Friday, May 25, 2007

Celebrity brushes with "greatness"

Recently, after the second dirty martini of the evening, a "good" idea for a blog entry occurred to me. In retrospect, and in the clarity of complete sobriety, it doesn't sound nearly as brilliant. But, being the stubborn bastard I am, I'm writing it anyway.

I was thinking of celebrities I've dated/married. Not real celebrities, but women who had almost the same traits as certain celebrities. For instance... ladies, maybe you dated a rich guy with funky hair. Donald Trump.

I dredge up these old memories hesitantly... I am currently dating the perfect woman, and couldn't be more thankful. But it makes the women of my past seem all the funnier. Bear with me... and please understand, you'll be asked to contribute.

Once I dated Lance Armstrong. Well, the female equivalent - she was missing an ovary and was an avid bike rider. That irony was not obvious until later, when Lance got cancer.

I dated Sandra Bullock once. A look-alike, anyway. People actually mistook her for Bullock when we were out places. I was all like "yeah, I'm dating Sandra Bullock!" Then muttering under my breath, "the psychopathic version, and with no money."

Same with Shania Twain. A time or two, an ex of mine was mistaken for the country singer. Except with the real Shania, what you see is what you get... not so with the look-alike version.

Once I dated Sharon Stone from "Basic Instinct" crossed with Tori Spelling. The Stone part because she expected constant attention, like 3 or 4 phone calls a day. The Tori Spelling part because she had a horrible boob job. (clearly lopsided) (never saw them naked) That relationship lasted about 4 weeks. Or 112 phone calls.

I was married once to Joan Crawford. 'nuf said.

Also to Hugh Grant or (insert rap artist here), whichever cheats most often. Grant, because he messed around on Elizabeth Hurley... with a hooker. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I dated Elizabeth Taylor for about a month. And I've been called the male version of Elizabeth Taylor.

And now, I'm dating Lisa Kudrow... at least in looks. Also, Em is brilliantly intelligent, like the real Lisa Kudrow. (did you know Phoebe from friends has a genius-level IQ in real life?) She also has a little Dolly Parton, mixed with Jenny McCarthy in her.

And she's perfect for me. This is where, God willing, my brushes with celebrity "greatness" end.

Which celebrities have you dated?


arthist99 said...

Hilarious idea!
Let's see, there was the guy who looked like a tall, skinny version of Brendan Fraser with super long hair. Beautiful, smart - the perfect woman really. It sucks when your boyfriend is prettier than you...

Then there was the short, white trash George Clooney. (That was shortly before we diagnosed my OCD and put my ass on medication.)

Oh, and there was also the musician who looked and talked JUST like that new comedian/talk show host Greg Behrent (he wrote "He's Just Not That Into You"), only he was a self-absorbed bastard. Damn drummers.

Blogarita said...

Uh, let's see.

There was a guy who looked like Tracy Lawrence, only without the hair or temper.

Shrek and Fiona remind me of the guy I dated (just before I met SG) and the woman he's married to now. No he wasn't ugly and green, but he was a big, lovable guy who could affect the same Scottish brogue.

Another reminded me of a cross between Robin Williams and that character on night court named Bull.

One who looked something like Kevin Bacon, but had the neurotic personality of Woody Allen.

I'm glad SG doesn't remind me of any celebrities.

ajooja said...

Almost all of my girlfriends were the same type, but I married a Courtney Cox.

It wouldn't surpise me to run into you guys at a coffee shop. :)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I know what you mean. I was once married to old whats-her-name and now I'm not married to anybody. Also I was married to (can't remember her handle). Pretty good at dinner, is all I can recall.

Kim Leslie said...

Holy resemblances, Batman! I dated Jim Carrey. Hysterically quick-witted, bordering on genius, and totally narcissistic. Somewhere between "Man on the Moon" and "Bruce Almighty."

pinkhippo said...

I have once dated Peter Parker "Batman".

I was his girlfriend before Gwen. See he is so heartless that he has forgotten to include me in his stories. lol

Actually my ex has forgotten me because he didnt bother to smile when we met once in a shopping mall. So uncool!

I like this and you are so funny. :)

mckay said...

hubby #1 -bruce lee w/o the hot asian muscles.

randommoments said...

How come I didn't think of this?

Dated Johnny Depp look alike who also possessed Johnny's love for the bottle (or 3). Hmm, come to think of it, his pale skin and wirey hair made him favor the Edward Scissorhands Depp.

Briefly dated Alan Jackson who also sang a lot like him as well. Throw a ten gallon on his skinny ass and it was a little creepy. I was 16 and Alan's octopus-style affection didn't help the short lived celebrity love.

Currently dating Nicholas Cage, though I've only seen the resemblance in certain angles. Lacks the arrogant nature though, along with the cars and money. *sigh* (Just kidding)

Eve said...

I'm married to Keifer Sutherland...