"Ffff-uuuuhh-cccck" says the caterpillar

I am a bad blogger.

Although, if you'd seen my office/recording studio recently, you'd recognize how much progress these photos show. In other words, I actually have an excuse for not blogging lately.

I've been filing papers, hooking up computers, installing software, upgrading machines, hanging pictures, decorating... and between it all, actually doing a full load of voice over work and watching Tivo'd episodes of Scrubs.

Maybe it doesn't LOOK organized. But it is. Trust me. Maybe I should find another place for the decorative "globe." And that joystick? That's for BUSINESS purposes. Sometimes in my job, I am required to fly an airplane, and this will keep me in practice.

Another view of that stupid globe. And the joystick. I might have the only desk with a 5.1 dolby surround speaker system and subwoofer. Maybe not - most cool people have them.

This is a peek into my recording booth. There are no joysticks or globes in there. Just a microphone, headphones, a copy stand and stool.

For two years (embarrassing) I've been in "temporary" mode in my office. All of that is changing now, as I try to get prepared for the new baby next spring.

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Something to try: Wipe your ass while smiling. It's not as easy as it sounds. You end up with sort of a grimace-smirk-smile.

You know you'll try it.

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Emily and I have been discussing our halloween costumes for this year's big bash. We both believe this will be the year she stops winning the "sexiest costume" award. I can't divulge anything more... except to say that if she doesn't win, it has nothing to do with her not being sexy.

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Our schedule is pretty crazy this weekend. We're headed out in a few minutes to the Clayton Art Fair, to check out some of the stuff they call "art." (although if you've ever been in my house, you've seen a sculpture I bought in a drunken haze one year and wondered "WTF?") I'm not taking my checkbook, so it's not likely we'll need to drive the Hummer for it's copious cargo space.

Tonight we're babysitting Ella, and will continue her accelerated education by teaching her combustion theory and chemical equilibrium, and we'll probably touch on quantum mechanics.

Plus, we'll play with her caterpillar toy that you can use to sound out dirty words. You should hear what Dr. Mike made it say last night. I am blushing as I type this, and Mike... you are an animal. Completely disgusting.

Tomorrow, we'll be attending a football party at Bill & Chris' garage. Emily will need to be the designated driver. Again.

That should be plenty for a weekend. I will write more this week and it won't be so boring.

Kid Nation

Reality television scores another huge victory, as CBS (Children Being Screwed) wraps up taping of what I'm sure will be a highly viewed reality series, "Kid Nation."

Synopsis of the show: Forty children between the ages of 8 and 15 are dropped off in an abandoned New Mexico desert town and left to fend for themselves without adult intervention (except of course for the grown-up camera crews poised to capture all the action.)

The network is taking alot of heat about the concept of the show, and rightly so. But why would I be particularly harsh on the network? Oh sure, they dreamed up the idea, had their attorneys draw up the 22-page non-disclosure and indemnification agreement (which also absolves the network of responsibility in the event of injuries - the attorneys even thought to include sexually transmitted diseases) and taped the whole thing, but c'mon. It's really the PARENTS WHO AGREE TO ALLOW THEIR CHILDREN TO PARTICIPATE that I take issue with.

So a closed circuit message to those people:

You are stupid. You allow a television network to take your child out of school and put them in a "town" without you (and with minimal adult supervision) and let them fend for themselves.

Then, when something does happen (and who couldn't predict that???) you bitch to the media that your child was injured. Hey "mom and dad," you knew the risks, but for a little fame and five grand, you were willing to risk it.

You, the parents of the children who "star" in Kid Nation, are witless, and should be stripped of your parenting license. (if there were such a thing, and don't you wish there were)

It's more than just this one show. And it isn't the kids, but the parents, who are responsible for the popularity of shows like this, or networks like MTV (M T&A). They allow their kids to do whatever they want. To run amok. Watch whatever, do whatever... hey, they need to learn to express themselves, they need the freedom to make their own way and be who they are.

You are the same parents who allow their children to scream at the top of their lungs, run from table to table in restaurants, throw fits when they don't get their way and hit or yell at you in disrespect. They are spoiled, loud, narcissistic meglomaniacs.

And you know what, people? You get what you deserve. If you allow your child to participate in a TV show, get burned by a grease fire, sunburned until scarring takes place or catch an STD, it's all on you.

And hey CBS... anything for money, right?

Momentum

Life is all about momentum.

I'd need a doctor to confirm or deny it, but cataclysmic medical issues aside (such as cancer or heart attack) you die when you lose your momentum.

My grandmother worked in a restaurant, lugging plates of food and platters of drinks until about a year before she died. She decided it was time to "retire," so she quit. The problem is, she didn't have anything else to DO after that... so she sat in her house watching television and eating the same thing... day after day... until she died.

And all it took was a year.

Pray the day never comes when you hear Mom say "I think I'll skip my walk today." Or from Dad, "I'm too tired to go to the strip joint."

You must keep moving forward. To slow down too much is to stop. And we all know what stopping means.

I'm writing this down... so in 40 years, I won't forget.

