Sunday, June 12, 2005

Well, dip my balls in cream...

... and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens, it's Sunday night... and you know what that means. Time for Dave's Random Musings:

1 - I want a microwave oven invented that, when you flip the wall plug upside down, cools food. Hey Amana, work it out.

2 - Coffee comes in a tin can for one reason - when it's empty, Grandma has a place to put her bacon grease.

3 - My pool guy told me the other day that for the chemical balance of a pool, it's actually a good idea to pee in it now and then. I quickly learned that, for the neighbor's sake, it's best to actually get INTO the pool... or wait until nightfall.

4 - I have discovered that when your package touches cold water, it causes "shrinkage." However, the converse act of squatting in a bowl of boiling water does NOT cause "growage." Only "burnage."

5 - When someone wags their finger at you, it doesn't always mean you've done wrong, sometimes it just indicates a particularly sticky booger.

6 - With aggressive therapy, the appeal of Malaysia and her seductive quicksand, biting flies and flesh mites can be little more than a distant yearn that beckons mostly late at night.

7 - Stopping a fan blade with your tongue tastes pretty dusty.

8 - Charades is a game best played with the unblind.

9 - Amish barn raisings and buggy lacquer festivals can get zany when the bonnets start coming off.

10 - Tomato soup is good, as long as you don't think about how it's made.


Angie said...

What are you doing with your tongue in a fan? What's bad about making tomato soup? I make fresh soup every summer from tomatoes in my garden.

Chris Cope said...

One of the engineers at a TV station I used to work at was trying to develop a reverse microwave when I first met him. He was convinced that if particles could be accelerated (as with a microwave) they could also be slowed just as quickly. I assume he's still working on it. Or he has somehow managed to beam himself to another galaxy.

Kerouaced said...

Was there blood mixed in with that fan dust?

Weary Hag said...

Not sure I want to know the big tomato soup secret.
Funny you should mention the bacon grease thing. I did too on my blog!
I've seen an Amish barn raising and you're exactly right. haha
Charades with the blind can actually be quite entertaining ... best part is, you always win.
As to stopping a fan blade with your tongue, try a game of solitaire next time you're bored, it's less cumbersome.

Hey, and I listened to your voice overs (finally, hanging head in shame now). Just really GREAT stuff, Dave. What a voice you have. Nice of you to share.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh, yes, peeing in the pool is very good advice. Works for sinks, bathtubs and showers, too.

Angie has a legitimate question. I think it is SAUSAGE you don't want to see being made.

Gwen said...

Friday you offered to let me come over and swim . . . can I be the one to pee in the pool? Just trying to be helpful.

Dave Morris said...

Angie, please don't ask questions like that. I'm sure you'd only be aghast of the answers. (kidding about the tomatoes)

Chris, that man will take Bill Gates' place as the richest in the world if he ever gets it done.

Kerouaced, I assumed the blades were made of iron, as that is what I tasted most. Perhaps you are onto something.

Carol, the tomato thing was just something to make you go "huh?" And you did. As for the grease, when she filled up a can, Grandpa would bury it down the hill. Or burn it. Solitaire bores me, there is nothing like a little danger to pick ya up. And thanks for the kind words.

Hoss, peeing in the pool is not so bad, but peeing in a FAN is never good. And I NEVER want to see sausage being made. Grinding lips and assholes into a pasty material and stuffing it into a colon doesn't sound good to me.

Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. You can feel free to pee in my pool, I'll know you're trying to help. If I swim through a warm spot, I'll know you were there. ;-)