Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Screw OPEC

Okay, time for a reality check.

Oil closed somewhere in the mid 50's per barrel today, and the gas-guzzling GMC "cowboy cadillac" sitting in my driveway costs nearly $60 per fill-up. Between our two vehicles, we "shell" out $430 a month for dead dinosaur juice!

Having said that, let's examine gasoline's relative cheapness. You heard me, it's cheap.

Consider these admittedly ridiculous scenarios:

If my truck burned Gatorade, at a cost of $10.17 per gallon, it would cost $254 per fill-up - over a grand a month. (but imagine that electrolyte buzz)

If it burned Evian bottled water, I'd expect to peel off 21.19 per gallon - or in excess of $2,100 per month. (but wouldn't I look sophisticated?)

Filling up a truck's tank with Scope mouth wash for a month, 9 thousand dollars. Never having to worry about foul-smelling exhaust, priceless.

Then there's Nyquil. In the incredibly farfetched event my truck burned the "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest medicine," I'd be getting a "damn, freaking, son-of-a-bitching, shitting-my-pantsing, MF-ing loan" for $17,800 per month in order to keep the tank full.

(if you're easily offended, at this time please page down to my article about Easter because you probably don't want to know about the following price comparison)

Years ago, I considered making my contribution toward advancement of the human race by giving a small "DNA sample" at a "repository" down the street. They were offering 200 bucks per "donation," and I definitely needed the "money." (why am I putting quotes around everything?) Long story short, I decided I couldn't withstand the embarrassment of the "handoff." But, at a price point of 200 bucks per "shot..." if ol' Betsy burned "baby batter..."

Know what? Never mind.

Next time you look with disdain at the gas station sign, instead just be happy your vehicle doesn't guzzle any of these, uh, products... and FILL 'ER UP! It's ONLY a second mortgage.



OldHorsetailSnake said...

Run your cars on Red Cross blood. Apparently, it's free.

gary said...

Bud Light- $3.97/gal.
By product of above mentioned product-No Charge!

Can't I just drink the beer and piss in the tank???

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Dead dinosaur juice. That's a great name for gasoline!

Anonymous said...

You crack me up. And you have to much time on your hands if your able to sit around this kind of stuff out. But a good post none the less.

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