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As we prepare for the baby's arrival, Emily and I are each working on our individual preparation projects. She is shopping for outfits, diapers, wall decorations for the nursery...

I went shopping for this.
It's a high definition hard-drive camcorder. If we're having a baby, we need to record as much of him or her as possible. I don't have a lot of video of Courtney when she was little. Sure we rented a camcorder for the big events, but we have very little footage of her everyday cuteness. That will change with little "Earl" or "Earlene." (only temporary names, don't worry)

As you've probably gathered, electronic gadgets are my weakness. I sit around all day playing with this thing. I've videoed the dog and cat, Emily lying in bed with morning sickness, a Mexican guy fixing the telephone lines behind our house, even us watching a baseball game... at home in our living room. WTF?

I think I'll tape myself taking out the trash later.

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Nothing is spookier (besides maybe Hannibal Lector or Rosie O'Donnell without makeup) (or Rosie O'Donnell with makeup) than finding out somebody else is living their life... as you.

I found out a guy in Indianapolis is working and living under my exact name and social security number. I received a letter from the IRS saying I hadn't claimed some income from 2005, because I failed to report my W2 from a brick and shale company based in Tennessee.

When the smoke cleared, I learned (through local law enforcement and the feds) that an illegal immigrant has been using my name and SS# for three years, in order to work and live in the US. I can't imagine where he got my info, but I'm hoping by now he's been arrested and his ass is sitting on a bus back to Mexico.

This immigration thing MUST be fixed. This is the second time in seven years that my identity has been stolen.

Now I just need to find a way to convince Master Card that it was that Mexican guy who fraudulently charged a new camcorder to my account.

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I'm in the middle of a complete redesign of my website, planning a wedding, planning for the arrival of a child, organizing my office and recording studio, getting the odds and ends of my life cleaned up... as you can see, I have a few things on my plate. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, and when I finally did, it wasn't that interesting.

PS - I just noticed that Google now lets you add video directly to your blog posts. Sweet! I have some great footage of me clipping my toenails in HD.

Big Daddy Dave

You may choose to skip this entry, some of it might be boring. It's more or less a personal perspective of where I am right now, and where we're going as a family. More of journal entry, really.

Lightning Bug's Butt has called me Big Daddy Dave for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure why - maybe he had a premonition that I'd sire a child soon. ("sire a child" - I sound like a horse... although it would be "sire a colt" I guess) I regard the nickname as one of those oddities I can't explain.

It's weird how your goals and motivations change when you find out you're going to be a parent. Women tend to begin nesting pretty quickly - they start picking out clothes, furniture, cleaning the house, getting the baby's room organized, the warm-fuzzy stuff.

Men start thinking of ways to provide for the family. I've been on a kick to do some things I've been meaning to do for a while, such as updating my demo audio, getting my business matters organized, aggressively pursuing new business, etc. In just a week I've signed two new clients, and have another big one ready to go. Pretty exciting, considering all I needed to do was get off my lazy butt and DO it.

I had become complacent. I have more than enough business to pay our bills and support our lifestyle. But with a baby on the way, we have the future to worry about now. It's not enough to be OK today, we have to be OK for twenty more years. In just a few days and with some aggressive moves... my business grew five percent. In another month or two, I have no doubt I can hit twenty to thirty percent.

I remember when I was first building my business... it was sink or swim. I chose to swim, and it took hard work and long hours, but things worked out. That's what it feels like now... like I'm starting over from scratch with the renewed energy and enthusiasm I've lacked for a little while.

Dr. Mike has it right when he says this is the perfect time to be a father. He is also in his low 40's. He has Ella, who is one year old, and he and Paula are trying to have another. I agree with his philosophy - we are having kids when we can actually enjoy them. Not that Courtney (my 18 year old) didn't provide fulfillment, meaning and purpose to my life, but I made almost no money back then, worked 50 and 60 hours a week and had the patience of a 25-year-old.

Imagine how things will be different this time. I make twenty times the money, have tons more patience, and I work from home. I have a flexible schedule that will allow me to spend quality time with the baby, take him or her to the park, to school, to play dates, etc. The same with Emily. She's getting her PhD in psychology and will open a practice, which will eventually allow her to set her own hours and really be a parent.

I'm really looking forward to the whole thing. I was hesitant about having more children, and being the selfish bastard I am, was close to deciding against it. I'm glad we made the decision we did.

We had our first ultra-sound yesterday. We got 3-D pictures and saw the heart beating. What an amazing ride this is going to be!

Dang! - a weekend update

I didn't get my office painted over the weekend, my back was too sore. I'm thinking about heading to the doctor, I might have a slipped disc or cancer or something.

A bunch of friends went to see Bourne Ultimatum yesterday... totally great flick. Lots of action, really intense story line... the only thing I can even remotely complain about is the camera work. It's the shaky stuff. You know, like the camera operator is trying to follow the action and send a text message at the same time.

It looks like there will be more sequels after "Ultimatum," the ending was wide-open. I'm glad Ada lent us the first two movies. After seeing the third one, I'm like a fat kid in a donut shop.

Not sure what that means.

