Saturday, February 24, 2007

It's 3 am, I must be ... awake

"I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis, and all of a sudden... I'm thinking 'Oh my God, I'm turning into my mother!'" - Sarah Silverman

I'm watching her Showtime stand-up special and it's pretty funny, but I'd totally rather be punching my pillow into just the right shape and then drooling on it... or drinking insane amounts of Captain and Cokes... because those are the types of things you do at 3 am.

Three of the last five nights have been the same. I wake up at 3, usually from a really weird dream. I lay there in the dark, listening to the train pass about 2 miles away and wonder how the people who buy a condo right by the tracks (an entire complex is currently being built) will ever sleep. That goddamn train goes through three times between 1 and 5 am.

Then I think about how I feel right now, checking for pain anywhere in my body - and if I find a few pains, wonder what they mean. I am a borderline hypochondriac. Yes, there MUST be something wrong if I have symptoms.

By now I'm comletely awake, so I open my laptop and start worrying.

WebMD is the satan of the online experience. It makes a hypochondriac like me completely ape-shit. (click) Lupus. (click) Lymphoma. I start reading, and suddenly I'm having every symptom that points to Lymphoma. The power of suggestion is strong with hypochondriacs. So I start reading about survival rates, thinking about what to do with my life insurance payout, who I should trust to distribute it... shit, I wonder if I can get some of it before I die. I have a million in life insurance coverage - I could do some major vacationing before I kick it.

This thought pattern starts a panic attack. My stomach hurts and I start sweating a little. OMG, both 'stomach ache' and 'sweating' are on the symptoms page! (click) (click) (click) click) Soon, I am also dying of a brain tumor, with a side of gout.

Screw you, WebMD. I feel like Al Pacino in Insomnia.

The Ambien is starting to work. I'm now seeing double, my eyelids are drooping and I'm now slouched over my machine. Don't get me wrong, I'm still convinced I have some disease, but soon I will be able to sleep on it.

Oh great, here comes another train.

EDIT: in the light of morning, I realized I had rambled on and on about disease as if I really thought I have something. I do not, of course. Those kinds of things tend to sneak in your mind when it's 3 am and you're sleep deprived and sitting in a quiet living room, just you, a lamp and your laptop. So Mom, I know you're reading this - I'm fine!

One more thing before I drift back to sleep - apparently American Idol's Antonella Barba, the one I thought would be voted out in the first week, might be pushed out in another way.

I believe she can get expelled by this sort of picture, and there are others to see here. I'd look for some sort of shake-up this week. At least it will be interesting. Thanks to Steve Mays, who pointed me to the pics.


Amandarama said...

Yeah, I feel your insomnia pain. I've been up for a while and it's entirely too early.

Blogarita said...

You get used to the trains. Our last place was about 2 blocks from the tracks and when we moved here, we actually missed them.

Ari said...

LOVE the new Thoreau quote.

I used to live behind the train tracks when I was a kid and I remember how loud and scary those train horns used to be in the middle of the night. I wonder if I was on the "right" or "wrong" side??? hmm....

blakbyrd797 said...

I do the hypochondriac thing, only I usually am researching a specific symptom that is just vague enough to point to a dozen ailments and conditions, all of them fatal or at least damn horrible. Like, try looking up a reocurring itchy rash on one side of your body, or a feeling of pressure in your eye. Scary shit, man. I may or may not be going blind.

Fortunately, I also do the martyr thing, so when I do find a disease that I'm potentially going to die from, I sigh and say OH WELL, I GUESS I DESERVE IT and forge ahead. Balances out quite well!

BrideOfPorkins said...

After diagnosing myself with Alzheimer's and a brain tumor, I made it a rule not to look up or write about health issues after 10PM. I'm almost entirely cured. :)

I can't yet decide who I like this year, but the way Antonella Barba stayed on Idol last week makes me think she might have loads of fans from those pictures. With any luck those fans will be too busy "admiring" her pictures to dial the phone this week. Time will tell.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Have you seen Silverman's Comedy Central show? It's somewhere's between sophomoric and brilliant, I can't decide which, yet, I keep stumbling upon her show and stay transfixed like seeing a bloody train wreck...