A picture says a thousand words...

So FIVE pictures would be, like... um. Well anyway, I was never good at math.

Car air conditioners have changed a lot through the years. Apparently this is the latest incarnation. When we were returning from a night out recently, we stopped for gas in a sort of bad part of town. It proved to be a rich stop for us.

A closer look shows that the guy apparently didn't want anyone to steal his AC. He's installed the newest security and locking system.

We attended the boxing matches last night, and included was a righteous chick fight. These girls turned it on from bell to bell without letting up. Notice the picture is blurry. That's how fast they were moving. That, or the beer I was drinking affected my photography prowess.

Naw, they were moving fast.

Token photo from the dude fight. Nobody really wants to see it anyway, so we'll move on.

For Sale: One slightly used Sprint PocketPC. All documentation, charging base, original box included. It was only driven to church on Sundays. If you'd like to buy it, email me.

For anyone who'd like to follow along...

Here's our baby's website.

It's weird. I have an 18 year old daughter who I adore and have thoroughly enjoyed raising... and until a year or so ago, had decided I was finished with children. Honestly, it only took finding someone like Emily to change my mind. Not that she lobbied to change it, but the idea of being a parent with such an amazing person just blew my mind. Not to be sappy, but we connect on a level I've never reached with another person before.

So we decided it was time.

Now, I am in preparation mode. I'm getting my office remodeled and in order. We're getting the garage and baby's room cleaned out, things put into storage and our lives generally organized. It's really fun! I needed this renewed energy and direction right now. It has motivated me both personally and professionally.

Life is pretty sweet!

No words necessary... we're ecstatic!

Comment-airy

Barry Bombs is one HR away from tying Hank's home-run total. He will then set a new record, I'm sure.

So f-in' what?

Barry Bonds is a cheat. So was Mark McGwire and a litany of other players who "juiced." (or currently juice) This is a non-event, and the more press it gets, the more troubled I get.

I think he should be recognized with a standing ovation when it happens (in the event he really DID set the record honorably and honestly) and that's it. He deserves no more, no less.

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"Aquafina... from some of the finest bathtub spigots in Milwaukee!" (How do you like my new slogan idea?)

It was revealed this week that Pepsi has been selling customers bottled water from "public water sources."

Shocking!

Americans, being the gullible bunch we are, believe water from a plastic bottle is better, cleaner, healthier... than that which is consumed from the tap. Common sense (and countless and constant health department tests) would indicate we're really, really stupid for believing that.

We bitch about $2.67 per gallon gas (my neighborhood price today) but we'll fork over 20 bucks a gallon for Fiji water because it has a fancy-shmancy square bottle and a picture of a mountain on the front.

When I leave the coffee shop this morning, I will go to QT. I will purchase a large bottle of Fiji. I will pour it down the sink and replace it with tap water. I will drink that tap water from the Fiji bottle. I will repeat that process over and over until the bottle wears out. I will look cool, rich and smart.

Which is the real reason Americans buy bottled water.

Want a sip?

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We're selling $20 billion in advanced weaponry to the Saudis?

STFU. You gotta be kidding me.

We never, ever learn. Ever. Stupidest, most forgetful people on Earth. Instead of making major moves to curb dependence on oil, we continue to coddle these backward MFs and dragging our feet on nuclear energy and the research of alternatives.

Nero fiddles while Rome burns.

-----

It's studio remodel time, so I'm headed to Home Depot to buy a door, a lighting fixture, some paint and all that junk. I'll take photos.

MySpice

For people who can't or won't pay for dating or singles sites, MySpace has been a free alternative for finding some lovin'. You can search by age, sex, location, interests... and then contact that person via private message to see if they're interested. A friend of mine who has a site on MySpace received multiple inquiries, including one couple who wanted to meet her for a threesome. Nice.

Brad Paisley has a song out right now called "Online." It's some funny shit!

I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I'm 5 foot 3 and overweight
I'm a scifi fanatic
A mild asthmatic
And I've never been to second base

But there's whole 'nother me
That you need to see
Go checkout MySpace
'Cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell them I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I'm so much cooler online

The average profile on MySpace tells me many of its inhabitants are young people who use the site to satisfy their alter-ego or position themselves in sexual or suggestive terms. Adults tend to gravitate toward places like Blogger and Typepad, although those services have their share of kids, which means deviants will follow.