We went with two other couples. I can't remember ever attending a movie with a group of people - it's always been me and one other person. It was fun, although Dr. Mike kept flipping me off and throwing popcorn. Paula, please control your subject.

So all-in-all, I'm glad I didn't paint my office. Dave procrastinates again, what a shock!

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Sixty mile per hour winds woke me up at midnight last night. OK, actually the dog (who was freaked-the-hell-out) woke me up, but you get the picture.

I love storms. There's just something exciting about watching the lightning across the sky and feeling the ground shudder when thunder booms. And hearing the sump pump kick on. And resetting all the clocks. And picking up limbs.

OK, so storms suck.

I was hoping to see some of the meteor shower last night, but was unable because of clouds. Did you get a look from your location???

Wilt thou?

Over 100-degree highs for the forseeable future. Oh, sure - they say by next Thursday we may dip down into the low 90's, but weather guys are about as reliable as coal mine operators.

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On the weekend schedule, we're headed to a St. Louis Cardinals game tomorrow, where game-time temperatures will be around 100 and humidity will make it feel like 110. If our seats are in the sun, we might just head down the street to Mike Shannon's restaurant, sit at the bar and watch the game in high def. Three or four dirty martinis with bleu cheese olives will make me think I'm still at the game.

Plus, they are about the same price as a small beer at the ball park. I'd make that trade all day, every day!

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I love painting. And when I say "love," I'm really saying "never ending hate." This Sunday I will be painting my office. That is, if the searing pain in my lower back subsides.

I can lift 50 pound bags of potting soil, dog food or whatever all day, then lean over to pick up a sandwich and be out of commission for a friggin' week. Back problems are a recurring thing for me... much like marriage, only less expensive and I don't end up hating my back and thinking of ways to exact revenge upon it.

Oddly enough, I originally injured my back loading my stereo up when I got divorced the first time. I find that kind of funny!

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Irony: Writing your final child support check on July 19, and finding out you are having a new baby exactly one week later.

My favorite thing in life is being a father. I've gotten more satisfaction and enjoyment from it than everything else in my life combined. I can't wait for April 6th!

But it's still ironic.

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Tivo is an amazing tool. It has done more for television than anything else I can think of for the past 30 years. We are definitely a Tivo household... we have four. Tivo is my crack.

Do you have Tivo? If so, do you ever find yourself catching a glimpse of a chick in a bikini as you fast-forward through a commercial break, then actually scan back through the commercials to get a look?

Yeah, me neither.

Taurus rising

Prejudice: an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.

For years, I've been pre-judged because I am a Taurus. Oooh, I must be one stubborn son-of-a-bitch... after all, I'm a BULL. Bull in a china shop, bull headed... all of that. And while I may be stubborn sometimes, most of it is bull shit.

So I was ever so slightly offended, but mostly just disappointed as I listened to a group of people tell me what our new baby will be like based on the fact he or she will be an Aries. "Oh my, Aries children tend to be collicky, and they take longer to potty-train."

Hey, the little tike's Dad is an asshole, that's factual, and far more impactful.

The irony is, none of these people really realized what they were doing. They were pre-judging him/her "without knowledge, thought or reason." (no, the zodiac calendar isn't considered reason) Come on, folks... it's 2007! Do we still insist on judging people based on where the sun was during their birth? I will save you some time - it was in the sky.

The same group of people would never judge someone based on color... these are all reasonable, thoughtful people. Yet they will say that Bob can't possibly marry Sally... she's a Capricorn with Mars rising, and he's a Pisces with Moon in retrograde. That would never work!

How about Bob's gay? That would be a reason.

Reading tea leaves? Same thing, it's all bullshit. You'd be better off sniffing the person's middle finger. A "breakthrough" can really ruin a day. The tea leaves will only tell you if they backwash.

Although I do love me some chinese fortune cookies.

(yeah thanks Confucius. I already knew that)

A picture says a thousand words...

So FIVE pictures would be, like... um. Well anyway, I was never good at math.

Car air conditioners have changed a lot through the years. Apparently this is the latest incarnation. When we were returning from a night out recently, we stopped for gas in a sort of bad part of town. It proved to be a rich stop for us.

A closer look shows that the guy apparently didn't want anyone to steal his AC. He's installed the newest security and locking system.

We attended the boxing matches last night, and included was a righteous chick fight. These girls turned it on from bell to bell without letting up. Notice the picture is blurry. That's how fast they were moving. That, or the beer I was drinking affected my photography prowess.

Naw, they were moving fast.

Token photo from the dude fight. Nobody really wants to see it anyway, so we'll move on.

For Sale: One slightly used Sprint PocketPC. All documentation, charging base, original box included. It was only driven to church on Sundays. If you'd like to buy it, email me.

For anyone who'd like to follow along...

Here's our baby's website.

It's weird. I have an 18 year old daughter who I adore and have thoroughly enjoyed raising... and until a year or so ago, had decided I was finished with children. Honestly, it only took finding someone like Emily to change my mind. Not that she lobbied to change it, but the idea of being a parent with such an amazing person just blew my mind. Not to be sappy, but we connect on a level I've never reached with another person before.

So we decided it was time.

