Sunday, May 14, 2006

Dave's "Ways to Make the World a Better Place"

  1. Stop naming mobile home parks anything with words like "estates" in it. Shady Lane Estates? Rolling Acres? Pleasant Plantation? Name them appropriately - Firetrap Tornado Hole Park. (no offense to those who live in mobile homes, I used to own one... but at least I was pragmatic about it)
  2. 2. Slow down on the building of strip malls. For godsake, I pass a million of them every day that are empty... yet right next door, a brand new one is going up. Give it a rest, developers. Use that acreage for something we REALLY need, like 4 extra lanes. Or, how about this... strip CLUBS instead of strip MALLS.
  3. Stop it already with the 9/10ths BS at the gas pump. I can understand using that deceptive tactic 40 years ago... if gas is a quarter, an extra 9/10ths is a pretty substantial 3.85 percent of pure deceit. Now that gas is 3 bucks a gallon, the 9/10ths is nothing more than an insult to those of us who don't own an oil company. Screw you, fat bastard Exxon/Mobil CEO. Shove your 9/10ths where the solar-powered sun don't shine.
  4. 4. Stop spending research money on cures for acne, until we find a cure for cancer or AIDS or jock itch. Kids, zits are a part of life, deal with it... but I can't be seen in Kroger with my hand down my pants digging for gold any longer. (seriously, if we spent half the money on cancer research that we spend on feasibility studies for the preservation of the Oregon newt, or whether it will be right to drill for oil in Alaska, or how to alleviate "restless leg syndrome," we'd be home free) (and what the HELL is "restless leg syndrome?" Is it really important to have a drug for something that can be cured by a brisk walk around the house, when millions of people are dying every year from cancer?) (truly, get a grip... one kills you, the other is called "heebie jeebies.") (we also need to use fewer parentheses)
  5. If you're tired of high gas prices, don't start the car and drive 2/10 of a mile to pick up your kid from the neighbor's house. Have him hoof his little ass back up the street like I did. I wore the tires off my bike when I was a kid... and that was just from running to the store for my mom's cigarettes and tampons. It didn't kill me to walk or ride my bike the two blocks to Todd Dialioso's house so we could look at his sister in her bikini and wonder why our balls tingled.
  6. If you're going to post a list of things on a blog, have more than five godamn things to say. It's enough of an injustice to expect people to take their valuable time to click over to your "writer-never-will-be" spot on the internet, without disappointing them by posting a few useless, recycled thoughts from a bored, self-absorbed jagoff. (whoa, that one hits home)

15 comments:

Violet said...

you's gots some purty good math skills up there on that gas thing... 3.85%? how come you didn't post what the percentage is now? didn't take college algebra?

Dave Morris said...

"Vi," I notice you didn't go out of your way to post the answer.

It's somewhere around a quarter of a percent, but I can't figure it exactly, because my calculator is gas-powered.

phoenix said...

Did Vi wake up on the wrong side of the trailer park?

Blogarita said...

I had such a crush on Todd Dialioso in 7th grade! I didn't know you guys had tingly balls, though.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

There is no "Oregon newt." But we do have bicycles.

Amandarama said...

...don't start the car and drive 2/10 of a mile to pick up your kid from the neighbor's house...

Amen. And stop having school busses that stop every three houses because baby can't walk from the corner the 1/4 mile to his house that the rest of us were capable of walking at his age.

Nobody said...

That 9/10 of a cent thing really pisses me off. If I buy exactly one gallon of gas, shouldn't they owe me 1/10 of a cent in change? Fuckers never it give it to me.

Chicken said...

"It didn't kill me to walk or ride my bike the two blocks to Todd Dialioso's house so we could look at his sister in her bikini and wonder why our balls tingled."

That really brightened my morning. :-)

Mishka said...

Nice post, love the lists...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great list. The world's a better place just by having this list in it.

Eve said...

OMG- I used to ride my bike EVERYWHERE?! Mile upon mile. I mean, are we parents just more paranoid... or are our kids lazy asses?!

greeny said...

EGADS! #10 means you've read MY blog! And here I was all ready to give you compliments for such kick-ass funny writing...

Dave Morris said...

Greeny, I'm not sure what that means. I had never been to your blog before, but have now and it's quite enjoyable. I don't know what you're referring to about #10 tho... can you help enlighten a guy?

greeny said...

Whoops. 'Scuse but I was not paying attention to the number of items on your "list" (thot it was 10) and skimed, chuckled and posted a comment before moving on. You mentioned in #6 of said list not to bother posting useless, mindless (my take) info and I was just jokingly saying you must be referring to my blog posts.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Yanno that pic reminds me of a bit a local dj had mentioned a scenario where he was with a girl, who was all hot and they were about to get "down to it," and as he undressed her, he ran his hand down her back and it felt like, and I quote, "A Nestle Crunch bar."

BLEH!!!