The difference is, unless you publish your email address on your Blogger site (which I do) there is no vehicle to contact the author. It's not condusive to the meat-market scene or being a predator's playground. I've never received email from someone asking for a threesome... although maybe that's because they saw my profile picture. ;)

Now it's been divulged that MySpace had to delete 29,000 sites from its system because those people were known sexual predators. And those were just the ones who chose to use their real names.

It's too bad, really. MySpace was a great concept. It's just that too many people use it to get laid or prey on kids. Like restaurants or nightclubs, they are defined by their customer base. It is what it is.

Showering is for sissies

We just returned from the annual camp-out and float trip with about 30 friends, and you just don't realize how much of a panty waist you are until you live outside with only a 5x5 tent, jerky and a fishing pole to get you by.

Of course that wasn't our situation. Sure we had jerky, but also KFC chicken tenders, packs of delicious crab meat, wine and cheese, jello shots, a huge portable CD player with sub-woofer, pre-prepared foil packs of roasted chicken with veggies and a rechargeable tent ceiling fan. Shit, tents don't even have ceilings.

Yet despite all of those "not-a-real-camper" comforts, do you know the one thing that made me a real camper last weekend? I didn't shower. In FOUR DAYS. Not even once.

I was in the river a lot, we swam, floated and waded. But I never bathed in the traditional sense, which makes me a f*ckin'-A camper. I didn't even need mosquito repellant.

Here's a photo of my Hummer, packed with the camping supplies of two couples. If you had tried to pull the wrong piece out at the wrong time, there would have been a deadly explosion of camping supplies, vodka and tent material. You may also find pieces of a pink flamingo as well... hey, even on the road your yard needs to look kitchy. If you look closely in the upper left corner, there's a black bag... thank goodness we had space enough for our deluxe queen-size air mattress with 600 thread count sheets.* Camping just isn't the same without the necessities.

A picture of Violet and me. We may or may not have been in a state of insobriety. Notice the messages on the shirts... yeah, we're just that good.

So let me ask you... if you bring pre-cooked food and have access to showers and buffet food, is it really camping? That was the subject of the great debate around the campfire. (which we lit with a bag of lighter-fluid-soaked charcoal briquets) We are most definitely NOT camping purists. Are you?

The quote of the week was courtesy of camper Bill. When told there was extra ice if he needed any for his cooler, his response was "is it still frozen?" Here's your sign.

Disclaimer: the mattress sucks and the sheet thread-count is only like 150... but that stuff doesn't sound funny at all.

You can take the kid out of the hood...

Michael Vick is a jagoff.

He's also the Atlanta Falcon's star quarterback. He's also up dog-shit creek.

Read the story - it'll make you feel like puking, especially if you're a dog lover.

Throw the book at him. Put him in prison, where he belongs... he's a scumbag.

A blog's worth

We're back from our weekend whirlwind trip, and I owe thanks to friends Dave, Trish and their kids... and Russ and Shelly for making it great.

We're back at it for now, but Thursday we leave for our annual camp and float trip on the Huzzah river! We'll be gone Thursday through Sunday. When we return Sunday, it'll take most of the afternoon to check for ticks.

-----

Lately I've been off and on with blogging, although I don't have an adequate excuse. But today, I was reminded that my blog is an important and worthy spot on the net.

Back in 2005, I lost a dear friend, and wrote about it on these pages. I used what words I could find at the time to fashion something of a tribute/obituary for her... and today as someone was searching the net to find their old friend Adrianne... they learned of her death here. They posted a comment honoring her, a full 2 1/2 years after her passing. (Thanks for visiting, Alex. I'm happy to read your words of remembrance)

I conducted my own search and found that mine is the only outpost on the net which honors her life, or marks her death. Even today, there are people just getting the news... and if my blog serves no larger a purpose, I will be content.

And now, dudes jumping on trampolines!

Ever see The Man Show? It ended every week with "girls jumping on trampolines." I don't need to explain the virtues to you.