Now, I am in preparation mode. I'm getting my office remodeled and in order. We're getting the garage and baby's room cleaned out, things put into storage and our lives generally organized. It's really fun! I needed this renewed energy and direction right now. It has motivated me both personally and professionally.

Life is pretty sweet!

No words necessary... we're ecstatic!

Comment-airy

Barry Bombs is one HR away from tying Hank's home-run total. He will then set a new record, I'm sure.

So f-in' what?

Barry Bonds is a cheat. So was Mark McGwire and a litany of other players who "juiced." (or currently juice) This is a non-event, and the more press it gets, the more troubled I get.

I think he should be recognized with a standing ovation when it happens (in the event he really DID set the record honorably and honestly) and that's it. He deserves no more, no less.

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"Aquafina... from some of the finest bathtub spigots in Milwaukee!" (How do you like my new slogan idea?)

It was revealed this week that Pepsi has been selling customers bottled water from "public water sources."

Shocking!

Americans, being the gullible bunch we are, believe water from a plastic bottle is better, cleaner, healthier... than that which is consumed from the tap. Common sense (and countless and constant health department tests) would indicate we're really, really stupid for believing that.

We bitch about $2.67 per gallon gas (my neighborhood price today) but we'll fork over 20 bucks a gallon for Fiji water because it has a fancy-shmancy square bottle and a picture of a mountain on the front.

When I leave the coffee shop this morning, I will go to QT. I will purchase a large bottle of Fiji. I will pour it down the sink and replace it with tap water. I will drink that tap water from the Fiji bottle. I will repeat that process over and over until the bottle wears out. I will look cool, rich and smart.

Which is the real reason Americans buy bottled water.

Want a sip?

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We're selling $20 billion in advanced weaponry to the Saudis?

STFU. You gotta be kidding me.

We never, ever learn. Ever. Stupidest, most forgetful people on Earth. Instead of making major moves to curb dependence on oil, we continue to coddle these backward MFs and dragging our feet on nuclear energy and the research of alternatives.

Nero fiddles while Rome burns.

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It's studio remodel time, so I'm headed to Home Depot to buy a door, a lighting fixture, some paint and all that junk. I'll take photos.

MySpice

For people who can't or won't pay for dating or singles sites, MySpace has been a free alternative for finding some lovin'. You can search by age, sex, location, interests... and then contact that person via private message to see if they're interested. A friend of mine who has a site on MySpace received multiple inquiries, including one couple who wanted to meet her for a threesome. Nice.

Brad Paisley has a song out right now called "Online." It's some funny shit!

I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I'm 5 foot 3 and overweight
I'm a scifi fanatic
A mild asthmatic
And I've never been to second base

But there's whole 'nother me
That you need to see
Go checkout MySpace
'Cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell them I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I'm so much cooler online

The average profile on MySpace tells me many of its inhabitants are young people who use the site to satisfy their alter-ego or position themselves in sexual or suggestive terms. Adults tend to gravitate toward places like Blogger and Typepad, although those services have their share of kids, which means deviants will follow.

The difference is, unless you publish your email address on your Blogger site (which I do) there is no vehicle to contact the author. It's not condusive to the meat-market scene or being a predator's playground. I've never received email from someone asking for a threesome... although maybe that's because they saw my profile picture. ;)

Now it's been divulged that MySpace had to delete 29,000 sites from its system because those people were known sexual predators. And those were just the ones who chose to use their real names.

It's too bad, really. MySpace was a great concept. It's just that too many people use it to get laid or prey on kids. Like restaurants or nightclubs, they are defined by their customer base. It is what it is.

Showering is for sissies

We just returned from the annual camp-out and float trip with about 30 friends, and you just don't realize how much of a panty waist you are until you live outside with only a 5x5 tent, jerky and a fishing pole to get you by.

Of course that wasn't our situation. Sure we had jerky, but also KFC chicken tenders, packs of delicious crab meat, wine and cheese, jello shots, a huge portable CD player with sub-woofer, pre-prepared foil packs of roasted chicken with veggies and a rechargeable tent ceiling fan. Shit, tents don't even have ceilings.

Yet despite all of those "not-a-real-camper" comforts, do you know the one thing that made me a real camper last weekend? I didn't shower. In FOUR DAYS. Not even once.

I was in the river a lot, we swam, floated and waded. But I never bathed in the traditional sense, which makes me a f*ckin'-A camper. I didn't even need mosquito repellant.

Here's a photo of my Hummer, packed with the camping supplies of two couples. If you had tried to pull the wrong piece out at the wrong time, there would have been a deadly explosion of camping supplies, vodka and tent material. You may also find pieces of a pink flamingo as well... hey, even on the road your yard needs to look kitchy. If you look closely in the upper left corner, there's a black bag... thank goodness we had space enough for our deluxe queen-size air mattress with 600 thread count sheets.* Camping just isn't the same without the necessities.

A picture of Violet and me. We may or may not have been in a state of insobriety. Notice the messages on the shirts... yeah, we're just that good.

So let me ask you... if you bring pre-cooked food and have access to showers and buffet food, is it really camping? That was the subject of the great debate around the campfire. (which we lit with a bag of lighter-fluid-soaked charcoal briquets) We are most definitely NOT camping purists. Are you?

