Easter Ponderance

Am I the only one to ponder the synergistic opportunities that exist between the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? This could be one of the biggest mergers in history.

Just think, the Bunny could totally dominate the holiday world by providing Easter eggs not only on Easter, but any time you lose a tooth. He'd be a year-round character!

Every time a tooth is lost, (except in bar fights and accidents - those are not to be rewarded) the tooth fairy comes and picks it up... and leaves an Easter egg under the pillow on behalf of his long-eared friend. He then keeps the tooth until the first Sunday in April, (or whenever the Pope or God decides it should be that year) and delivers it to the parents of the kid. That way, for kids Easter happens at random times throughout their tooth-bearing years, and parents get a nice "toothter basket" once a year. The Rabbit saves gas, the Fairy gets more notoriety.

The only problem is selling them both on the concept... they are both rather egotistical and enjoy thier current exclusivity.

Now, how can we merge Santa and the Great Pumpkin? I have an idea... but I'll have to save it for another post. Right now I am late for a peep-eating contest. I think I have a good chance of winning - I've been training for months with shit-flavored packing peanuts.

Excuse me, but I think you've got my chair...

Over at the Castle of Nannbugg, the subject of office chairs came up today. I'm not sure why, but it fascinated me.

The place your butt spends most of its time needs to be comfortable... and friendly. (for some, it needs to be gas resistant as well) For most people, bed is second only to your office chair for amount of time spent hosting your ass. Some people use their office chairs for recreational sexual activities as well. (NOT by me, of course. *wink* *nudge*)

Anyway, I thought I'd post a picture of where I sit all day. It's in an office in the downstairs part of my house (I work from home) and it's very comfortable. It's a leather chair from Sam's Club, it's height-adjustable and it leans back... sometimes even when I don't want it to.

If you find the subject of office chairs as fascinating as I do, feel free to post a picture of your office environs/chair on your blog. Leave a link to it in the comments section, along with a job description if you feel like sharing that much info.

BS, AI, ME & ED

As Violet and I prepare for a trip to Mexico, we're going through the process of getting our passports.

The last time I went south of the border, I didn't need no stinking passports... only my birth certificate and photo ID. Now, thanks to the new rules designed to make life less libert-eri-ous, (new word, just go with it) there are even more hoops to jump through. Isn't it enough that I have to remove my shoes in the airport???

Plus... I can't legally bring home Cuban cigars. That's not to say I don't bring them home, mind you. Just not with the blessing of my Uncle.

Passports cost around 90 dollars each... plus 60 more if you want it expedited! It's just another tax, disguised as "Homeland Security."

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Tonight is performance night on American Idol.

I wonder what the average age of the Idol viewers is... considering Mowgli (Sanjaya) advanced for yet another week, I guess it's, like, like, like um, like, 10.

At one time, Idol was a really cool show that found America's most talented singers and gave them exposure they couldn't get on their own. Many non-winners have even signed their own record deals and sold shit-loads (shits-load?) of CDs.

This year, the talent pool is a little drier... and the single-digit-aged viewers have taken over the voting. Countless numbers of friends (okay, 3, but still...) have stopped watching. If my house weren't the designated AI viewing location for our group of friends, I would be watching Discovery HD instead. (that Planet Earth series is heli-cool) (that term is sooo 2002)

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Another political moment here. First let me say I'm hard to pin down. If I must have a label, it's independent.

Oil prices are falling - they are now below 65 dollars a barrel, (I can't believe I just said that) yet our "leaders" continue to drag their feet on finding alternative energy solutions.

Hey, rich, complacent assholes in Washington, D. C.! (aka congress) Get off your asses and do something productive! Let's get nuclear and solar and lose our dependence on the backward, camel-screwing assholes in the middle east.

Sons of bitches.

Somewhat related: When the democrats drafted legislation calling for the beginning of a troop withdrawl in Iraq, I was elated. There is nothing left to accomplish over there, those MFs need to be allowed to figure it out on their own. No freedom is free...

But the democrats screwed up. (shocking!) They decided that simple legislation wasn't good enough, so they added 24 BILLION in pork-barrel spending that wasn't even related to the war.

Pork-barrelling is a common practice designed to entice legislators who wouldn't ordinarily support a bill to jump on board. It's done all the time in D.C., which is why it smells like bullshit.

