How they blew how I met your mother

I've heard a veritable cornucopia of reasons viewers were offended by the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. The mother didn't get enough screen time to get to know her. The last season drug out too long. If you were a regular viewer, you have an opinion. Some thought it was perfect. I did not.

But I was offended by something entirely different that most people overlooked. Throughout the series, the story was narrated by Bob Saget, because they felt he had a voice that would sound a lot like Ted-of-the-future. Good call, no problem, it makes perfect sense. Most voices change as they age, and there's no way to get around that.

So when the final scene arrived, and it was Ted talking directly to his kids in the same room, it wasn't Bob Saget's voice, it was Josh Radnor's. WTH?

Bullshit! I mean, c'mon. The entire life of the show, Ted has been this slightly huskier, older-sounding guy, telling his kids the story of meeting their mother. Now, at the end, they couldn't think of a way to bring it all together? This is nine years of my life here. I needed something different. Dub the voice. Wear a mask. Something.

I'm not happy. As a voice over guy, I'm just pissed, and there's nothing you can say to make it better. Oh, what's that? Modern Family is coming on soon? Never mind, later gators.

Letterman, Colbert, and Col-BEAR

The Letterman era will soon come to a close, and nobody loved that period of late night brilliance
as much as me.

In the 1980's, I recorded Letterman's show every night, then dubbed the sweetest material onto a 'best of' tape I would later use, as needed, for inspiration. There was nobody like Letterman. He was fresh, edgy, and irreverent. People loved him, people hated him, and most didn't understand that those emotions are pretty much the same. Letterman elicited passion from his audience.

For those of us who love the Letterman of the 80's and 90's, the Late Show with David Letterman is kind of sad to watch today. After 32 years, and at age 67, I'm sure Dave is tapped for ideas and getting tired, but most of his interviews show it. He has had some amazing moments, but you don't see them as often today. He's doing the right thing. Late night television is transitioning to a fresh, young crop of entertainers, and Dave isn't motivated to compete with "the Jimmies", Seth and Conan.

But what a run. I'm sure Dave never thought he'd be as legendary as Johnny Carson, but he is. The Letterman era managed to move the goal posts. It will be difficult to beat, but that's the good part, nobody has to. Like Johnny Carson, nobody will fill the shoes of Letterman. It simply cannot be done.

Stephen Colbert will move into Mr. Letterman's Ed Sullivan Theater (I assume), and will bring a new dynamic to the show. It would be tempting to maintain his right-wing character persona, since his audience has become comfortable with it, but we must remember who Colbert really is. He's not the Bill O'Reilly wanna-be he portrays on The Colbert Report. (He refers to O'Reilly as "Papa Bear".) It's a shtick, a caricature of itself. Colbert is a real guy, a fantastic talent, an incredibly creative comedian, and a very good interviewer. His show will need to follow a more traditional late-night formula, and to me, that's precisely why it doesn't have to end.

As Carson did with Carnac, and as Jimmy Fallon does with thank you notes, Colbert can keep his persona alive. On Late Show with Stephen Colbert, he can do The Colbert Report as its own segment. His monologue, interviews, other bits and performances can follow the more formulaic talk show modus operandi. But the Colbert Report needn't be lost. It can remain as funny and relevant as ever within its new format.

See? No need to fret. Colbert can still be Col-BEAR and do the re-PORE. You're welcome. Now come in from the ledge.

Signing off...

Today is the day that television technology we've known since the 1939 RCA broadcast from the New York World's Fair becomes obsolete, and is completely replaced by digital television.

The huge bandwidth-hogging, fire-breathing analog transmitters will be turned off for the last time, replaced by lower-powered, more precisely and narrowly tuned ones utilizing a completely different technology and broadcast band. The old band will now be taken over by wireless mobile telephones, etc.

My first memories of television were the commercials. As a toddler, I would mentally drift through the actual shows, but when the commercials came on, I'd sit down and attentively watch. Grayson does the same thing today.

The first big television event I remember watching was the moon landing in July 1969. My grandparents had the volume turned way up and we were all staring, mesmerized. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I think we've heard so much about this day, we've become desensitized to it. But what if someday, all radios just went "dark"... and only HD and satellite radio remained? Or, if gasoline powered vehicles just disappeared and we had to replace them with electric ones.

Goodbye snowy picture, see you later interference lines. No more rabbit ears with aluminum foil. Even though I've been completely digital for probably 9 or 10 years, it's still a bittersweet day.

Ten minutes of hilarious television

This proves Letterman is still the master, and Joaquin Phoenix is a total drug user.

The secret to longevity? Apparently hyperbole.

