Today is Tuesday, May 2, 2006:

4:15 am - Wake up after horrible nightmare wherein my taxes were due, my bank balance was off by a grand, and I was screwed in a nasty divorce... to realize I wasn't sleeping.

4:16 am - Roll around pondering where the hell that thousand dollars went and how any woman could ever divorce a guy like me. Get up and make coffee.

5:01 am - Coffee is smelling up the place pretty good by now. Step outside onto the deck to watch the morning steam rise off the lake, and see the geese shitting all over my petunias.

5:02 am - Retrieve firearm from nightstand, wipe spiderwebs off my face, point firearm threateningly at the geese. They don't seem to care, so replace firearm in nightstand and notice facial twitch is worsening.

5:15 am - Begin planning my day.

5:16 am - Scrap the planning of my day, pour first cup of coffee, make a heart design in the creamy foam to remind me to love myself and dismiss my flaws. Long morning fart, brush teeth.

5:20 am - Make note to see doctor about the voices.

5:30 am - Open laptop, scour internet for any piece of good news. Realize my futility, start reading bad news.

5:45 am - Second cup of coffee, this time with lightning bolt shape in foam, float second long air biscuit.

6:00 am - Self loathing begins, just a few minutes earlier than yesterday. Read several blogs.

6:30 am - Shower, shave, apply baby oil to massive biceps/pecs/abs. Realize I don't have massive biceps/pecs/abs, towel off the oil.

7:00 am - Enter recording studio, read... er, I mean dramatically interpret, scripts for a hundred great radio stations worldwide who entrust me with their image. Thank Mother Mary I have fooled so many of them into believing I can adequately do this.

***this is where I am now - the rest of the schedule is best guess for what I will do the rest of the day***

9:00 am - Take a break, read Newsweek magazine. And by Newsweek, of course I mean Penthouse Forum. Think about how each of the letters are really true, and that everybody except me has nailed their cleaning lady on the hood of their car while the lawn boy runs the camcorder.

9:10 am - Back to work with the "dramatic interpretation."

12:00 noon - Go upstairs to kitchen, glance at Lupita the cleaning lady funny for a moment, then realize she's just not nailing-on-the-hood-of-the-car material. Besides, I would be breaking all kinds of social rules and a certain blonde would kick my ass.

12:01 pm - Assemble a turkey sandwich with chipotle mayo, cheese, lettuce, bacon and onion. Consume ravenously 'til gone. Repeat procedure.

12:30 pm - Take off my work uniform (robe) and put on street clothes. (cargo shorts, flipflops, wrinkled shirt) Depart for KSD, (93.7 The Bull) where I will be charged with entertaining 100,000 St. Louis commuters on their ride home. And by entertain, of course I mean read funny shit that I paid a guy to write for me, because I haven't an ounce of originality, creativity or talent.

7:00 pm - Drive home anticipating American Idol, hating myself because I'm not Ryan Seacrest, and hoping against hopes that Katharine McPhee has another wardrobe malfunction.

8:00 pm - Slip into a Red Bull/vodka haze as House, M. D. comes on, hate myself because I'm not Hugh Laurie.

9:00 pm - Go to bed, realizing that I have the best life ever and I'm the luckiest sonofabitch on earth. Or at least that I AM a sonofabitch.