Quick example of extra spending tied to the Iraq funding bill: $5 million for payments to "aquaculture operations and other persons in the U.S. engaged in the business of breeding, rearing, or transporting live fish" (such as shellfish, oysters and clams) to cover economic losses incurred as a result of an emergency order issued by the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service on Oct. 24, 2006.

That's some grade-A crap.

Democrats aren't the only ones who do it, but never was there a more important time to send a clear message to the President that America is ready to call Iraq a victory (the cluster-fuck it was) and bring our people home.

And they blew it. The legislation they drafted has VETO written all over it.

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I think erectile dysfunction is similar to Alzheimer's. It's more difficult on the spouse than you.

Come on... by the time men experience it, sex is firmly behind golf and sleep on the priority list. Usually women are just entering their prime sexually.

I've experimented with the little blue pill, (what guy hasn't??) but I don't need it yet. Besides, I'm a "spur of the moment" guy. For me it would be hard to wait 30 minutes for it to kick in. What if a buddy calls with an invitation to golf... or I fall asleep?

Monday Mojo

I admire people who can do things for themselves.


My Grandfather gave me some good working knowledge of things like plumbing, carpentry, wood-working, electricity, roofing and mechanics. The thing he couldn't give me was the long-term confidence to tackle those things today.

I can do simple plumbing, wire switches and outlets, change oil, replace auto parts like alternators, plugs/wires, battery, even car windows (right, Dr. Mike?) but today I lack the tools to do many of those things, and I've lost some Mojo.

There is no spot for it on the periodic table of elements, but Mojo is real. For guys (also some women and of course Austin Powers) Mojo gives us the confidence to have great sex, lay some pipe (I'm talking literally here) and roof a house.

For me, most of my pending projects are well within my ability. I just have to find the Mojo to start them. It's hardly ever a lack of energy...

Or take the easy way out and hire them done.

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When we were on the road to Florida, I noticed a lot of "adult cafes" along the interstate that promised good food and naked women. I've never heard of a strip club that combined food and nudity - is this a new thing?

If not, there are NONE in Missouri. I might have to jump on this bandwagon and open a chain of "breastaurants" around here.

I smell opportunity (one dollar bill at a time) and chicken fried steak.

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We're headed to the post office this afternoon to get our passports, which we'll need in June to travel to Mexico.

If you plan on traveling anywhere outside the US, you'll need one too... and they are a PAIN in the ASS to get, especially if you're a woman who has been divorced. You have to show documentation for each marriage, each divorce, your birth certificate, photo ID and proof of residency. For guys it's only birth certificate, photo ID and proof of residency.

Thanks terrorists. You sons of bitches.

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I began the process of cleaning out my garage yesterday and it's unbelievable what guys save. For instance, I've never thrown away a screw. Sometimes after assembly of furniture, electronics or whatever, there are extra parts. I've never thrown any of them away... in case I need them someday. I have about 20 small, partial bottles of white glue, 12,000 single screws, 32 dowel pins and hundreds of washers.

I've NEVER needed any of it. And yet I keep them... just in case.

Well, screw that! (pardon the pun) I'm cleaning out all the BS. It's a work in progress, but soon my garage will be the most organized and clean part of the house. If only I had taken a "before" picture for comparison.

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I received confirmation of my medical condition last week. After running an exhaustive panel of blood tests, my doctor confirms what I feared.

It's the big MSD.

MSD is Medical Student's Disease. Apparently, when studying symptoms of ailments, medical students develop a tendency to believe they are experiencing many of them. I'm no med student, but I AM fascinated with medicine and consume health information ravenously. Apparently, that is a problem. Everything I read about, I imagine I have.

My doctor has prescribed avoiding websites such as WebMD, the New England Journal of Medicine and others.

Damn. That means it's back to porn.

Betsy II

Not much time to write this weekend, there are a lot of things going on. We've managed to keep busy every minute of both days... now we're headed over to Mikey's for the opening game of the Cardinals' regular season.

But I did manage to replace Betsy yesterday. After a couple of years lusting after the Chrysler 300, I broke down (pardon the car pun) and got one.
The Chrysler 300 SRT8. 425 hp, 20" wheels, 14 speakers including subwoofer. This car eats pavement for breakfast. It's a really great car and I'm happy. Again, it's a guy thing...

