Friday, August 19, 2005

I've Never Been To Me, fifth edition

I simply refuse to consider my life complete or even somewhat fruitful until I accomplish a few very facile goals.

By popular demand (yeah... right), more Things I've Never Done.

I've never:

43 - Challenged a surly, buxom female Arizonan with dry flaky skin to a death match of Chutes and Ladders while hopped up on welsh ale.

44 - Ridden on a Greyhound bus to Thibodeau, Louisiana with Harold Ensley, the Sportsman's Friend.

45 - Shouted "I'm filling my pants with waste" to anyone who would listen, inside a Waffle House in a small, bible-belt town.

46 - Thrown a portable CD player out a conversion van window in Arkansas while drinking Red Bull and vodka and wearing a Hawaiian shirt and boxer shorts.*

47 - Given CPR to Bea Arthur.

48 - Supported a movement to reduce the number of guys named Hector. Or Leon.

49 - Slipped noiselessly into a room containing boxes of valuable Russian trinkets stacked to the ceiling, and not considered the possibility of quiet, sexual self-satisfaction.

50 - Bocce with Elliot Gould.

51 - Lovingly stroked a mongoose in a busy airport during Hanukah.

52 - Performed a greek Saltatio dance with a parental rights demonstrator, while ignoring a previous commitment to prepare margaritas for a vacationing group of Belgian elk hunters.

53 - Milked a ridiculous schtick as a way of filling website space when I had writer's block or nothing really creative to say.*




* Okay, maybe I've done these things. Sue me.

More archived Things I've Never Done.

6 comments:

Lee Ann said...

You've never... Slipped noiselessly into a room containing boxes of valuable Russian trinkets stacked to the ceiling, and not considered the possibility of quiet, sexual self-satisfaction? Hey I tagged you! And you asked if I wouldn't talk to you anymore...what's up? :)
Have a good one!

Angie said...

Do you really want to give Bea Arthur cpr?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Bea Arthur is too much woman for any man. Plus, she has a penis. I learned that from Jeff Ross.

lilly05 said...

Oops! You discounted #53 a little too soon! Great post, hope it didn't cause you too much pain in coming up with this stuff. Schtick kicks ass! Say that three times fast. ;)

Ari said...

Hey! I've done # 49, except they weren't Russian.

Also, I differ w/# 53. Your capacity for schtick crafting is too creative.

Weary Hag said...

As always, I like it, I like it!

Thanks for the treat, Dave.