I jumped on a trampoline for the first time in 20 years today. More like 30 years. I was a kid in Los Angeles at the time, and the arcade next door to my mom's job had trampolines, and it cost 25 cents to jump for 15 minutes. I probably spent a dollar a day jumping.

Now that I think about it, I was 10 years old, so it's only been 23 years. ;)

And you know what? I wouldn't have gotten on the goddamn thing if I had remembered how much work it was.

We're in Youngstown, Ohio today with my friend Dave Steele. He's feeding us beef. I know that sounds dirty, but it's true... we bought an entire tenderloin at Sam's today and it's sizzling away on the grill right now. Lucky you, I have my camera.

You know you want some.


That's Dave, The Grillmaster. He's a prick and sometimes kind of feminine but he's OK.

Tomorrow, it's on to Dayton, Ohio to spend time with our friends Russ and Shelly. They have a pool. Emily has her bikini. You'll check back tomorrow, won't you?

iPhone Confessions

Over at smays.com, my friend Steve is doing a series of interviews with people who have taken the early leap of faith with an iPhone.

Steve is one of the most web savvy people I know. He has a clear view of the future of the internet and how it will evolve in the next 10 to 20 years. He's a Mac guy... and the iPhone is my first foray into the world of the Mac.

We sat and chatted, on my iPhone, about my iPhone, over a cup of coffee yesterday morning. To hear the results, go here.

www.smays.com is one of my multi-stop daily fixes.

Techies will enjoy this

Sent by a friend, it sounds like some kinds of software I've used...

Desperately seeking technical support!

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0, this time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 in the background, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an undocumented feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented.'

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancée 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice...

A 19 million dollar bowl

NASA must be high.

First, I remind you that the original budget for the international station was somewhere in the vicinity of 8 or 10 billion dollars. We are now at 100 BILLION. Eleven zeros. (more zeros than a St. Louis Cardinals scoreboard)

And NASA has just purchased a 19 million dollar toilet from the Russians.

Remember the story about how NASA spent millions researching a pen that could write in zero gravity, while the Russians just used a pencil? Apparently the Russians heard it too, and decided to grab part of the money NASA is throwing around like drunken ... sailors. I wish I could come up with a better metaphor, but I fear NASA will soon become the metaphor.

A 19 million dollar toilet. That certainly trumps the $700 pentagon toilet seat or the $1000 lag bolt. As I write my monthly check to the IRS, I find myself less and less tolerant of stories like these. Do you have any idea how much beer and pay-per-view I could be buying?

I've never seen a more disorganized, inefficient and corrupt organization than the US government. Maybe it's time to put the whole of Washington DC into their fancy new Russian toilet and give it a flush.

Naw. Then we'd have to pay a plumber 10 million to unclog it.

Brush with greatness (and by greatness, I mean child molester)

A few months ago, and in a state of insobriety, Emily and Paula purchased 4 season tickets to the Muny outdoor theater at Forest Park. (note to self: do not relinquish credit cards to intoxicated women)

Last night we attended the Muny's production of Grease. Eh. It was okay. The lead actress (the part of Sandra Dumbrowski) was vocally a little weak. Otherwise, it was pretty decent.

While dining at Jimmy's on the Park prior to the play, I snapped this picture* of Paula.

Not that she's not picturesque, but I was actually taking the photo so I could share this inset with you.


Dude is totally Woody Allen. Minus the perversion and filmmaking genius. Subtract 25 years and add a foot onto his height, and he's a dead ringer.

I got to wondering if people actually TRY to look like celebrities, or if it's just the fact that there are only so many face types.

I've been told I look exactly like Brad Pitt.**



*Pictures taken with my new iPhone - great quality for a PDA, right?

**Maybe they said I looked like a friend of Brad Pitt. Either way.

Scotch and bacon*

Sometimes a song just hits the spot. I had dinner with great friends tonight, then came home and poured a scotch and turned on iTunes.

This particular song has been recorded by everyone from Sinatra to Bryan Ferry. The version I'm listening to now is from Frankie Laine's "Torchin'" CD. As a still-fairly-young guy, I find myself wishing there were more songs being written today that hold as much meaning.

