Wednesday, June 15, 2005

How's my Wednesday looking?

I checked my horiscope this morning, and have included below the actual and translated versions.

What my horiscope for today SAYS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your anger cannot be suppressed much longer. You could explode or become ill. Let others know how you feel before the end results are negative. Tonight: Work through stress.

What my horiscope for today MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) The veins on your shoulder, temple and ass are bulging like the levis on a porn star. You're really pissed off about the lack of profit from your drunken, ill-advised investment in the new lacy yet "pouch-supportive" product your almost-gay-sounding friend Jean-Luc invented called "manties," and should either confront him about it or prepare for an impending cardiac burst and resulting complete dispensing of any profit you've ever made from ANYTHING to an undeserving, greedy vulture-like family. Tonight: it will take a lot of work to drink an entire fifth of scotch, but you'll feel better.


OldHorsetailSnake said...

You want fries with your apoplexy?

(God I'm glad I finally got a chance to use that word. I've been saving it since I was 12.)

Hey, the next 10,000 will come easier, since I visit you so often to check your phlegm level. Better start saving toward another nothing for a prize.

Rob Seifert said...

LMAO! Good luck with that... I'm still laughing...


Weary Hag said...

You do realize that when you put up these horriblescopes (as you so aptly named them), they apply to me as well. Great. Now I have my work cut out for me today. I WILL go into the office and demand more money. I WILL. I WILL. Having already endured one heart attack, I simply cannot afford another. Thanks for the tip, voice-man.

Raehan said...

My goodness! What does it say about Geminis?