... you live in a zoo...

So. Forty-five. Today I am halfway through the period most noted for middle-age crises, the onset of gout and a last-ditch effort to cling to your youth by having a child.

So far I am two for three.

Phrases like "young at heart" and "patriarch of the group" are starting to sting. I still look 40, I guess. But at somewhere near this age, you start aging in bursts. You'll look the same for three years, then age five all at once.

You start worrying that every little pain is a disease. That other people your age are making more money, enjoying more success and are more healthy than you. You begin realizing that your vision isn't QUITE as clear, your thought processes aren't QUITE as fast, and the idea that you will skydive or whitewater raft for a living fades a little further into the din. (Oh, don't worry, the hope is still there.)

A family member sent me an email this morning to excoriate me for forgetting to pay their satellite TV bill this month. The great news is, I can more believably attribute it to forgetfulness. The bad news is, they didn't even wish me "happy birthday." All the better I suppose. I DO hope to someday forget this date.

Here's hoping it blows through like a gentle breeze. As Lucy Larcom said, "Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come."

Yup. And I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on Earth.

Big Daddy Dave

You may choose to skip this entry, some of it might be boring. It's more or less a personal perspective of where I am right now, and where we're going as a family. More of journal entry, really.

Lightning Bug's Butt has called me Big Daddy Dave for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure why - maybe he had a premonition that I'd sire a child soon. ("sire a child" - I sound like a horse... although it would be "sire a colt" I guess) I regard the nickname as one of those oddities I can't explain.

It's weird how your goals and motivations change when you find out you're going to be a parent. Women tend to begin nesting pretty quickly - they start picking out clothes, furniture, cleaning the house, getting the baby's room organized, the warm-fuzzy stuff.

Men start thinking of ways to provide for the family. I've been on a kick to do some things I've been meaning to do for a while, such as updating my demo audio, getting my business matters organized, aggressively pursuing new business, etc. In just a week I've signed two new clients, and have another big one ready to go. Pretty exciting, considering all I needed to do was get off my lazy butt and DO it.

I had become complacent. I have more than enough business to pay our bills and support our lifestyle. But with a baby on the way, we have the future to worry about now. It's not enough to be OK today, we have to be OK for twenty more years. In just a few days and with some aggressive moves... my business grew five percent. In another month or two, I have no doubt I can hit twenty to thirty percent.

I remember when I was first building my business... it was sink or swim. I chose to swim, and it took hard work and long hours, but things worked out. That's what it feels like now... like I'm starting over from scratch with the renewed energy and enthusiasm I've lacked for a little while.

Dr. Mike has it right when he says this is the perfect time to be a father. He is also in his low 40's. He has Ella, who is one year old, and he and Paula are trying to have another. I agree with his philosophy - we are having kids when we can actually enjoy them. Not that Courtney (my 18 year old) didn't provide fulfillment, meaning and purpose to my life, but I made almost no money back then, worked 50 and 60 hours a week and had the patience of a 25-year-old.

Imagine how things will be different this time. I make twenty times the money, have tons more patience, and I work from home. I have a flexible schedule that will allow me to spend quality time with the baby, take him or her to the park, to school, to play dates, etc. The same with Emily. She's getting her PhD in psychology and will open a practice, which will eventually allow her to set her own hours and really be a parent.

I'm really looking forward to the whole thing. I was hesitant about having more children, and being the selfish bastard I am, was close to deciding against it. I'm glad we made the decision we did.

We had our first ultra-sound yesterday. We got 3-D pictures and saw the heart beating. What an amazing ride this is going to be!