A smattering of photos (and by "smattering" I mean two)

While the van was in the shop getting $2,100 in repairs for a hit-and-run, I rented this:


It made me miss my old pickup. The Toyota Tundra is a really nice truck, but got really bad mileage. I'd prefer the Tacoma if forced to choose one.

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Last weekend I made my famous Skidmark Chili. It was probably the best batch I've ever made, with just the right mixture of savory, sweet and hot. It's very chunky and features five kinds of meat.

Dr. Mike printed up a shirt to commemorate the event.


Yeah that's right. I'm smooth.

Crash, bang, crack 'em up, put 'em back again

Sometimes I think our two vehicles are unwitting toys in a huge Smash-Up Derby.

As I was wiping off the front of the van after a wash a few days ago, I discovered it had been hit. Less than three thousand miles on it and it's already in the body shop.

Damn, that's all.

I'd love to have one of those dash cams and get the license plate of the person who hit the van. It would be lovely to send Officer Friendly to visit them and extract the $1,600 it's going to cost to fix the grill and bumper.

I'm a freak about taking care of a vehicle. I keep them clean, change the oil when it's needed and repair the least little thing that breaks. You pay a lot for a car so you might as well keep it ship shape.

Here are a few tips. You shouldn't have to touch the outside of your car unless you're washing it. Rubbing up against it causes scratches, and sitting metal or hard plastic items on the hood harms the paint.

The cups they give you at McDonalds leak, so if they're left in the cupholder, expect a sticky mess. (While we're on the subject of cupholders, they aren't change repositories.) Leaving bug juice on your car long-term will cause permanent marks. The trunk isn't a mobile storage space.

Don't get me wrong, I still leave shit in the trunk and an occasional cup in the cupholder. My bad!

Ox cart, meet space shuttle

Personal transportation has become an experience.

When we were on the road yesterday, I noticed that nobody had their car windows open. Back in the day, it was unusual to see a window closed. When you did, you'd know the lucky son-of-a-bitch had air conditioning.

My first car, which belonged to my grandparents for years prior to being sold to my Aunt Sharon, then being kindly donated to me, was a 1965 Dodge Coronet.

Let me describe the "experience" of driving it: Get in, bypass the seatbelt (they were long buried in the crack and would have required an archaeologist to remove) and adjust the seat. (the entire bench moves) Start the car and let the engine warm up a little so it won't stall.

Turn the AM radio on. Listen to the crackle and broken signal for a few seconds. Slap the dashboard to try to make the radio work. Give up and turn it off, since it hasn't worked properly for years. Put the car in drive and go. Use a map to get where you're going, or stop at a gas station for directions.

That's it. No air conditioning, no radio, nothing. It was simply a means of getting from point A to point B.

Fast foward to today's experience: get the baby's diaper bag, bouncer and other equipment ready to go. From inside the house, click the auto-start button on the van and get the cabin temperature to 68 before stepping out into the heat.

Push a button to open the doors, load the stuff in. Get in, set the GPS to our destination address and watch as it reroutes us based on real-time traffic conditions. (a new Sirius feature)

Back out of the driveway with the help of the reverse camera and object sensing radar. Either hit 'play' on the iPod, choose a playlist from the 30 gig hard drive built into the vehicle, turn on Sirius radio, play a DVD or watch Sirius TV on one of the three video monitors. (yes, they now have satellite television in vehicles)

Or you could go retro and choose AM or FM radio.

Make a phone call to your friends through the built-in microphone and speaker system (via bluetooth through the cell phone in your pocket), and let them know you're on the way.

Whoops, there was no time to use the breast pump before leaving, so plug it into the 115-volt outlet on the wall of the van and pump as you go. I'll try to avoid driving alongside an 18-wheeler at this time, since they can see right into the vehicle.

That was us yesterday. Next year, Chrysler will have broadband internet service built into their vehicles, with WiFi. Each equipped vehicle will be its own "hot spot."

Personal transportation has definitely changed.... it's the freakin' Jetsons. Sometimes I just want to turn everything off, roll down the windows and drive. "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!!!"

My Sad Driveway

Before:
After:
What the hell. In two years, I've gone from a free-wheeling, red blooded, single, Hummer driving male... to a mi....... um, mini.................. uh. A van driver.

The things that changed my mind:

1 - The ecology. There, I said it. I don't drive a lot of miles, but the new vehicle is much more fuel-efficient, while still packing over 250 horsepower.

2 - Grayson wouldn't be able to climb into the Hummer by himself for eight years.