More stuff on Monday. Right now I have burgers/brats to eat and ball to watch. Have a great Sunday!

Farewell, sweet Betsy*

I'm in a sort of melancholy mood today because it's "turn-my-leased-vehicle-back-in" day. Later, I will part with my all-time favorite car. That's a big deal for a guy.

Cars are far more important to guys than girls. For women it's just a means of transportation. But men enter into a long-lasting relationship with their car. They take extra pride in keeping them clean, they nurse them back to health when they're sick... they buy nice things for them, like brush guards, chrome wheels and subwoofers. We do the same thing with riding mowers, only to a lesser degree. It's really kind of sweet.

So, today is kind of like a break-up. We both knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it easier. We'll hug one last time at the dealership, I'll give the bumper one last "damn, you're sexy" smack... and walk away. It's for the best... right? We're just too different.

And this time, I won't just jump into another relationship right away. No, this time I'm going to wait a while. I need my space. I need time to think.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world... she had to walk into mine."

*325 hp, 330 lb-ft of torque, 4.4-L, 32-valve, DOHC V8... 0-60 in 4.6 seconds... sniff sniff...

Things I learned on vacation...

1 - Four people aged 17 to 55 in the same vehicle have as much chance of sharing the same musical taste as Heather Mills has of winning an ass-kicking contest.
2 - You cannot take a Motorola Razr swimming with you.
3 - Cingular sells a good, cheap replacement phone that I am now using until the Apple iPhone comes out.
4 - My girlfriend is a statuesque, blonde, beautiful woman who looks amazing in a swim suit. (already knew this, but lying by the pool and on the beach was a fun reminder)
5 - All of the Melting Pot's restaurants smell the same.
5b - Large amounts of melted cheese and good colon function do NOT go hand in hand.
6 - The 61 dollar entry fee and 10 dollar parking at Busch Gardens-Tampa is a high price to pay for what ultimately is an expensive induction of vomiting.
7 - The Florida oranges they sell at grocery stores here in St. Louis are fresher and prettier than the ones they sell at those roadside stands in Florida... and much cheaper. WTF?
8 - Dr. Mike and Paula are great dog sitters.
9 - Driving 30 hours for vacation is a crazy concept when Southwest has freakin' 90-minute flights for $199 round trip.
10 - Even people in Florida hate American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar and can't wait for him to lose.

Vacation is great, but it's so damn nice to be back in my own bed. This week is a bitch at work... you know how it is. You spend an entire week after vacation playing catch-up.

Plus my tan's almost gone already.

Vacation - Day Four

(Dateline - Vero Beach, FL - Los Angeles Dodgertown Stadium)


"Mr. Pujols! You promised me an autograph."

Hunter, this cute little third-grader who was sitting next to me at the game shouted politely as Cardinals first baseman and perennial all star Albert Pujols walked past our front row seats at the Cards/Dodgers spring training game.


Albert looked over, recognized Hunter and walked over to keep his promise. The game was going on, but he had been pulled and sent to the locker room... we were ahead 6-0. So as he walked by us ready to call it a night, he made time to sign Hunter's Albert Pujols rookie card and probably 150 other autographs as people gathered for a glimpse and a souvenir. Albert didn't disappoint, he knows that fans are the reason the game is played. Some baseball players have forgotten that.

It made me a Pujols fan all over again. He stood there for a long time, even while the game was being played and balls were flying around us.


We had amazing seats, just beyond 1st base in the front row. Cards won 13-0. We had more fans at the game than the Dodgers did. I wasn't too surprised.

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After the game, we looked around for a restaurant by the water. They are surprisingly hard to find... the property is taken up by expensive beach-front houses and condos. We ended up at a place called South Beach Grille, which was about to close but the chef/manager came out and begged us to stay. They whipped us up steak, tilapia and amazing scallops... and combined with a dirty martini and a glass of Smoked Loon Pinot Noir, it was a great way to top off the night.

As we arrived back at the hotel, there were some fellow Cards fans sitting outside their rooms on the balcony partying. We were too tired to join in - we ended up crashing. Today we're headed to South Beach for more rays.

I hope I can keep the sand out of my trunks.

Vacation - Day Three

As I was pondering what to write this morning, it crossed my mind that NOBODY wants to read stories about your vacation. It makes everyone feel like SHIT because they are stuck in their day-to-day personal hells, while some jagoff is posting pictures and telling stories of lounging by a pool or lying on a beach drinking mai tais.