The quote of the week was courtesy of camper Bill. When told there was extra ice if he needed any for his cooler, his response was "is it still frozen?" Here's your sign.

Disclaimer: the mattress sucks and the sheet thread-count is only like 150... but that stuff doesn't sound funny at all.

You can take the kid out of the hood...

Michael Vick is a jagoff.

He's also the Atlanta Falcon's star quarterback. He's also up dog-shit creek.

Read the story - it'll make you feel like puking, especially if you're a dog lover.

Throw the book at him. Put him in prison, where he belongs... he's a scumbag.

A blog's worth

We're back from our weekend whirlwind trip, and I owe thanks to friends Dave, Trish and their kids... and Russ and Shelly for making it great.

We're back at it for now, but Thursday we leave for our annual camp and float trip on the Huzzah river! We'll be gone Thursday through Sunday. When we return Sunday, it'll take most of the afternoon to check for ticks.

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Lately I've been off and on with blogging, although I don't have an adequate excuse. But today, I was reminded that my blog is an important and worthy spot on the net.

Back in 2005, I lost a dear friend, and wrote about it on these pages. I used what words I could find at the time to fashion something of a tribute/obituary for her... and today as someone was searching the net to find their old friend Adrianne... they learned of her death here. They posted a comment honoring her, a full 2 1/2 years after her passing. (Thanks for visiting, Alex. I'm happy to read your words of remembrance)

I conducted my own search and found that mine is the only outpost on the net which honors her life, or marks her death. Even today, there are people just getting the news... and if my blog serves no larger a purpose, I will be content.

And now, dudes jumping on trampolines!

Ever see The Man Show? It ended every week with "girls jumping on trampolines." I don't need to explain the virtues to you.

I jumped on a trampoline for the first time in 20 years today. More like 30 years. I was a kid in Los Angeles at the time, and the arcade next door to my mom's job had trampolines, and it cost 25 cents to jump for 15 minutes. I probably spent a dollar a day jumping.

Now that I think about it, I was 10 years old, so it's only been 23 years. ;)

And you know what? I wouldn't have gotten on the goddamn thing if I had remembered how much work it was.

We're in Youngstown, Ohio today with my friend Dave Steele. He's feeding us beef. I know that sounds dirty, but it's true... we bought an entire tenderloin at Sam's today and it's sizzling away on the grill right now. Lucky you, I have my camera.

You know you want some.


That's Dave, The Grillmaster. He's a prick and sometimes kind of feminine but he's OK.

Tomorrow, it's on to Dayton, Ohio to spend time with our friends Russ and Shelly. They have a pool. Emily has her bikini. You'll check back tomorrow, won't you?

iPhone Confessions

Over at smays.com, my friend Steve is doing a series of interviews with people who have taken the early leap of faith with an iPhone.

Steve is one of the most web savvy people I know. He has a clear view of the future of the internet and how it will evolve in the next 10 to 20 years. He's a Mac guy... and the iPhone is my first foray into the world of the Mac.

We sat and chatted, on my iPhone, about my iPhone, over a cup of coffee yesterday morning. To hear the results, go here.

www.smays.com is one of my multi-stop daily fixes.

Techies will enjoy this

Sent by a friend, it sounds like some kinds of software I've used...

Desperately seeking technical support!

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0, this time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 in the background, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an undocumented feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented.'

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancée 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice...

A 19 million dollar bowl

NASA must be high.

First, I remind you that the original budget for the international station was somewhere in the vicinity of 8 or 10 billion dollars. We are now at 100 BILLION. Eleven zeros. (more zeros than a St. Louis Cardinals scoreboard)

And NASA has just purchased a 19 million dollar toilet from the Russians.

Remember the story about how NASA spent millions researching a pen that could write in zero gravity, while the Russians just used a pencil? Apparently the Russians heard it too, and decided to grab part of the money NASA is throwing around like drunken ... sailors. I wish I could come up with a better metaphor, but I fear NASA will soon become the metaphor.

A 19 million dollar toilet. That certainly trumps the $700 pentagon toilet seat or the $1000 lag bolt. As I write my monthly check to the IRS, I find myself less and less tolerant of stories like these. Do you have any idea how much beer and pay-per-view I could be buying?

I've never seen a more disorganized, inefficient and corrupt organization than the US government. Maybe it's time to put the whole of Washington DC into their fancy new Russian toilet and give it a flush.

Naw. Then we'd have to pay a plumber 10 million to unclog it.

Brush with greatness (and by greatness, I mean child molester)

A few months ago, and in a state of insobriety, Emily and Paula purchased 4 season tickets to the Muny outdoor theater at Forest Park. (note to self: do not relinquish credit cards to intoxicated women)

Last night we attended the Muny's production of Grease. Eh. It was okay. The lead actress (the part of Sandra Dumbrowski) was vocally a little weak. Otherwise, it was pretty decent.

While dining at Jimmy's on the Park prior to the play, I snapped this picture* of Paula.

