Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I've Never Been To Me, second edition

I'm certainly not one to lament my own lack of substance, but I DO keep careful track of the things I've never done. This list is a continuation, and is kept as a reminder to myself.

I've never...

12 – Hummed any version of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” during a proctologist exam.*

13 – Held a vanilla wafer between my knees while wearing a light periwinkle satin & lace corset at a roadside produce stand.

14 – Sat quietly while a wolverine nibbled at my jewels.

15 – Driven to Ecuador on a Big Wheel to feast on the tripe of a camel during January, March or July, which are considered the off season down there.

16 – Held and rocked the child of a British taxidermist and reassured him/her everything will be alright as early as Friday.

17 – Gave up dancing with mannequins for lent.

18 – Requested a neighbor cease all contact with relatives and friends until I could see they’ve ended their dependency on the collecting of Leif Garrett or Sid Caesar memorabilia.

19 – Sudanese grave robbing for sport.**

20 – Adapted a screenplay for a flea-infested, size-challenged writer from Saskatoon who is known for making delicious pastries.

21 – Ice fishing with Ernest Borgnine.

* - The preferred version is most certainly Robert John, I never really liked the Tokens.
** - There is just too much profit to be made.


OldHorsetailSnake said...

So, all the animals EXCEPT a wolverine have nibbled on your jewels? Man, that takes balls.

Kerouaced said...

I can't believe you've never done at least some of these things...and if you want to ice fish with Ernest Borgnine you'd better hurry because he's close to 90 years old.

Angie said...

LMFAO @ #13

Weary Hag said...

Not so sure periwinkle would look too good on you Dave. Good thing you've never done number 13.
Camel tripe - egad. Where on earth do you get these thoughts? Is it all that 'medicinal' marijuana?

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I've always wanted to contact Lee Marvin with a ouija board. I haven't figured out what to ask him yet, so I haven't tried.

But I intend to.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I HAVE fished with Earnest Borgnine. Boy is that guy full of tall-tales. If he ever tells you he caught a 15 lb. off the coast of Wannatanka Bay, tell him he's full of shit.

Amandarama said...

Well, it's probably just as well you've avoided the camel tripe in Ecuador during those months. I've heard that the rule of thumb is to avoid tripe in Ecuador during any month that has a Monday in it.

Dave Morris said...

Gene, honestly I've never had a dingo do it either.

Steve, I'll watch the obituaries, and until I see Ernie's name I'll still know there's a chance.

Angie, I never take for granted the ability to make one laugh one's ass off.

Carol, the only reason I've never done it is, last time I was dressed like that it was February and no produce stands were open.

Steve, as ghosts go, Lee Marvin is a real asshole.

Bug, that was YOU?

Amanda, Ambien helps me resist.