Well, suck it up bitches. Here's another post about my vacation.

As I'm having coffee on the lanai this morning, there are landscapers scouring the yard trimming trees, raking leaves and edging the grass. Guess what - every last one of them is speaking ENGLISH.

Back in St. Louis you can't find a landscaper that isn't carrying a green card... or a full-fledged illegal. Here, further south where you'd EXPECT to find Juan Rodriguez Morales Martinez operating the mower... you get Shecky Steinberg in your yard.

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Yesterday was very relaxing, we hung out poolside for a while, then played a game called Rummikub with Violet's family. (Vi and I were partners - we lost like DOGS) Then it was high-brow entertainment on DVD (Talladega Nights) and off to bed by midnight.

Today's schedule involves breakfast at the diner, more relaxation poolside, (expected high today of 75-80) and a quiet dinner with the family. Tomorrow everything breaks loose and we go crazy on a road-trip that will take us to a Cardinals spring-training game, Busch Gardens and a couple of fantastic beaches.

Travolta keeps calling my cell, he's starting to seem a little desperate. Everyone wants to be Dave's friend... do you have any idea what that kind of pressure does to a guy?

Here's a picture of John showing me the cockpit of one of his planes.

Being the geek I am, I will have the laptop with me, so expect almost real-time updates... because I know how people LOVE to read about vacations.

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When service is bad, I bitch. But when service is great, I applaud.

I bought a broadband internet card for my laptop recently from Sprint and this thing is the bomb. It delivers DSL speed and never drops a connection. It's GREAT service. If you need such a product, I recommend going with Sprint.

Vacation - Day One

The trouble with driving 14 hours from Missouri to Florida is that your underwear gets completely bunched up in your ass crack, you get sucked into convenience store vortices along the way where you purchase things you aren't normally interested in, such as Hostess Snowballs and those red hot fries with the picture of Andy Capp on the front, and you find out how goddamn long it takes to drive across Georgia.

And you discover that everyone in Atlanta drives like a blind, inconsiderate asshole who must be on the way to a fire. (eerie sidenote, we passed the overpass where the busload of baseball players plunged over the edge)

But the Hummer rode like a magic carpet, Emily's mom was entertaining and we discovered that none of us really like Abba. (we forced ourselves to listen to their "#1 Singles" CD all the way through, and although I recognized many of them, overall I'm not a fan. I mean, what the hell is Fernando about, really? And Money, Money, Money just sucks. But I do have what I would consider an unhealthy level of enjoyment of Dancing Queen)

We arrived in Ocala at around 9-ish and I got to meet Emily's Grandma, Aunt and Uncle... who are fabulous people. We are staying in one of the homes they own, which is a two bedroom place with an amazing lanai and all the upgrades. And to think I've been wasting time in hotel rooms all these years.

One of my policies on vacation is NOT to eat at franchise restaurants. I stick to locally-owned places where you'll find the freshest local foods and it's not the same old thing you can get back home. So we're getting ready to venture out for breakfast and a little shopping. I want to find a little diner with some eggs and potatoes, coffee and a newspaper.

I'll let you know what other kind of trouble we get into.

PS - did you know John Travolta lives in Ocala, Florida? We'll probably run into him while we're here. If so, I'll tell him how I really enjoyed Wild Hogs but Emily didn't, and he'll probably glare at her condescendingly for a moment, then John and I will go out and play golf and drink beers and become the best of friends.

A Grand Pie

On the Today Show this morning, I saw something that reminded me why we are reviled by many in the world.

As a kid, I remember times when my mom and I had only a Swanson's chicken pot pie for dinner... to share between us. Or a box of macaroni & cheese. Sometimes we didn't even have THAT much. Those were hard times, but we always bounced back.

It may seem strange, but I'm glad I experienced those times in my life. Nothing builds character and motivation better than being hungry. I never starved, but times were just hard enough that I am always thankful for what I have today.

Enter Nino's Bellisima, a restaurant in New York which is touting the world's most expensive pizza... and it's not your standard sausage & pepperoni. It's topped with creme fraiche, chives, eight ounces of four different kinds of Petrossian caviar, four ounces of thinly sliced Maine lobster tail, salmon roe, and a little bit of spice with wasabi.