Not that she's not picturesque, but I was actually taking the photo so I could share this inset with you.


Dude is totally Woody Allen. Minus the perversion and filmmaking genius. Subtract 25 years and add a foot onto his height, and he's a dead ringer.

I got to wondering if people actually TRY to look like celebrities, or if it's just the fact that there are only so many face types.

I've been told I look exactly like Brad Pitt.**



*Pictures taken with my new iPhone - great quality for a PDA, right?

**Maybe they said I looked like a friend of Brad Pitt. Either way.

Scotch and bacon*

Sometimes a song just hits the spot. I had dinner with great friends tonight, then came home and poured a scotch and turned on iTunes.

This particular song has been recorded by everyone from Sinatra to Bryan Ferry. The version I'm listening to now is from Frankie Laine's "Torchin'" CD. As a still-fairly-young guy, I find myself wishing there were more songs being written today that hold as much meaning.

A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumblin' words that told you what my heart meant
A fairground's painted swings
These foolish things remind me of you

You came, you saw, you conquered me
When you did that to me
I knew somehow this had to be

The winds of March that make my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings but who's to answer?
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things remind me of you

How strange, how sweet, to find you still
These things are dear to me
They seem to bring you so near to me

The sigh of midnight trains in empty stations
Silk stockings thrown aside, dance invitations
Oh how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you.

*Emily can always tell if I've had a drink or two because I have a habit of microwaving two strips of bacon as a bedtime snack. Don't judge.

MiPhone

I know you'll be shocked, but I did it.

I stood in line for about an hour yesterday to get the new Apple iPhone. Yes, me. In line. I've never stood in line for anything, and yet I succumbed to the intense hype. The siren called out to me. All that shit.

Talk about a geek-fest. There were 30 people in line with me at the O'Fallon MO AT&T store, and I was #29. When I arrived, the sales guy looked at me with a sort of "I'm waiting for you to ask me about the iPhone" look on his face. So of course I indulged him.

"How many phones do you have, and am I too late?" It was 5:55 pm, a full FIVE MINUTES before the doors opened. He gave me this little wink that was simultaneously geeky and cocky... and one of those dorky tongue clicks. The only thing missing was the finger-as-pistol "Shooter McGee" motion. He fished around in his pocket. This was his moment to shine!

"Here ya go." He handed me a voucher that guaranteed me the right to purchase a phone. A little quiver passed through my body... much the same feeling as when you find out your application for auto financing has been approved.

And I've paid less for a car.

I bought a 4 gig model and so far I'm elated. Overall, the network's speed is more than compensated for by the incredible functionality of the phone. The email, voice mail and usability of Safari, the internet interface all seem unparalleled. The screen is bright, easy to navigate and the calls are clear. I've been on Cingular for a long time, and at least in this area, it has the most reliable coverage of all the cell companies.

When I plugged the unit into my laptop, (a PC-*gasp!*)it synched easily with iTunes, went online automatically, and in about 5 screens I had transferred my service from my old cell to the iPhone. Seamlessly, the new phone took over. It synched all my contacts from Outlook, my calendar entries and the photos and music I had decided to add to the iPhone.

It also automatically added all my email accounts to the iPhone. The email automatically downloads to the phone and alerts me when I have new messages. The voicemail interface is great - it actually lists all your messages, who they're from, and each has a play button you can click to listen on speaker. No more dialing into the network and navigating the BS menus.

The unit is also an iPod, although that function won't be very important to me.

I really do believe this phone is a groundbreaking new tool, with the amazing animated graphic interface, its versatility (some of which I'm not even aware of yet) and functionality. (more of which I'm not yet aware) On my home wi-fi network, it flies. On the Cingular network, it's a bit slow. They guaranteed me they are working on getting better speed out of their system.

I now have a Sprint Pocket PC 6700 for sale. If you're interested (and haven't succumbed to the alure of the iPhone) let me know. I'll make you a hell of a deal. It comes with a 1 gig data card.

I'll keep you updated on how MiPhone performs.

Oh. This is my last hurrah. I'm finished buying high tech stuff for a while. ;)


EDIT: I just realized I've used my phone for several days, yet never opened the instruction book. This thing is extremely intuitive.

In search of a firm stool

I don't generally discuss poop but I'll be honest - when they say "don't drink the water," believe it.

I'm freshly back from Mexico and I can honestly report that if you're planning to visit the Grand Palladium in Playa del Carmen... do plenty of research. We walked 3 to 6 miles a day just getting from our room to the buffet, beach, pools, watersports, restaurants and bars. They have a train-type shuttle running between the lobbies of the four different resorts, but they were usually full and ran only every 20 to 30 minutes. For us, it was way too big. My feet still feel like hamburger because flip-flops aren't meant for freakin' l-o-n-g hikes.

But we had a great time anyway. Smoked some Cubans, ate some local food, and popped Immodium like candy.

We traveled with seven other people ranging from a doctor to an English guy to a hawk-eared teacher. Some of the quotes from the trip:

"Yoouu carrrr-(burp)-rrry my f*#king shoooes." - Dr. Mike, in the midst of a mean-ass tequila drunk that it took seventeen hours to sleep off, to his wife who was trying to corral his ass and get him to bed. He missed dinner and maybe drank 3 more drinks the entire week.

