Saturday, June 18, 2005

Greeting Cards

As I was choosing a Father's Day card a few days ago, it hit me - I've found my next fortune, dysfunctional greeting cards.

I rushed home and began writing furiously. I expect to receive the call from Hallmark any day now. I can't share much, I don't want my ideas plagarized, but I will give you a few timely examples.

Father's Day:

1 - Dad, I love you and all but I can’t say you raised me, helped me learn to play catch, taught me to shave or any of those other Dad-ish things since we only met a few years ago... so thanks for your recent portfolio advice and thoughts on my impending retirement. Happy Father's Day!

2 - Mom, I'm sending this card to you since you've managed to burn through so many husbands I have no idea how to contact any of them. Happy Father's Day, Mom!

3 - You raised me and you're an ass... but I still LOVE you! Happy Father's Day!

4 - To whom, thanks for the teddy bear I received in the mail last April. Happy Paternity Day!

Mother's Day:

1 - Mom, you've caused me to fear even the smallest things and my life's a shambles. Thanks for the lifelong prescription of Paxil! Happy Mother's Day!

2 - Mother, the way you dominated and brow-beat Dad all these years has inspired me. I hope you enjoy this card that I made Harold pick out for you. Happy Mother's Day!

3 - Maternal entity, thanks for having the good sense to let my Grandparents raise me. I hope you work through your issues! Happy Mother's Day.

The next time you hear from me, I will be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Hallmark is based in Kansas City, perhaps I should go ahead and move.



Anonymous said...

Hey husband! Where can I get these...? I need that first Mother's Day one right away! Actually, I'll take a shit pot full... lots of dysfunctional people in my life.... as you know.

I love you...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Shit! How come you didn't tout Ol' Hoss on this? Boy howdy, I can tell when I've been outgunned. My buddy Bill Gates will be knocking at your door any time now. You at the condo yet? I don't want him wasting his time knocking on doors all over St. Louis.

This is some of the best shit I ever read on the Internet. Yee hah!

Kerouaced said...

I'll take a dozen. You've got something going here. This could be big...

Gwen said...

Hmmmm . . . this all sounds so vaguely familiar.


Angie said...

Hallmark might not be daring enough for these cards. Pick another card publisher. Hallmark has the rep of being a sweatshop -not making its writers rich.

Amandarama said...

Don't forget the "Birthday For Unexpected Child Because Daddy Thought Mommy Was On The Pill And The Condom Broke" category.

You are definitely on to something here...

Weary Hag said...

Forget about Hallmark. Create your own empire, Dave. Call it "BallsMark ... when you care to sign your name to exactly what you never had the balls to actually say."
I'll climb on board as your PR person.

This is one precious father's day post!

Chris Cope said...

Mom -- Your aloof nature and constant absence from my childhood has left me ridiculously needy and unable to maintain a stable emotional relationship.
Happy Mother's Day.