The Jack LaLaine Power Juicer infomercial somehow made it on my monitor in the studio this morning, and for a nanosecond I turned up the sound.

A perfectly healthy, beautiful woman came on and said "I couldn't live without my juicer."

Couldn't. Live.

He's saving lives with juice! Could I live without one? I can't imagine.

Too cool for the room?

Exactly what is this commercial about - an airline or a perfume?



This spot always makes me roll my eyes.

"In a world..."

Don LaFontaine has died.

He was the voice of about 5000 movie trailers, countless commercials, nearly all the big awards shows and was a hero of mine.

R. I. P. Don.

Here's his website. And here are a couple of videos you'll enjoy.

I'm a PC

Apple has been squelched in the UK for dishonest advertising. Apparently their characterization of iPhone's "full access" to the web has rubbed some Brits the wrong way, and they've taken their complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority.

I agree. As a business owner whose website is Flash-based, (therefore can't be viewed on the iPhone) I find it disingenuous. It's not cool to exclude plug-ins as important as Flash or Java and advertise your product as having full access.

My suggestion to Apple would be to bury the hatchet with Adobe and put the user first. If the iPhone is to be truly revolutionary, it needs to be able to do most of what a laptop can. Don't get me wrong, this phone is a real move in that direction, but there are other smartphones who do support Flash and CAN display my website.

I'm also disturbed by the vague manner in which Apple releases iPhone bug fixes. The description they provide for the software update is simply "bug fixes." At a time when your product fails to function as promised and is portrayed negatively in the headlines daily, it's time to be up-front about exactly which bugs are being fixed, and what kind of experience a user can expect with the new release.

The Mac vs. PC commercials are also a little puzzling to me. I've considered getting a Mac on several occasions and I'm closer now than ever to taking the plunge. But I don't understand the portrayal of Vista as being prone to crashing... I am pretty sure I have never experienced a Vista crash, and I'm a heavy user. It may be a resource hog, and like previous Windows releases, people may not have immediately adjusted to it, but it works fine for me.

It's incumbent upon a company to portray its product in as positive a light as possible and to demonstrate superiority over its competitors. It's also incumbent upon them to be honest and open. I think Apple is pushing it a little.

The iPhone has an opportunity to be the revolutionary tool it's being touted as, and I'm confident Apple will fix the issues and provide a very fulfilling experience for its customers.

By the way, I've had more than a few dropped calls on my new iPhone... and I'd really love to be able to open my company's website.

Mad Men

There is something beguiling about this AMC television series.

I set our Tivo to record it after hearing enough hubbub to peak my interest. I LOVED what I saw and like any good series, it made me want to watch all episodes from the pilot forward.

If you haven't seen it, the show is set in the dawn of the 60's at an advertising agency called Sterling Cooper. This appeals to me for a number of reasons... I was born only a few years later, and I'm in the advertising business. The series is only kind of about advertising, though, with the plot focused mostly on the lives of the characters.

Its period accuracy feels a little stereotypical, sort of like it's been filtered by our optimized memories and the movie Pillow Talk... but that is part of the appeal, and exactly what the producers were shooting for. Everything from clothing to family structure (bread-winning father, stay-at-home wife, well-behaved children) is staged perfectly to make the show sort of feel like a caricature of itself. (a la Sopranos, and not surprising since writer Matthew Weiner is a Sopranos alum)

The characters possess zero realization that the world in which they are cozy is about to change dramatically. With the Kennedy era on the horizon, the cold war shifting into high gear and Woodstock and hallucinogens lurking in the not-too-distant future, it makes the 20/20 hindsight of the viewer feel even more delicious. The entire country is on a precipice... and nobody knows.

Back in the early 60's men were men, kids were less dependent on television and did better in school, and life seemed easier. Unfortunately women were relegated to mostly support jobs and housewivery, and lots of molds were yet to be broken. Both the positive and negative social aspects are accurately portrayed and sometimes accentuated for effect.

I really look forward to Sunday nights, much the same way I did during the run of The Sopranos. 9 pm central, AMC.

Just as I feared...

Violet is an Olympics watcher. Actually I don't mind so much, it's kind of interesting.

But beach volleyball? Really?

I understand the fascination with Misty May... but c'mon.

And whatever happened to the discus? This is something I can relate to, considering I'm an ace frisbee thrower. It's the same thing, right?*

Why not billiards? Darts? Bowling? (and subsequently, the pitcher-beer-slam.)

Beer pong? Quarters? Hello? Let's make this fun.

Scrabble? I could totally kick some ass. Gold medal for Dave.