A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumblin' words that told you what my heart meant
A fairground's painted swings
These foolish things remind me of you

You came, you saw, you conquered me
When you did that to me
I knew somehow this had to be

The winds of March that make my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings but who's to answer?
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things remind me of you

How strange, how sweet, to find you still
These things are dear to me
They seem to bring you so near to me

The sigh of midnight trains in empty stations
Silk stockings thrown aside, dance invitations
Oh how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you.

*Emily can always tell if I've had a drink or two because I have a habit of microwaving two strips of bacon as a bedtime snack. Don't judge.

MiPhone

I know you'll be shocked, but I did it.

I stood in line for about an hour yesterday to get the new Apple iPhone. Yes, me. In line. I've never stood in line for anything, and yet I succumbed to the intense hype. The siren called out to me. All that shit.

Talk about a geek-fest. There were 30 people in line with me at the O'Fallon MO AT&T store, and I was #29. When I arrived, the sales guy looked at me with a sort of "I'm waiting for you to ask me about the iPhone" look on his face. So of course I indulged him.

"How many phones do you have, and am I too late?" It was 5:55 pm, a full FIVE MINUTES before the doors opened. He gave me this little wink that was simultaneously geeky and cocky... and one of those dorky tongue clicks. The only thing missing was the finger-as-pistol "Shooter McGee" motion. He fished around in his pocket. This was his moment to shine!

"Here ya go." He handed me a voucher that guaranteed me the right to purchase a phone. A little quiver passed through my body... much the same feeling as when you find out your application for auto financing has been approved.

And I've paid less for a car.

I bought a 4 gig model and so far I'm elated. Overall, the network's speed is more than compensated for by the incredible functionality of the phone. The email, voice mail and usability of Safari, the internet interface all seem unparalleled. The screen is bright, easy to navigate and the calls are clear. I've been on Cingular for a long time, and at least in this area, it has the most reliable coverage of all the cell companies.

When I plugged the unit into my laptop, (a PC-*gasp!*)it synched easily with iTunes, went online automatically, and in about 5 screens I had transferred my service from my old cell to the iPhone. Seamlessly, the new phone took over. It synched all my contacts from Outlook, my calendar entries and the photos and music I had decided to add to the iPhone.

It also automatically added all my email accounts to the iPhone. The email automatically downloads to the phone and alerts me when I have new messages. The voicemail interface is great - it actually lists all your messages, who they're from, and each has a play button you can click to listen on speaker. No more dialing into the network and navigating the BS menus.

The unit is also an iPod, although that function won't be very important to me.

I really do believe this phone is a groundbreaking new tool, with the amazing animated graphic interface, its versatility (some of which I'm not even aware of yet) and functionality. (more of which I'm not yet aware) On my home wi-fi network, it flies. On the Cingular network, it's a bit slow. They guaranteed me they are working on getting better speed out of their system.

I now have a Sprint Pocket PC 6700 for sale. If you're interested (and haven't succumbed to the alure of the iPhone) let me know. I'll make you a hell of a deal. It comes with a 1 gig data card.

I'll keep you updated on how MiPhone performs.

Oh. This is my last hurrah. I'm finished buying high tech stuff for a while. ;)


EDIT: I just realized I've used my phone for several days, yet never opened the instruction book. This thing is extremely intuitive.

In search of a firm stool

I don't generally discuss poop but I'll be honest - when they say "don't drink the water," believe it.

I'm freshly back from Mexico and I can honestly report that if you're planning to visit the Grand Palladium in Playa del Carmen... do plenty of research. We walked 3 to 6 miles a day just getting from our room to the buffet, beach, pools, watersports, restaurants and bars. They have a train-type shuttle running between the lobbies of the four different resorts, but they were usually full and ran only every 20 to 30 minutes. For us, it was way too big. My feet still feel like hamburger because flip-flops aren't meant for freakin' l-o-n-g hikes.

But we had a great time anyway. Smoked some Cubans, ate some local food, and popped Immodium like candy.

