from a strong sense of security. Your family and domestic life need to take a greater priority. Make calls in the later afternoon. Meetings work. Tonight: Out and about.

What my horiscope for today MEANS:

Taurus *** You shouldn't have added the Mrs. Renfro's Habenero Seed Salsa to your nachos last night... you might be able to wander further than 20 feet from the loo today. Perhaps your colon's not lead-lined after all. Don't blow off taking your daughter to her track meet in favor of "just one more throw" at the craps table. Avoid your usual 3 hour nap. Instead, actually try to keep your business solvent. Maybe you should have powwowed with the wife before trading in the mini van for a Suzuki Hayabusa GSX1300R with the extra chrome package. Tonight: marriage counselor.


Old Horsetail Snake said...

I had an abused Suzuki once.

Also abused myself with habaneros, ONCE!

Hey, Dave, I got this great idea:

I will write my piece and email it to you. Then you write comments on it. Then we throw away my piece and run your comments, which are far, far funnier.

What say?

Weary Hag said...

A dangerous mind is one that the owner claims to be empty, yet spews talent and humor every step of the "nothing" way.
Great job Dave!

Dr. Mike said...

Lead-lined deceit. Reminds me of a time I dropped a spicey bowl of "twice-burn chili" into my colon. About 3 a.m. it burned me the second time...

Chris Cope said...

Never ever powwow with someone who would try to dissuade you from purchasing a Suzuki Hayabusa.

(Yeah, I'm one to talk -- the guy who allowed his motorcycle license to expire at his wife's request...)