"Aye, aye, aye..." - Head down on the table, Ada, the Brit Hooligan Englishman, on the evening of the same drunk as Dr. Mike. One of the three guys who got completely shit-faced, he was the only one to regurgitate vomit puke his guts up in the Asian restaurant powder room.

"Don't eat the fish." - Ada's advice to a guy who walked into said powder room during said puking. I'm pretty sure the guy left the restaurant immediately.

"Eep, opp, ork, ah ah" - The stupid Jetson's phrase that got stuck in our head at the adult pool one day. I guess all the nekkid boobies weren't enough to occupy us.

"I always cut the netting out of my slacks." - Dr. Mike... by "netting," he means the mesh found in the lining of swimming trunks, and by "slacks," he means "I'm drunk when I'm saying this."

"If you're planning on doing only one excursion while you're in Mexico, you should take the trip to the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza." - the Apple agent in the hotel lobby, helping us decide which activities we were planning to enjoy while on our trip.

"Why the hell should I take a trip to chicken pizza?" - Mike Cornett, right after the Apple guy did his schpiel.

"Hey, they put more pool in the water." - Diana Cornett, self explanatory.

"My cammmerra gott stollllllenn." - Uncle Mikey, who completed the trio of drunkards on the fateful day when he got back to his room minus his cammmerra. He forgot he had given it to Diana for safe keeping.

"Y'all are gonna have the shits." - Emily, through the window to people seated in the Brazilian restaurant 24 hours after our trip to same.

"Something back here smells like cheese." - Paula Williams, just seconds before somebody discovered that someone had shit on the floor in the aisle behind us on the bus. I kid you not. Apparently, that person had also been to the Brazilian restaurant.

"These freakin' Mexicans." - The bus driver talking to us immediately after cleaning up said shit. Funny part, he was totally a Mexican.

"What do you think, Emily?" - Everyone, when trying to decide what to do that day. My significant other became the point person of the trip, doing the bitching, breaking ties, and making decisions on behalf of the rest of the group. Her innate ability to control children in her classroom came in handy all week.

To those who went on the trip - if you can think of other quotes, please post them in the comment area.

We had a great time... but again, long story short - don't drink the water.

Or go to the Brazilian restaurant.

Autoreply: Out of the office

At this time, I'm sipping a drink with an umbrella in it. I'm sitting on sand. I'm seeing blue. I'm with friends. I'm with my baby.

There is this incredible feeling of peace that has come over me. I'm not worried about anything right now... except that Em's smiling, and if I brought enough shorts.

No shirt, no shoes, no problems. See you on the 28th.

For fun it's a wonderful toy

Emily brought me a gift yesterday from her toy stash at her Mom's house.



I can't put it down. I am actually conducting slinky stress tests, doing slinky acrobatics, doing the ear-to-mouth slinky phone, and a few other things I can't go into right now.

Remember the slinky smell? The noise it makes? How it walks down the stairs? It's almost like I'm reliving my childhood.

Hanging

The Sopranos ended their reign last night and it was quite climactic.

Except for the part about having a climax.

Although there were a million indications of what Tony's final fate might be, (mysterious guy in the diner, AJ's strange final twists, Paulie's weirdness, the flirting with the FBI, the likelihood of an indictment ahead) ultimately the viewers were left to draw their own conclusions.

Honestly, I needed closure. In my opinion, the guy who had kept viewers on their heels for eight years needed to commit to an ending - a real "WTF?!?!?!"

And I suppose he did... but not in the way I anticipated. We were left to provide our own final puzzle piece. In the words of the Journey song that was playing in the final scene, "the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on..."

Pretty ingenius, I guess. He left us with one final wince.

-----

My high school reunion was mostly exactly as I thought it would be. Violet and I had a great time, we saw a lot of old friends, and discovered that a couple of them had moved to our area.

I got the chance to visit face to face with Blogarita for the first time in forever... it was great to catch up a little, although there was very little time for genuine reminiscing.

Actually, that's one thing I did very little of that night. I never once uttered the words "remember that time..." I figure the best memories have yet to be made.

As I sit here trying to think of more to write about the event, I realize I have nothing else to say. It was fun, as high school reunions go.

-----

I have an issue with zipping my pants. Well, actually REzipping.

For whatever reason, if I undo everything and retuck my shirt or whatever, I sometimes forget to cinch things back up. Why do I forget to reinterdigitate my fly?

And why do we call it a "fly?"

It's a good thing I don't do commando.

Anyway, if you see me with the "barn door" open, quietly tell me. Then I'll ask you to kindly stop staring at my crotch.

Bezball been beddy beddy good to me

We went to the Cardinals/Angels game last night, an affair which we lost 9-6, but before which we tailgated mightily... as shown below.

Diana & Mike (the Cornetts) and Emily are caught in a natural, non-pose moment. They had no idea I was snapping this picture.

In this picture, we're sitting on the sidewalk in front of the new stadium. Behind us, some of St. Louis' natural fauna - weeds that are actually growing out of the cracks in the sidewalk.