*I know, I know. Frisbee is to discus as snorkeling is to deep sea diving.

New stock footage, maybe?

MSNBC ran a piece this morning about a study that concluded cell phone usage does cause cancer. Concern for that study's findings notwithstanding, couldn't MSNBC find better cell phone 'B roll' than this?

Kid Nation

Reality television scores another huge victory, as CBS (Children Being Screwed) wraps up taping of what I'm sure will be a highly viewed reality series, "Kid Nation."

Synopsis of the show: Forty children between the ages of 8 and 15 are dropped off in an abandoned New Mexico desert town and left to fend for themselves without adult intervention (except of course for the grown-up camera crews poised to capture all the action.)

The network is taking alot of heat about the concept of the show, and rightly so. But why would I be particularly harsh on the network? Oh sure, they dreamed up the idea, had their attorneys draw up the 22-page non-disclosure and indemnification agreement (which also absolves the network of responsibility in the event of injuries - the attorneys even thought to include sexually transmitted diseases) and taped the whole thing, but c'mon. It's really the PARENTS WHO AGREE TO ALLOW THEIR CHILDREN TO PARTICIPATE that I take issue with.

So a closed circuit message to those people:

You are stupid. You allow a television network to take your child out of school and put them in a "town" without you (and with minimal adult supervision) and let them fend for themselves.

Then, when something does happen (and who couldn't predict that???) you bitch to the media that your child was injured. Hey "mom and dad," you knew the risks, but for a little fame and five grand, you were willing to risk it.

You, the parents of the children who "star" in Kid Nation, are witless, and should be stripped of your parenting license. (if there were such a thing, and don't you wish there were)

It's more than just this one show. And it isn't the kids, but the parents, who are responsible for the popularity of shows like this, or networks like MTV (M T&A). They allow their kids to do whatever they want. To run amok. Watch whatever, do whatever... hey, they need to learn to express themselves, they need the freedom to make their own way and be who they are.

You are the same parents who allow their children to scream at the top of their lungs, run from table to table in restaurants, throw fits when they don't get their way and hit or yell at you in disrespect. They are spoiled, loud, narcissistic meglomaniacs.

And you know what, people? You get what you deserve. If you allow your child to participate in a TV show, get burned by a grease fire, sunburned until scarring takes place or catch an STD, it's all on you.

And hey CBS... anything for money, right?

Wilt thou?

Over 100-degree highs for the forseeable future. Oh, sure - they say by next Thursday we may dip down into the low 90's, but weather guys are about as reliable as coal mine operators.

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On the weekend schedule, we're headed to a St. Louis Cardinals game tomorrow, where game-time temperatures will be around 100 and humidity will make it feel like 110. If our seats are in the sun, we might just head down the street to Mike Shannon's restaurant, sit at the bar and watch the game in high def. Three or four dirty martinis with bleu cheese olives will make me think I'm still at the game.

Plus, they are about the same price as a small beer at the ball park. I'd make that trade all day, every day!

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I love painting. And when I say "love," I'm really saying "never ending hate." This Sunday I will be painting my office. That is, if the searing pain in my lower back subsides.

I can lift 50 pound bags of potting soil, dog food or whatever all day, then lean over to pick up a sandwich and be out of commission for a friggin' week. Back problems are a recurring thing for me... much like marriage, only less expensive and I don't end up hating my back and thinking of ways to exact revenge upon it.

Oddly enough, I originally injured my back loading my stereo up when I got divorced the first time. I find that kind of funny!

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Irony: Writing your final child support check on July 19, and finding out you are having a new baby exactly one week later.

My favorite thing in life is being a father. I've gotten more satisfaction and enjoyment from it than everything else in my life combined. I can't wait for April 6th!

But it's still ironic.

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Tivo is an amazing tool. It has done more for television than anything else I can think of for the past 30 years. We are definitely a Tivo household... we have four. Tivo is my crack.

Do you have Tivo? If so, do you ever find yourself catching a glimpse of a chick in a bikini as you fast-forward through a commercial break, then actually scan back through the commercials to get a look?

Yeah, me neither.

Hanging

The Sopranos ended their reign last night and it was quite climactic.

Except for the part about having a climax.

Although there were a million indications of what Tony's final fate might be, (mysterious guy in the diner, AJ's strange final twists, Paulie's weirdness, the flirting with the FBI, the likelihood of an indictment ahead) ultimately the viewers were left to draw their own conclusions.

Honestly, I needed closure. In my opinion, the guy who had kept viewers on their heels for eight years needed to commit to an ending - a real "WTF?!?!?!"

