Dave's "Ways to Make the World a Better Place"

1. Stop naming mobile home parks anything with words like "estates" in it. Shady Lane Estates? Rolling Acres? Pleasant Plantation? Name them appropriately - Firetrap Tornado Hole Park. (no offense to those who live in mobile homes, I used to own one... but at least I was pragmatic about it)
2. 2. Slow down on the building of strip malls. For godsake, I pass a million of them every day that are empty... yet right next door, a brand new one is going up. Give it a rest, developers. Use that acreage for something we REALLY need, like 4 extra lanes. Or, how about this... strip CLUBS instead of strip MALLS.
3. Stop it already with the 9/10ths BS at the gas pump. I can understand using that deceptive tactic 40 years ago... if gas is a quarter, an extra 9/10ths is a pretty substantial 3.85 percent of pure deceit. Now that gas is 3 bucks a gallon, the 9/10ths is nothing more than an insult to those of us who don't own an oil company. Screw you, fat bastard Exxon/Mobil CEO. Shove your 9/10ths where the solar-powered sun don't shine.
4. 4. Stop spending research money on cures for acne, until we find a cure for cancer or AIDS or jock itch. Kids, zits are a part of life, deal with it... but I can't be seen in Kroger with my hand down my pants digging for gold any longer. (seriously, if we spent half the money on cancer research that we spend on feasibility studies for the preservation of the Oregon newt, or whether it will be right to drill for oil in Alaska, or how to alleviate "restless leg syndrome," we'd be home free) (and what the HELL is "restless leg syndrome?" Is it really important to have a drug for something that can be cured by a brisk walk around the house, when millions of people are dying every year from cancer?) (truly, get a grip... one kills you, the other is called "heebie jeebies.") (we also need to use fewer parentheses)
5. If you're tired of high gas prices, don't start the car and drive 2/10 of a mile to pick up your kid from the neighbor's house. Have him hoof his little ass back up the street like I did. I wore the tires off my bike when I was a kid... and that was just from running to the store for my mom's cigarettes and tampons. It didn't kill me to walk or ride my bike the two blocks to Todd Dialioso's house so we could look at his sister in her bikini and wonder why our balls tingled.
6. If you're going to post a list of things on a blog, have more than five godamn things to say. It's enough of an injustice to expect people to take their valuable time to click over to your "writer-never-will-be" spot on the internet, without disappointing them by posting a few useless, recycled thoughts from a bored, self-absorbed jagoff. (whoa, that one hits home)