We traveled with seven other people ranging from a doctor to an English guy to a hawk-eared teacher. Some of the quotes from the trip:

"Yoouu carrrr-(burp)-rrry my f*#king shoooes." - Dr. Mike, in the midst of a mean-ass tequila drunk that it took seventeen hours to sleep off, to his wife who was trying to corral his ass and get him to bed. He missed dinner and maybe drank 3 more drinks the entire week.

"Aye, aye, aye..." - Head down on the table, Ada, the Brit Hooligan Englishman, on the evening of the same drunk as Dr. Mike. One of the three guys who got completely shit-faced, he was the only one to regurgitate vomit puke his guts up in the Asian restaurant powder room.

"Don't eat the fish." - Ada's advice to a guy who walked into said powder room during said puking. I'm pretty sure the guy left the restaurant immediately.

"Eep, opp, ork, ah ah" - The stupid Jetson's phrase that got stuck in our head at the adult pool one day. I guess all the nekkid boobies weren't enough to occupy us.

"I always cut the netting out of my slacks." - Dr. Mike... by "netting," he means the mesh found in the lining of swimming trunks, and by "slacks," he means "I'm drunk when I'm saying this."

"If you're planning on doing only one excursion while you're in Mexico, you should take the trip to the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza." - the Apple agent in the hotel lobby, helping us decide which activities we were planning to enjoy while on our trip.

"Why the hell should I take a trip to chicken pizza?" - Mike Cornett, right after the Apple guy did his schpiel.

"Hey, they put more pool in the water." - Diana Cornett, self explanatory.

"My cammmerra gott stollllllenn." - Uncle Mikey, who completed the trio of drunkards on the fateful day when he got back to his room minus his cammmerra. He forgot he had given it to Diana for safe keeping.

"Y'all are gonna have the shits." - Emily, through the window to people seated in the Brazilian restaurant 24 hours after our trip to same.

"Something back here smells like cheese." - Paula Williams, just seconds before somebody discovered that someone had shit on the floor in the aisle behind us on the bus. I kid you not. Apparently, that person had also been to the Brazilian restaurant.

"These freakin' Mexicans." - The bus driver talking to us immediately after cleaning up said shit. Funny part, he was totally a Mexican.

"What do you think, Emily?" - Everyone, when trying to decide what to do that day. My significant other became the point person of the trip, doing the bitching, breaking ties, and making decisions on behalf of the rest of the group. Her innate ability to control children in her classroom came in handy all week.

To those who went on the trip - if you can think of other quotes, please post them in the comment area.

We had a great time... but again, long story short - don't drink the water.

Or go to the Brazilian restaurant.

Autoreply: Out of the office

At this time, I'm sipping a drink with an umbrella in it. I'm sitting on sand. I'm seeing blue. I'm with friends. I'm with my baby.

There is this incredible feeling of peace that has come over me. I'm not worried about anything right now... except that Em's smiling, and if I brought enough shorts.

No shirt, no shoes, no problems. See you on the 28th.

For fun it's a wonderful toy

Emily brought me a gift yesterday from her toy stash at her Mom's house.



I can't put it down. I am actually conducting slinky stress tests, doing slinky acrobatics, doing the ear-to-mouth slinky phone, and a few other things I can't go into right now.

Remember the slinky smell? The noise it makes? How it walks down the stairs? It's almost like I'm reliving my childhood.

Hanging

The Sopranos ended their reign last night and it was quite climactic.

Except for the part about having a climax.

Although there were a million indications of what Tony's final fate might be, (mysterious guy in the diner, AJ's strange final twists, Paulie's weirdness, the flirting with the FBI, the likelihood of an indictment ahead) ultimately the viewers were left to draw their own conclusions.

Honestly, I needed closure. In my opinion, the guy who had kept viewers on their heels for eight years needed to commit to an ending - a real "WTF?!?!?!"

And I suppose he did... but not in the way I anticipated. We were left to provide our own final puzzle piece. In the words of the Journey song that was playing in the final scene, "the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on..."

Pretty ingenius, I guess. He left us with one final wince.

-----

My high school reunion was mostly exactly as I thought it would be. Violet and I had a great time, we saw a lot of old friends, and discovered that a couple of them had moved to our area.