And I suppose he did... but not in the way I anticipated. We were left to provide our own final puzzle piece. In the words of the Journey song that was playing in the final scene, "the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on..."

Pretty ingenius, I guess. He left us with one final wince.

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My high school reunion was mostly exactly as I thought it would be. Violet and I had a great time, we saw a lot of old friends, and discovered that a couple of them had moved to our area.

I got the chance to visit face to face with Blogarita for the first time in forever... it was great to catch up a little, although there was very little time for genuine reminiscing.

Actually, that's one thing I did very little of that night. I never once uttered the words "remember that time..." I figure the best memories have yet to be made.

As I sit here trying to think of more to write about the event, I realize I have nothing else to say. It was fun, as high school reunions go.

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I have an issue with zipping my pants. Well, actually REzipping.

For whatever reason, if I undo everything and retuck my shirt or whatever, I sometimes forget to cinch things back up. Why do I forget to reinterdigitate my fly?

And why do we call it a "fly?"

It's a good thing I don't do commando.

Anyway, if you see me with the "barn door" open, quietly tell me. Then I'll ask you to kindly stop staring at my crotch.

Consumed

If life weren't busy enough lately, I am now consumed with the final few episodes of The Sopranos.

Never has there been a more vivid, guilty pleasure in television. I hate the way I love it. Tony Soprano is the guy every man wants to be for just a moment, minus the danger of bullets and the void of morals. You root for him and feel guilty for it.

Like a moth to a flame, there is an appeal to the danger of "the family." They are bumbling idiots at times, wildly dangerous killers at others, but in an odd way, the show is a metaphor for many aspects of life...

The next-to-last episode was filled with symbolic metaphor. The Sopranos was famous for that, but this week each scene was rife with deeper meaning. Fantastic writing. I was disappointed with the way Tony's history with Dr. Melfi ended, but even that is symbolic, in a way. It ended clumsily, as will Tony's life, probably.

I am certain I won't be the only one to miss them. Regardless of the final outcome, June 10th will be a bittersweet day.

Boo??

Screw YOO!!

I was pretty disappointed when the audience in Mexico made it personal and boo-ed Miss USA during the Miss Universe pageant last night. (by the way, when will the other "lesser" galaxies like Andromedia finally be represented?)

Memo to Mexico and anyone else who hates the US - go fug yourself.

While the US does enjoy world status as the only superpower, is the richest country per capita in the world and uses that status and weight to get a few extra perks... we've also earned the position in ways far too numerous to list here.

Let a flood, earthquake or famine hit your nation and see who is first to arrive and help. Let your enemy attack you and see whose boys show up with the world's most advanced and precise weapons to set things right. Let you be stricken by disease and see whose doctors (the best in the world) mobilize first to find a cure.

Check out who primarily funds nearly every charity, pays trillions in cash, goods and services to its allies around the world when they need it... and buys your plastic SHIT.

Hey Mexico... besides millions of illegal aliens, (who send billions in US currency back to you every year to support your asses) what else do you export to the US? That's right, billions of dollars worth of products, from furniture to electronics and beyond. If we, for even one day, stopped sending our money to you, it would be catastrophic.

Think about that for a minute.

Yes, I know all about the unpopularity of the war in Iraq. I know it sometimes seems like our president makes decisions with a Magic 8-Ball. I know that we've made some international blunders in the past 6 years.

While I'm at it, a message to the Iraqis - we're trying hard to get out of there. We know we screwed up, but our boys on the ground (who we are extremely proud of) are trying their best to set things right for you. When we leave, it's likely you are going to have to fight for freedom and democracy. Really, that's the only way it matters anyway... you gotta want it bad enough to fight.

So anyway. As for all of our shortcomings here in the United States... we know. Nobody's perfect. Everyone has ups and downs. This administration happens to be part of a down period. I hear ya.

Still. Screw you, Mexico... and everyone else in the world that fails to remember what the US has done for you. I grow tired of your selective amnesia.

And leave poor Miss USA alone! She didn't do anything to you.

Except kick your girl's ass.

"I don't want to be like him."

That's the excuse that Dr. Foreman is using for leaving his job at the hospital on House, M. D. Dr. House is too negative, skeptical and brash for him.

I can understand that. I used to be that kind of negative, skeptical person. Probably, there are friends who drifted away from me because of it. In some ways and at some times, I still have a little of that person in me... I've been through a lot in life. However, I make no excuses. I allowed myself to become that way.

But now I am making an effort to grow. I try to smile more, I try to be less skeptical, show my happiness more, and generally be more positive. And now it's me who is making an effort to get away from that negativity, skepticism and grizzle.

