Anyway, a list of things I've learned:
1 - What’s right for you isn’t right for the next guy. Unless we’re talking about Anna Kournikova here.
2 - The older you get, the more stamps you have in the house.
3 - Now’s not a good time. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow.
4 - The length of time you can tolerate watching reality television is inversely proportionate to the length of time a person who doesn’t know what “inversely proportionate” means can watch reality television.
5 - People named Howard always have a certain look about them. Also Larry.
6 - Your lower back will cramp at the furthest point of the bike trail.
7 - A cell phone’s address book capacity will always be approximately 90 percent of your number of friends, family and associates.
8 - Nobody stops by unannounced unless you’re naked.
8b - Being naked doesn’t necessarily make someone stop by.
9 - Vegetable medleys suck.
10 - Sometime when you’re out of TP, you may be tempted to use a “feminine napkin.” Avoid doing this. The linear slippage factor is vastly less than that to which you are accustomed.
11 - You can’t screw up stir-fry, even by adding fruit.
12 - Corvettes are “look at me” cars. Except, of course, the one my friend Gary owns. His is different. Just ask him.
13 - If you ever own a cat, you should name him Ron. Every time you call him you’ll giggle. Ron is no name for a cat.
14 - You can search every channel late at night, and nothing you find will make you stop missing Johnny Carson.
15 - There’s no way a person with hands the size of mine can ever eat an entire can of Pringles.