One. Thousand. Dollars.

Look, I'm not trying to pretend I don't have things some might find excessive. I'm very fortunate to have a roof over my head, food in the kitchen, cars in my garage and some "extra" toys here and there.

But honestly... if I witnessed someone ordering that THOUSAND DOLLAR PIZZA, I might have to punch them in the face.

Intentional, blatant exhorbitance, especially with food, is ugly. It shows the worst of America, where one person spends enough on LUNCH to buy food for another for a year. Wouldn't a person be consumed with guilt while eating a pizza like that?

I don't mean to get on a rant here. I'm decidedly UNdecided on the subject of God, but if there is such an entity, I think he has his head buried in his hands. This sort of hedonism is out of hand.

I'm not suggesting a radical change of American lifestyle. A "what's mine is yours" type of socialism is antiproductive. We MUST be responsible for ourselves, while remaining helpful to those who fall on hard times.

But there MUST be a line. A thousand-dollar pizza is way over that line.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

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After a "windows/sunroof open" day yesterday, it's a "furnace on" morning.

We're headed to Florida next week for some spring training baseball and beach time... and when we get back I'll bet tree buds will be out. Spring comes fast here.

Cards/Dodgers in Vero Beach. I'm taking my glove, you never know when they'll ask me to step in at 3rd.

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When I went to Nashville a couple of weeks ago, I blogged each day about the activities that were taking place, but a friend of mine whined like a baby that I didn't mention him on my blog.

So here goes.

The week wouldn't have been the same without Dave Steele. Steele is my hero, I would be nothing without him. He made the week the fun it was, we all shared a room and he didn't even fart much... blah blah blah.

Satisfied Dave? Jesus. You'd think having a beautiful wife, two great daughters with one on the way, a fantastic home, successful voice over business and great job in radio would be enough. Greedy bastard.

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So Steak and BJ Day is gone for another year. I'd love to report how things went, but I'm going to remain quiet so as not to spoil next year's revelry...

Steak and BJ Day, 2007

Today - is a day for the guys.

It is widely known that February 14 is mainly a girl's holiday. She gets the roses, the dinner, the pampering...

Today is man's version of Valentine's Day. It's "Steak and a BJ" Day. Link, just to prove what I'm saying.

Gentlemen, it's time to gently remind your significant other what a nice guy you were one month ago today. Tell her how hard you worked to make that day so special.

Then tell her you have an appetite for beef. Tell her she should, too.

Finally, OUR day has come. You'll both get STEAK, and with a stroke of luck, she'll get dessert, too.

Happy Steak and BJ Day to all who happen across my lonely outpost this day.

It's TIME...

TO CELEBRATE!!!!

Cheese in all its forms

A song has been going through my head and it's driving me nuts. Especially frustrating is when you only know one little line:

"Anywhere I go, there's always something to remind me - of another place in time..."

Do you recognize it? It's the song from the Geico caveman commercial when he's in the airport on the moving sidewalk.

I did some research and found out it's by a Swedish duo called Royksopp, and the song is called "Remind Me."

Click here to hear the entire song stream.

So I downloaded it from iTunes. I don't know, it's a little cheesy but there's something catchy about it. It is one of those songs that makes me want to hop a plane and fly to an island somewhere.

Whenever I travel, I burn a CD to listen to on the way. I throw most of them away after the trip, but this will be a song I'll include on my next travel CD. I'll also include the new song by Kenny Chesney, "Beer in Mexico"... since my next trip of consequence is Playa del Carmen.

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We saw Wild Hogs over the weekend. Anyone seen it yet? It's a fun movie, and I thought of an analogy that fits it perfectly... Wild Hogs is to bikers... what City Slickers is to cowboys. The story line is almost identical.

It was a predictable movie, a little cheesy, but that didn't ruin it for me. The star of the show turns out to be William H. Macy. It reignited my desire to get a Harley. (or some kind of nice bike)

3 out of 5 stars.

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What's with cheese?*

I've been on a fast-food kick lately (which I need to break) and noticed that when you order a slice of cheese on something they charge you 40 cents. But, if you order a sandwich that usually comes with cheese and tell them to hold the cheese, they don't give you a rebate.

Bastards. Fast food is the only business where you get screwed either way you go. I think I'll just stick the unwanted cheese to the outside of the drive-thru window next time. I paid for it, I can do what I want.