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As I'm writing this in the living room of a quiet house, after Emily has gone to bed, and with iTunes playing in the background, I realized... do songs get any more soulful or real than Easy by The Commodores? That piano, those lyrics, Richie's voice. Man, I love music.

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Saturday night is "date night" for Emily and me. We'll probably have sushi or a salad and wine, then head to the theater to see Shrek III. I've read the less-than-positive reviews, but I can't imagine it will be TOO bad. I'm really looking forward to it... mostly to be in a dark theater holding hands with my honey.

It's been a really good week, actually. Just the right amount of work, a few nights of socializing with great friends, and a topper of a weekend with perfect weather.

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Em's cell phone bill came in today. Over 400 bucks, and much of it was texting fees related to voting for American Idol!

She changed her package a couple of months ago, not realizing that the new one doesn't include texting fees. I know it's not funny to get a bill 4 times higher than you expect, but I had to laugh a little.

Being a chick with a hot voice, she was able to call and smooth talk the Cingular guy into splitting the diff with her. She said she didn't realize the new package excluded texting. He cut the bill by a pretty significant amount.

So now I'm thinking of doing that with this month's DirecTV pay-per-view porn bill.

My opinion on a few things. Trust me, you're dying to know.

Jeff Ruby has balls. He owns restaurants in Cincinnati, Belterra, Indiana and Louisville. So during the Kentucky Derby, another guy with HUGE balls, OJ Simpson, strolls into Ruby's restaurant in Louisville with a group of friends.

Ruby kicked Orenthal's ass out. Said he wasn't allowed in his restaurants because of his history, and what he put the Browns and Goldmans through.

So now, OJ's attorney is claiming it was racial. They're going after the guy's liquor license and trying to put him out of business.

I doubt it will happen, the guy will likely get HUGE support from everyone involved. I can't imagine he isn't completely flooded with positive email and phone calls. I'll bet he's gotten hundreds of interview requests.

Business is business. The guy did what he thought was right. He reserved the right to refuse service to anyone, and exercised that right.

So what did Yale Galanter, OJ's attorney, have to say about it? "He messed with the wrong man."

Sheesh, this attorney needs a publicist. You don't make a semi-threatening statement like that about someone like OJ. What an idiot.

Look, OJ... some free advice for you. When someone asks you to leave, just quietly leave. You got away with murder, my friend. You killed someone and walked. Count your blessings - and just quietly walk away.

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I just don't get the whole hullaballoo over the Queen's visit.

How much money have we spent on state dinners, ceremonies, parties and press conferences during her visit? Holy crap, I wish I could have 10 percent of it, I'd buy a nice little beach house and retire.

Government sure knows how to waste some goddamn money. Nothing against the Queen (she's a nice old lady) or England at all, I'm just sayin'...

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Look who's a bigot!

Shocking that Al Sharpton is back in the news, and this time he's on the receiving end of criticism for bigoted remarks he made during an interview about Mitt Romney.

Hey Al, sit down and shut up for a while. I think we're all kind of tired of hearing your voice.

Well, at least I am.

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So... it was LaKisha.


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Shake-up at HBO. Hey, this Albrecht guy has presided over a definite period of growth for what formerly was a "movie channel," and now has become the penultimate source for great television. Aside from House MD, American Idol, Boston Legal and a relatively few others... the best television is on HBO.

With only four more episodes of Sopranos, I must admit - I'm eager to see where they're going next. They do have a compelling lineup of new shows on the way, along with the ones I watch now, like Entourage, Real Time with Bill Maher, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Six Feet Under, etc.

It's hard to believe that in a month, The Sopranos will be toast. I hate the way I feel about that stupid show. It's violent, messy, ridiculous and it mocks me for loving it.

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My high school reunion is coming up in about a month. I'd like to at least seem like I've done something with my life for the past 25 years. Anyone have ideas for me?

I guess I could dress up like a "super agent cowboy astronaut millionaire" like Peter Griffin did at his high school reunion on Family Guy.

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Okay, the Sonata I took 30 minutes ago is now working. My head is spinny and sleepy, just like it's supposed to be. I was just now barely able to wolf down eighteen thin mints. I am nearly ready to report back to bed to finish my night's sleep. So WHY is it again that I can't sleep eight hours in a row lately?

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One more thing before I go, the Word-you-find-the-definition-for-here-but-use-later-and-sound-brilliant: Denouement. \day-noo-MAWN\, noun. It means the final resolution of the main complication of a literary or dramatic work.

Used in a sentence: "Denouement is a word I usedta didn't know but now I do because of Dave's incredible blog."

Always drink upstream from the herd.