3 - GM is considering stopping production of the H2 for a while, and possibly indefinitely. The winds of change are blowing... and it was either trade it in or keep it forever. Its value would have plummetted.

4 - I'm no longer a free-wheeling, single guy. This min.... um, mini.... uh, this van is fine for our family, and will provide room for growth. (if Em talks me into another child)

5 - My driveway is breathing a sigh of relief, since it's no longer supporting over four tons of metal and rubber.

The 2008 Town & Country has the new "swivel 'n go" seating, which allows five passengers in the rear to sit facing each other with a table in the middle. Check it out.

For several years, the Town & Country has been the only "cool" mini van on the market. I'm happy with our decision.

And yet... now I have to worry about snow, curbs and not getting that awestruck look from kids.


I was sad when my BMW lease was up, but this is even worse. Goodbye old friend.

Bailing wire and chewing gum feeling "left out"

I drove my Chrysler 300 SRT8 on the trip to Columbia yesterday. It gets better mileage (by just a little) than the Hummer and has an input for my iPod, so that made the decision easy.

About 30 seconds after I headed west on the interstate, I heard a loud flapping noise. I immediately pulled over, but I already knew what it was.

Some background - the Chrysler 300 SRT8 is a freaking beast. It produces 425 HP from a bored out 6.1 liter, Mercedes Benz-built Hemi V-8 (zero to 60 in 4.7 seconds) and is one of the last of the American muscle cars. I've raced mine twice (impromptu fashion at a stoplight) and never had to put the pedal to the floor. Honestly, you'd have to spend 100 grand for a factory vehicle that can beat this Chrysler.

Trouble is, it has a really low profile front spoiler. Sometimes it's impossible NOT to hit it against the concrete barriers in parking lots. Which is exactly what we did the last time we drove it.

The undercarriage piece had popped out of place and was catching the wind. I pulled over onto the shoulder, did some tucking and popping into place and thought I had fixed it, but in about 120 miles my handy-work came undone. I was out in the middle of nowhere with a top speed of 20 mph before the panel would start flapping against the inside of the tire.

So I did the only thing I could do... I bought some duct tape off a guy and used it to fix my car. I can't decide if that's a new high or low for me, but it happened. I made it home with a 2.99 roll of tape.

Screw you, McGyver.

"It takes a long time to grow young" - Pablo Picasso

It was a great day to turn 44!

Last night, Em's mom and grandmother came and brought dinner, along with a nice strawberry shortcake. Is there anything like fresh strawberries on angel food cake?

Neither Pauline nor Wilma (isn't that the greatest gramma name ever?) could decide on a card, so they both got me two, and between them they contained $150. Um... thanks for the cash, but did I really need FOUR paper reminders I'm 44?

No seriously, thanks for the cash, I'm going to use it toward a brush guard for my Hummer. I must find a way to keep all that brush off my grill. When Emily tells me I don't need a guard because I never take it off-road, I tell her I never take it off-road because I don't have a guard.

She accuses me of being a "West County" Hummer driver. That's not very nice.

Anyway, today I spent the day with my son, then the lovely Em and I snuck out to dinner while her mother watched Grayson. We went to Bristol's for seafood.

All in all, it was a nice birthday. I'm wrapping it up by catching up on Tivo'd shows while watching my son snooze in his bouncer. A great way to end the day...

A couple of shots of Mini-Me.

Sparky chillin' out on the dog Uncle Gary got him.
Snuggling with daddy in my office one day after work.

Back in the day

"Woem 2 you old friend... Greetings from Kermit."

The subject line of the email left no doubt in my mind who was writing. An old buddy from high school was Googling his own name (haven't we all) and it pulled up a blog entry I wrote a few years ago, so he emailed to catch up a little. We haven't talked in twenty years. The internet (and specifically the free access that blogging provides) is so freaking cool!

Ironically, I had Googled this buddy a few times through the years and came up with nothing. That he found me in reverse fashion is nothing short of miraculous, I'd say.

A nickname I developed in high school was Woem. It's meow backwards, a reference to my last name, Morris - which was the famous Nine Lives cat. We must have done a million 'ludes to get to Woem.

Quick "Kermit" story. Clintoris, Kermit and I went camping one weekend at somebody's cabin out in the woods. Most of the night and morning were spent imbibing various illicit substances and by the time we had packed up to go home, we had developed a fairly profound case of insobriety.