I got the chance to visit face to face with Blogarita for the first time in forever... it was great to catch up a little, although there was very little time for genuine reminiscing.

Actually, that's one thing I did very little of that night. I never once uttered the words "remember that time..." I figure the best memories have yet to be made.

As I sit here trying to think of more to write about the event, I realize I have nothing else to say. It was fun, as high school reunions go.

-----

I have an issue with zipping my pants. Well, actually REzipping.

For whatever reason, if I undo everything and retuck my shirt or whatever, I sometimes forget to cinch things back up. Why do I forget to reinterdigitate my fly?

And why do we call it a "fly?"

It's a good thing I don't do commando.

Anyway, if you see me with the "barn door" open, quietly tell me. Then I'll ask you to kindly stop staring at my crotch.

Bezball been beddy beddy good to me

We went to the Cardinals/Angels game last night, an affair which we lost 9-6, but before which we tailgated mightily... as shown below.

Diana & Mike (the Cornetts) and Emily are caught in a natural, non-pose moment. They had no idea I was snapping this picture.

In this picture, we're sitting on the sidewalk in front of the new stadium. Behind us, some of St. Louis' natural fauna - weeds that are actually growing out of the cracks in the sidewalk.

Ah, memories of tailgating in years past. I was watering a bush during the 2005 season when Dr. Mike caught me in a candid moment. Bastard.

And now, we're piling in the car to head to Warsaw for my 25th HS class reunion. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and catching up. I told Emily she can go with me to my reunion, but I won't be going to hers. I can hear it now: "Hey, who's the old guy?"

Have a great weekend!

Memememememeeeee!

Borrowed from Blogarita, I've decided to complete a meme. Why? I got nothin' else.

Elaborate on your avatar.

Um, it's a picture. Of me.

What’s your current relationship status?

I cohabitate with a most lovely person, Violet. She loves me in spite of my many faults.

Ever have a near-death experience?

I've been married THREE times. So, of course I have.

What’s the name of the song that’s stuck in your head right now?

How did you know a song was stuck in my head? Eleanor Rigby. Got no idea why.

Name a celebrity you would marry.

As I've stated, I think I've been married plenty, thanks. I suppose the question really means what celebrity would you bed down. None. Okay, maybe Lisa Kudrow because she reminds me of Emily. (how's THAT for a PC answer??)

Who will cut and paste this meme first?

Maybe Dr. Mike because he wants to be just like me in every way. No wait, he never blogs anymore. Eh, prolly nobody. And I don't mean Nobody, I mean nobody.

Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?

Yeah, somebody once said I vaguely resemble John Travolta. Someone else said Tim Robbins, which I can actually see (sans the blue eyes and advanced grey hair)

Do you wear a watch? What kind?

Funny you should ask. I am a watch collector. I know blogarita says they are obsolete, but I've always worn one. If I forget to put one on before I leave the house, I've actually been known to stop and buy one.

Anyway, I have about 10 watches, a couple of them pocket watches. Most of them are Citizen watches, one is a Seiko, and one is a collector's item Breitling, which is one of only 1000 like it in the world. How can you say watches are obsolete??? ;)

Edit: one of my favorite things to do with watches was from Robert Fulghum in one of his many books: remove all hands except the second hand. You never really know what time it is... you just know that it never stops moving and you should be making the best of it.

Do you have anything pierced?

Not intentionally.

Do you have any tattoos?

Not intentionally. There was that branding iron incident one night at the Yellow Rose country bar.

Do you like pain?

There are certain types of pain that are somewhat (strangely) appealing, such as the "pain" of a deep tissue massage. I am not a masochist, but I understand. (much the same way I'm not a murderer, but if you caught your spouse in bed with someone and killed that person, I understand) (Wow, that was pretty tangential)

Do you like to shop?

Oddly enough, I don't mind it. I can spend 10 hours in Sam's, Home Depot or Williams Sonoma. (I love kitchen stuff)

What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

Um. Beer.

What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card?

I'm always putting meals on my American Express card, which isn't really a credit card since you pay it off every month. I am in card-payoff-mode, so I'm not charging much these days.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

Dr. Mike. I'm pretty sure it was one of our "usual" conversations, during which we do one of the following: make fun of somebody, discuss our next big scheme to make money, or figure out who's bringing the beer we'll drink on his patio.