*this question makes me feel like Jerry Seinfeld.

Anybody own a power washer?

A word of culinary caution:

Don't order the Hardee's #2 combo with 1/3 pound burger when you're trying to drive. I made this mistake today for lunch... I didn't realize those burgers contain 1/3 quart of mayo and a pint each of ketchup and mustard.

My sammitch also featured the large, gnarly lumps of hard-to-eat-while-driving lettuce, and was packaged with the well intentioned hand-sized paper wrap that tells me I got my money's worth, but does nothing toward making the burger easier to consume.

I now have condiments on my jeans, steering wheel and sun visor. Sesame seeds litter my cupholder and seat. I will now need to powerwash the interior of my ride.

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Included in an email (forward) from my Dad today:

"If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock."

My first thought was... "Gee, cell companies should be advertising this amazing feature!" Of course the email isn't even "remotely" correct. Snopes.com clears up the whole story.

So I wish I had checked Snopes prior to fiddling with my key fob and cell phone for an hour and forty-five freaking minutes today...

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One of my favorite television shows when I was a kid was Lost in Space. "Danger, Will Robinson, danger!"

I'm watching the movie right now, which was made in 1998... and it reminded me how much fun (and how cheesy) the television show was. So... um.

I downloaded a couple of the old episodes off of iTunes.

I. Have. No. Life.

Gotta run for now, I have something to watc... um, I mean. Laundry to do. And stuff.

Idol??? Hello???

Quick entry - it's a throw-away, but...


You have got to be fucking kidding me.

As an American Idol viewer, I have reached the conclusion that it is no longer a talent show, it's a popularity contest.

Sabrina Sloan was booted, while Haley Scarnato stayed in??

Again, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

I'm watching via Tivo delay right now, so the show is over, but I haven't seen who else is booted. If Sanjaya (Mowgli from Jungle Book) makes it, I will not be watching this show anymore... it will have proven itself a farce.

Who am I kidding... it's a joke of a show anyway.

I'm out...

Pardon me while I spew mucus

So my head is completely stopped up. I sound like freakin' Droopy Dog in my voice over sessions, and sleep is irregular at best. I feel somewhat better today though... we'll see.

The new bedroom furniture was delivered yesterday (Violet's coverage here) and it looks great. The room is freshly painted and I transferred my underwear to the proper drawers.

Anybody else have a sorting routine for your clothes? Some might think I take it too far... I have one drawer for v-neck t-shirts, another for crew-necks, another one for colored t-shirts, still a separate drawer for t-shirts with words or art on them. Then I have separate drawers for white and colored socks, and separate drawers for boxers and boxer/briefs. I am a very organized person.

My closet is separated into different sections - one for plaid short-sleeve shirts, one for hawaiian vacation shirts, still another for long-sleeved shirts of all colors, another for only white long-sleeved shirts. A section for jeans, a section for black pants, and yet another section for khaki pants. I take from the right, put back to the left, and when the item has been worn twice (or once if I've been to Chevy's) I put it in the dry-clean or dirty clothes hamper. (those are separate too)

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I generally try to pay bills twice a month. Today's bills include mortgage, credit card, child support, electricity, car, Hummer, Sam's Club, condo fee, phone bill. Jeezus, I need to learn moderation...

Speaking of, it's time to turn in my leased BMW. When I first got it, I needed two cars. For the past 6 months, I've barely driven it. I totally love this car - it's a 745Li with every option known to man. It goes zero to sixty in 4-point-something, has the greatest sound system I've ever heard, and has been the car I wanted for most of my life. I'm glad I got it.

Having said that, being rid of it will result in massive extra money per month, which I'm fairly sure Violet will want me to spend on bling. (she's not really that type)

I really want a two-seat convertible for the summer, maybe I'll make a move when it gets warm. I just need a fun warm-weather car of some kind... and it doesn't look like we're getting the VW Microbus I wanted.

Thin boob line

This made me laugh:

It's a screen shot of my site meter page, showing that someone from the L-A Sheriff's office came across my blog by searching the term "boobs." Nice, guys.

Can't you go out and stop some female speeder to see those? "I clocked you going 38 in a 35, but if you'll show me those, we can make this whole thing go away."