At the time, I was driving a pretty sweet 1965 Dodge Coronet with a .318 8-cyclinder. On the twenty mile trip back, buzzing like a saw from the Coors, Kermit decided to reach over and shove the shifter into park. Trouble was, I was driving 40 at the time.

Meanwhile, we had gotten the engine really wet and one of the cylinders had stopped firing... so by the time I dropped the guys off, I had only 2 forward gears and 7 cyclinders to get me home.

The next Monday I bought my '73 Gran Torino. That helped me get over being pissed at Kermit.

He and I also used to share a flask of Southern Comfort during band class occasionally. We never got caught, and I have no idea how.

Sometimes I miss being a kid and living in the country. Things were simple - no worries at all. That's only an illusion, of course... but still.

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We've settled on a name for our son. I'll let you know what it is as soon as he's born. We're only a few days away...

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I had to replace my good camera (it died for some reason) this week, and ended up with a really sweet Canon SLR. It's the EOS 40D, and I'm loving it.

We'll save a fortune on photographers for Sparky alone. All I need is a backdrop, some lights and ... um, what else was it again? Oh yeah, photography skills.

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We're getting ready to pour a patio behind the villa and build some stairs down to it from the deck. We want to open up the backyard for Sparky to play in and for entertaining. I have my eye on the sweetest freaking grill you've ever seen. If you're a guy, get a drool rag because I'm posting a picture. They've run me out of Home Depot three times for loitering nearby:


There are freaking spotlights on that hood that shine down on your sizzling steaks. Sweet-ass sweet!

So my point to Em is, Father's Day is coming up, right? My birthday too. You can combine the two and I won't even be pissed.

Insurance sucks. Wii rules. Did I mention insurance sucks?

I knew I disliked living in this area for SOME reason... (no offense to minivan owners, it's just a thing for me)


This confirms why. Fuzzy picture because I had to snap a pic from the television.

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Honesty is not the best "policy."

When applying for health insurance, do yourself a favor, if you don't already - lie about everything. Pre-existing conditions, pending babies, recent colds... everything.

Recently, when filling out an application for individual insurance, I (mistakenly) answered the questions honestly. I admitted we were having a baby.

Apparently in Missouri, when an insured person has a child, their insurance company is required by law to cover the baby from birth to a certain age. Therefore, if they approved my application, they might be liable if we have any kind of problems with the baby.

They declined me in SPITE of the fact that we're insuring the baby through Em's work insurance.

Fucking blood-sucking bastards. Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield is the culprit, but I'm sure it doesn't matter WHO you apply with. They are all the same, sadly.

For the moment, I am without health insurance. Oh, and if you ever WANT health insurance, do yourself the favor and DON'T call anyone at the Brooke Insurance & Financial Services agency. They are a waste of time.

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Life is GREAT right now! Things are coming together around the house, Em is ever-so-slightly showing, which makes her even more beautiful, and I'm almost caught up with paperwork and stuff in my office.

We're starting to put money away for the baby and wedding, so Emily is insisting I DON'T buy a Nintendo Wii. But the more I play with Dr. Mike's Wii (that didn't sound right) the more I think I will sneak to Best Buy early one morning and grab one.

Yeah that's what I said.*

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I'm about to kick off the weekend. First, I will go to McGurk's outside patio and have 2 martinis and an order of wings or rings. (or lings, if you're asian) Then I plan to relax a lot this weekend, probably watch some television, maybe go on a bike ride. Weather will be perfect, 78 degrees both days.

Have a great one.

*of course I will have to deal with Em's wrath, but hey, I'm 40-something. I do what I want.

Farewell, sweet Betsy*

I'm in a sort of melancholy mood today because it's "turn-my-leased-vehicle-back-in" day. Later, I will part with my all-time favorite car. That's a big deal for a guy.

Cars are far more important to guys than girls. For women it's just a means of transportation. But men enter into a long-lasting relationship with their car. They take extra pride in keeping them clean, they nurse them back to health when they're sick... they buy nice things for them, like brush guards, chrome wheels and subwoofers. We do the same thing with riding mowers, only to a lesser degree. It's really kind of sweet.

So, today is kind of like a break-up. We both knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it easier. We'll hug one last time at the dealership, I'll give the bumper one last "damn, you're sexy" smack... and walk away. It's for the best... right? We're just too different.

And this time, I won't just jump into another relationship right away. No, this time I'm going to wait a while. I need my space. I need time to think.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world... she had to walk into mine."

*325 hp, 330 lb-ft of torque, 4.4-L, 32-valve, DOHC V8... 0-60 in 4.6 seconds... sniff sniff...