What is on your desktop background?

On this computer, starfish under water. I have seven computers though... which is another story altogether. (I have a thing about buying computers - I have three laptops. Whenever a new model comes out, I have to have it. I admit it is a sickness) Violet has two computers, a laptop and a desktop. That makes NINE computers in the house. I got all KINDS of backgrounds!

What is the background on your cell phone?

Whatever it was when I bought it.

What was the last movie you watched?

Night at the Museum. Violet and I both gave it about 3 out of 5 stars. Kid flick. Plus, any movie where Dick Van Dyke plays a villain... automatically gets bumped down a star.

What was the last book you read?

Strangely enough, the last book I FINISHED was E=MC2 - A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation. Before that, it was Sagan's Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors. Yep, I'm a geek reader.

You can feel free to propogate this meme to your own blog if you wish, or pick one of them to answer via comment here. I hope that by reading mine, you have more of an insight into what makes me tick. But prolly not.

Petrodiculous

Although the prices are coming down somewhat, I wanted to post a few pics/editorial cartoons on my blog to remind me of how expensive the summer of 2007 was. Enjoy!

Consumed

If life weren't busy enough lately, I am now consumed with the final few episodes of The Sopranos.

Never has there been a more vivid, guilty pleasure in television. I hate the way I love it. Tony Soprano is the guy every man wants to be for just a moment, minus the danger of bullets and the void of morals. You root for him and feel guilty for it.

Like a moth to a flame, there is an appeal to the danger of "the family." They are bumbling idiots at times, wildly dangerous killers at others, but in an odd way, the show is a metaphor for many aspects of life...

The next-to-last episode was filled with symbolic metaphor. The Sopranos was famous for that, but this week each scene was rife with deeper meaning. Fantastic writing. I was disappointed with the way Tony's history with Dr. Melfi ended, but even that is symbolic, in a way. It ended clumsily, as will Tony's life, probably.

I am certain I won't be the only one to miss them. Regardless of the final outcome, June 10th will be a bittersweet day.

Boo??

Screw YOO!!

I was pretty disappointed when the audience in Mexico made it personal and boo-ed Miss USA during the Miss Universe pageant last night. (by the way, when will the other "lesser" galaxies like Andromedia finally be represented?)

Memo to Mexico and anyone else who hates the US - go fug yourself.

While the US does enjoy world status as the only superpower, is the richest country per capita in the world and uses that status and weight to get a few extra perks... we've also earned the position in ways far too numerous to list here.

Let a flood, earthquake or famine hit your nation and see who is first to arrive and help. Let your enemy attack you and see whose boys show up with the world's most advanced and precise weapons to set things right. Let you be stricken by disease and see whose doctors (the best in the world) mobilize first to find a cure.

Check out who primarily funds nearly every charity, pays trillions in cash, goods and services to its allies around the world when they need it... and buys your plastic SHIT.

Hey Mexico... besides millions of illegal aliens, (who send billions in US currency back to you every year to support your asses) what else do you export to the US? That's right, billions of dollars worth of products, from furniture to electronics and beyond. If we, for even one day, stopped sending our money to you, it would be catastrophic.

Think about that for a minute.

Yes, I know all about the unpopularity of the war in Iraq. I know it sometimes seems like our president makes decisions with a Magic 8-Ball. I know that we've made some international blunders in the past 6 years.

While I'm at it, a message to the Iraqis - we're trying hard to get out of there. We know we screwed up, but our boys on the ground (who we are extremely proud of) are trying their best to set things right for you. When we leave, it's likely you are going to have to fight for freedom and democracy. Really, that's the only way it matters anyway... you gotta want it bad enough to fight.

So anyway. As for all of our shortcomings here in the United States... we know. Nobody's perfect. Everyone has ups and downs. This administration happens to be part of a down period. I hear ya.

Still. Screw you, Mexico... and everyone else in the world that fails to remember what the US has done for you. I grow tired of your selective amnesia.

