My friend Bug's Butt wrote a brilliant blog entry today about the cumbersome, foiblish relationship the elderly have with the remote control.
My mind occasionally (and by occasionally, I mean always) needs outside stimuli to produce cognizant, lucid thought - and Bug's piece was the catalyst. Why, I thought, should the remote control be limited to televisions and DVD players, when they could serve a perfectly good purpose in other aspects of life?
For instance, I believe there should be a remote to turn on the girlfriend or spouse. "What, honey... not in the mood tonight?" *click* "How 'bout now?"
In a related area, sometimes men just don't have the energy to masturbate. There should be a remote for that, too... just hit the 'ejaculate' button. Then, the 'roll over and go to sleep' button.
There should be a remote to flip the meat on the grill without having to labor out in that hot sun and breath the carbon-filled smoke. How can we be expected to finish our beer when we're worrying with meal preparation? *click*... food's done. (important: don't confuse the masturbation remote with the burger-flipping remote)
There should be a remote control that mutes the neighbor lady when she's showering. Jesus, do I really need to hear her rendition of "Love Shack" through the wall when I'm trying to go potty?
There should be a remote which automatically picks out clothes that match. My friend Mike could stop looking like a used car salesman. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
A remote should be invented that moves the car in front of you to another lane. The finger I have been using doesn't work the greatest, although it's gotten my paint job keyed on a couple of occasions.
It would be supremely nice to have a remote that makes the doorbell ring during phone calls, so I have an excuse to hang the hell up. That remote would also double as a dog-teasing device, since Regis loses his cool when somebody stops by.
Finally, and perhaps mostly, when the television remote is across the room and you're on the couch, it would be nice to have a remote... to get that remote. Left with no more real reason, many could then abandon their plan to have kids.
This is my family room footstool. Clearly, I need a universal remote.