It's notable that they spent almost 20 minutes looking at them, and did so in fairly robust* 1024x768 screen resolution and 32 bit color.

Ain't cops all the same? ;)


*Yeah I get it - do you?

Gooooooood Mornin'!

Nashville was a blur last week, and aside from an extreme lack of sleep, I feel pretty good. I must learn that my body is no longer 20... it's like 8 years older than that. I can no longer work all day, party all night and sleep for 3 or 4 hours, for 5 days in a row.

Well actually I guess I can.

At a party Saturday night I mentioned to some poker buddies that my new furniture is coming a few weeks earlier than expected, and will be delivered Wednesday. I was going to paint the bedroom first, while it's practically empty, but now with the earlier delivery date it would be impossible.

One of the guys says that maybe we should have a painting party the next morning and get it knocked out. Ridiculous idea, I thought... the bedroom in question has cathedral ceilings, interesting angles, ledges, corners, bay windows... all of which make it a painting challenge. I figured I would have to hire it done at a later date.

Not acceptable to this group. 'Course we were drinking.

The next morning at 11 am sharp (after I completely lost my ass and half my possessions in that poker game) Ada, Dr. Mike, Mikey, Mike, (yes, three Mikes) and Diana show up and we wet the first brush. In 2.5 hours the entire room was done, looked like a million dollars, (minus the money I had lost the night before) and I was reminded of how much I owe my friends for being there when I need a hand.

Thing is, they all know I would (and will) do the same for them. That's how the group is. We decided yesterday that none of us would hire painters for any reason... we'll all just reconvene. The brotherhood of the paint.

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When you're out of pocket the news really piles up. I guess Anna Nicole is buried and Britney is trying to join her now? Oh, and Microsoft debuts a bigger Xbox memory unit. Good thing I checked my start page at MSN, otherwise I wouldn't know about these important developments.

This is where I avoid launching into a "what qualifies as news these days" tirade.

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Since getting home from the trip, I have a lot of catching up to do so I'm getting started now. I'll be back around later to pick up your cans, peanut wrappers and headphones. (obvious flight-attendant reference but I have no idea why)

C-R-S, Day Three - Laying Further Waste to a City

(Nashville, TN) - More of the city's defenses were broken down last night, as Violet and I infiltrated Ruth's Chris Steakhouse with friends (l-r) Dave, me, Emily, Kim, Jeff and Billy. I tore up a perfectly good NY strip steak and killed a poor, defenseless lobster.

Then, with bellies full and livers working overtime, we headed over to a private concert and mixer with Keith Urban. He is fresh off a stint in rehab and doing really well. I can't imagine a life on the road and the challenges it presents, but Keith is a great guy and he'll be fine. I'm really proud of him. Besides, he's married to freakin' Nicole Kidman.

I've mentioned that Nashville now has a smoking ban in effect, and all around our hotel there are signs that sell the virtues of something called Nicogel - a hand gel which contains nicotine... rub it on and get your fix. I've certainly "milked" the whole concept of killing two birds with one stone by masturbating with it. Problem is, you'd really want to follow that up with a cigarette.

Morris... out.

C-R-S, Day Two - Laying Waste To A City

Day TWO in Nashville went well - and by "well," I mean my bar tab was under $200 for the second consecutive day. Lots of old record reps and friends are doing the buying this year, and I can't pretend to be disappointed.

Here is Violet with one of her favorite artists, Jewel. Yeah, she's a pop star, but she's big into country music, and is an amazing writer.

A country songwriter friend of mine... we'll just call him "Wynn" (because that's his name)... told me a story last night about his first writing collaboration with Jewel. "I shit myself," he said. My reply, "I'll bet you did, it must be cool to write with Jewel."

"No, I actually shit myself. I 'sharted' right then and there - had to go change my pants." You have to know Wynn to realize how hilarious this story is.

Violet and me at the Bridge Bar. Others in the bar at the time were... Toby Keith, Jake Owen, some of Chris LeDoux's old band... and this dude.

Yeah. THE Geico caveman. His words to me, "it's so easy, even a voiceover guy can do it." That smart-ass bastard...

I'll check back in with further updates as the situation warrants. Tonight we hang out with Keith Urban, Gretchen Wilson and a few others to be named later.

Hey Radio Randy, email me so we can hook up, it would be a shame not to have coffee when we're in the same town...