And leave poor Miss USA alone! She didn't do anything to you.

Except kick your girl's ass.

Thank you.

Celebrity brushes with "greatness"

Recently, after the second dirty martini of the evening, a "good" idea for a blog entry occurred to me. In retrospect, and in the clarity of complete sobriety, it doesn't sound nearly as brilliant. But, being the stubborn bastard I am, I'm writing it anyway.

I was thinking of celebrities I've dated/married. Not real celebrities, but women who had almost the same traits as certain celebrities. For instance... ladies, maybe you dated a rich guy with funky hair. Donald Trump.

I dredge up these old memories hesitantly... I am currently dating the perfect woman, and couldn't be more thankful. But it makes the women of my past seem all the funnier. Bear with me... and please understand, you'll be asked to contribute.

Once I dated Lance Armstrong. Well, the female equivalent - she was missing an ovary and was an avid bike rider. That irony was not obvious until later, when Lance got cancer.

I dated Sandra Bullock once. A look-alike, anyway. People actually mistook her for Bullock when we were out places. I was all like "yeah, I'm dating Sandra Bullock!" Then muttering under my breath, "the psychopathic version, and with no money."

Same with Shania Twain. A time or two, an ex of mine was mistaken for the country singer. Except with the real Shania, what you see is what you get... not so with the look-alike version.

Once I dated Sharon Stone from "Basic Instinct" crossed with Tori Spelling. The Stone part because she expected constant attention, like 3 or 4 phone calls a day. The Tori Spelling part because she had a horrible boob job. (clearly lopsided) (never saw them naked) That relationship lasted about 4 weeks. Or 112 phone calls.

I was married once to Joan Crawford. 'nuf said.

Also to Hugh Grant or (insert rap artist here), whichever cheats most often. Grant, because he messed around on Elizabeth Hurley... with a hooker. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I dated Elizabeth Taylor for about a month. And I've been called the male version of Elizabeth Taylor.

And now, I'm dating Lisa Kudrow... at least in looks. Also, Em is brilliantly intelligent, like the real Lisa Kudrow. (did you know Phoebe from friends has a genius-level IQ in real life?) She also has a little Dolly Parton, mixed with Jenny McCarthy in her.

And she's perfect for me. This is where, God willing, my brushes with celebrity "greatness" end.

Which celebrities have you dated?

I'm a research fool, let there be no mistake

When I buy something, I know exactly what I'm getting. I've always been that way... I research every little aspect and make sure it's exactly what I need.

So as I prepare for the release of the Apple iPhone, I'm looking at all its capabilities, and it may truly be the most amazing phone...

... I'll never own.

See, I have this thing about having the best electronics I can afford. For the $$, the laptop I'm typing on right now is the absolute Cadillac, a 17" widescreen, dual core, 2 gigs of memory, 200 gigs of hard drive... etc. And I replace my laptops about once a year.

Same with cell phones. Currently, I have a Samsung slide phone and a Sprint PDA. Yes, carrying both means all I'm missing is a pocket protector. Screw you... it works for me.

The iPhone is threatening to replace both of them. It has extreme internet capabilities, automatic synching of contacts, bookmarks, calendar, all touch screen, a built-in iPod, mapping and GPS capabilities, auto sensors which turn the screen off (touch and light) when you put the phone to your ear... I'm telling you, it's ALMOST the perfect cell phone.

Almost.

Trouble is, it's only as fast as the network it functions on... and that network is Cingular's EDGE. Why on EARTH they would develop a new state-of-the-art cellular phone that runs on the OLD data network - is completely beyond me. That would be like building a new line of hybrid automobile whose electric motor is disabled.

Sure, the phone includes Bluetooth and Wi-Fi data capabilities, as well. But on a routine basis, when out in the real world, your only high speed option is EDGE.

How stupid is that?

This may be the breaking point for me. When Cingular sells Treos, Blackberries, etc. which run on the new, MUCH faster 3G network, yet leave their newest, hottest product functioning on their old system, they may have lost the sale.

Plus, it doesn't support third-party applications at all, including the ability to open and edit Word documents.

I was convinced I was going to be among the first iPhone owners. Now, I think I will wait a while...