Recently, after the second dirty martini of the evening, a "good" idea for a blog entry occurred to me. In retrospect, and in the clarity of complete sobriety, it doesn't sound nearly as brilliant. But, being the stubborn bastard I am, I'm writing it anyway.
I was thinking of celebrities I've dated/married. Not real celebrities, but women who had almost the same traits as certain celebrities. For instance... ladies, maybe you dated a rich guy with funky hair. Donald Trump.
I dredge up these old memories hesitantly... I am currently dating the perfect woman, and couldn't be more thankful. But it makes the women of my past seem all the funnier. Bear with me... and please understand, you'll be asked to contribute.
Once I dated Lance Armstrong. Well, the female equivalent - she was missing an ovary and was an avid bike rider. That irony was not obvious until later, when Lance got cancer.
I dated Sandra Bullock once. A look-alike, anyway. People actually mistook her for Bullock when we were out places. I was all like "yeah, I'm dating Sandra Bullock!" Then muttering under my breath, "the psychopathic version, and with no money."
Same with Shania Twain. A time or two, an ex of mine was mistaken for the country singer. Except with the real Shania, what you see is what you get... not so with the look-alike version.
Once I dated Sharon Stone from "Basic Instinct" crossed with Tori Spelling. The Stone part because she expected constant attention, like 3 or 4 phone calls a day. The Tori Spelling part because she had a horrible boob job. (clearly lopsided) (never saw them naked) That relationship lasted about 4 weeks. Or 112 phone calls.
I was married once to Joan Crawford. 'nuf said.
Also to Hugh Grant or (insert rap artist here), whichever cheats most often. Grant, because he messed around on Elizabeth Hurley... with a hooker. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
I dated Elizabeth Taylor for about a month. And I've been called the male version of Elizabeth Taylor.
And now, I'm dating Lisa Kudrow... at least in looks. Also, Em is brilliantly intelligent, like the real Lisa Kudrow. (did you know Phoebe from friends has a genius-level IQ in real life?) She also has a little Dolly Parton, mixed with Jenny McCarthy in her.
And she's perfect for me. This is where, God willing, my brushes with celebrity "greatness" end.
Which celebrities have you dated?