Ah, memories of tailgating in years past. I was watering a bush during the 2005 season when Dr. Mike caught me in a candid moment. Bastard.

And now, we're piling in the car to head to Warsaw for my 25th HS class reunion. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and catching up. I told Emily she can go with me to my reunion, but I won't be going to hers. I can hear it now: "Hey, who's the old guy?"

Have a great weekend!

Memememememeeeee!

Borrowed from Blogarita, I've decided to complete a meme. Why? I got nothin' else.

Elaborate on your avatar.

Um, it's a picture. Of me.

What’s your current relationship status?

I cohabitate with a most lovely person, Violet. She loves me in spite of my many faults.

Ever have a near-death experience?

I've been married THREE times. So, of course I have.

What’s the name of the song that’s stuck in your head right now?

How did you know a song was stuck in my head? Eleanor Rigby. Got no idea why.

Name a celebrity you would marry.

As I've stated, I think I've been married plenty, thanks. I suppose the question really means what celebrity would you bed down. None. Okay, maybe Lisa Kudrow because she reminds me of Emily. (how's THAT for a PC answer??)

Who will cut and paste this meme first?

Maybe Dr. Mike because he wants to be just like me in every way. No wait, he never blogs anymore. Eh, prolly nobody. And I don't mean Nobody, I mean nobody.

Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?

Yeah, somebody once said I vaguely resemble John Travolta. Someone else said Tim Robbins, which I can actually see (sans the blue eyes and advanced grey hair)

Do you wear a watch? What kind?

Funny you should ask. I am a watch collector. I know blogarita says they are obsolete, but I've always worn one. If I forget to put one on before I leave the house, I've actually been known to stop and buy one.

Anyway, I have about 10 watches, a couple of them pocket watches. Most of them are Citizen watches, one is a Seiko, and one is a collector's item Breitling, which is one of only 1000 like it in the world. How can you say watches are obsolete??? ;)

Edit: one of my favorite things to do with watches was from Robert Fulghum in one of his many books: remove all hands except the second hand. You never really know what time it is... you just know that it never stops moving and you should be making the best of it.

Do you have anything pierced?

Not intentionally.

Do you have any tattoos?

Not intentionally. There was that branding iron incident one night at the Yellow Rose country bar.

Do you like pain?

There are certain types of pain that are somewhat (strangely) appealing, such as the "pain" of a deep tissue massage. I am not a masochist, but I understand. (much the same way I'm not a murderer, but if you caught your spouse in bed with someone and killed that person, I understand) (Wow, that was pretty tangential)

Do you like to shop?

Oddly enough, I don't mind it. I can spend 10 hours in Sam's, Home Depot or Williams Sonoma. (I love kitchen stuff)

What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

Um. Beer.

What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card?

I'm always putting meals on my American Express card, which isn't really a credit card since you pay it off every month. I am in card-payoff-mode, so I'm not charging much these days.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

Dr. Mike. I'm pretty sure it was one of our "usual" conversations, during which we do one of the following: make fun of somebody, discuss our next big scheme to make money, or figure out who's bringing the beer we'll drink on his patio.

What is on your desktop background?

On this computer, starfish under water. I have seven computers though... which is another story altogether. (I have a thing about buying computers - I have three laptops. Whenever a new model comes out, I have to have it. I admit it is a sickness) Violet has two computers, a laptop and a desktop. That makes NINE computers in the house. I got all KINDS of backgrounds!

What is the background on your cell phone?

Whatever it was when I bought it.

What was the last movie you watched?

Night at the Museum. Violet and I both gave it about 3 out of 5 stars. Kid flick. Plus, any movie where Dick Van Dyke plays a villain... automatically gets bumped down a star.

What was the last book you read?

Strangely enough, the last book I FINISHED was E=MC2 - A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation. Before that, it was Sagan's Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors. Yep, I'm a geek reader.

You can feel free to propogate this meme to your own blog if you wish, or pick one of them to answer via comment here. I hope that by reading mine, you have more of an insight into what makes me tick. But prolly not.

Petrodiculous

Although the prices are coming down somewhat, I wanted to post a few pics/editorial cartoons on my blog to remind me of how expensive the summer of 2007 was. Enjoy!

Consumed

If life weren't busy enough lately, I am now consumed with the final few episodes of The Sopranos.

Never has there been a more vivid, guilty pleasure in television. I hate the way I love it. Tony Soprano is the guy every man wants to be for just a moment, minus the danger of bullets and the void of morals. You root for him and feel guilty for it.

Like a moth to a flame, there is an appeal to the danger of "the family." They are bumbling idiots at times, wildly dangerous killers at others, but in an odd way, the show is a metaphor for many aspects of life...

The next-to-last episode was filled with symbolic metaphor. The Sopranos was famous for that, but this week each scene was rife with deeper meaning. Fantastic writing. I was disappointed with the way Tony's history with Dr. Melfi ended, but even that is symbolic, in a way. It ended clumsily, as will Tony's life, probably.

I am certain I won't be the only one to miss them. Regardless of the final outcome, June 10th will be a bittersweet day.