Saturday, June 25, 2005

My weekend horrorscope translation

As I occasionally do, (usually when I can't think of a THING to write about) I have translated my weekend horoscope from what it says to what it might actually mean.


TAURUS (April 20-May 20) A partner might not be reliable or might do a reversal, so you must carry the ball. Use your frustration to motivate yourself and to accomplish what you need to get done. A serious but caring talk clears the air. Tonight: Leader of the gang.

It likely MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) When you paid the 200 bucks to the girl on the street, you didn’t anticipate she was a wacker-tucker. Since you can’t see yourself as that desperate yet, just go home and do what you usually do. Learn from the experience with the shemale and develop a simple, verbal test to establish the sex of the party – such as asking if a bottle of Corona has a twist-off top. Mostly only guys know that. A heart-to-heart chat with your attorney will clarify your likelihood of a plea bargain on your “medical marijuana” matter. Tonight: Pull a train.


prodgodq said...


This reminds me of a story.....I was working at my first fulltime radio job in wonderful Parkersburg,
West Virginia, at the princely yearly salary of $9,000. As I was leaving the station after midnight,
I see this beautiful girl about a block down from me, who waves and smiles, with some enthusiasm. Being single at the time, I mentally file this away for a possible future date. The next day, I'm talking with my PD (who was also single) about it, and he says: "Oh, that was probably Amanda". "Who's Amanda?", I reply.
"Ask her on a date and find out", he says cryptically. Being only a moderate fool, I decide to run this by some other people in the office. One of the part timers whom I spoke to said: "Oh, THAT Amanda! That's our town's resident hermaphrodite, Amanda Love" A-Man-To-Love. Get it?
Turns out "Amanda" acutally looked quite good from a distance, especially to Parkersburg's desperate single men. And if you were, say extremely inebriated in a dark bar, Amanda could pass herself off as a good prospect.
It turns out that Amanda liked
to pick up men in this fashion, and
then provide them with a little
"suprise" when things got hot and heavy. I guess she was also a good sprinter, because she managed to avoid being beaten up on a number of occasions.
The moral of the story: Don't ever get desperate for anything.
No matter what.

Ari said...

Love your translation, Dave. I'll be looking for those now, hehe.

One question though, being a naive Texas girl: Pull a train?

And man, is that a good piece of advice, prodgodq.

Raehan said...

You are very skilled at these translations. Perhaps a bit gender biased. Or maybe it's just that I'm not a Tauras. We Gemini women don't usually pick up girls on the street. We lean more towards the boys.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Is this real?

Or is it Bull?

Weary Hag said...

So sorry you got burned on the street-walker. How many times do I have to remind you to look at the hands first, Dave. It's all in the hands.
Man hands = wanker-tucker
(now write it on the board 50 times)

Amandarama said...

Corona has twist off tops? Really?

I'm so confused...

Dave Morris said...

DQ: Thanks for the story, you were very close to a lifetime of ridicule and personal torment.

Ari: it's a sexual term. Just use your imagination. ;-)

Raehan: you are right, and I should be more careful so you don't have to do the M-F translation.

Hoss: it's mostly steer.

Carol: all finished. Now what? (you WERE serious, weren't you?)

Amanda: you're right, they do not unscrew. And you are a girl. I'm impressed.