Monday, November 14, 2005

Ass Beating

Once when I was a kid, (being the butt-kissing child I was) I set out to do something nice for the women in my life. I figured what worked for Grandpa could work for me, so I went outside and picked a handful of flowers and wrapped them in a paper towel for presentation to my Mom and Grandma. Upon handing them over, complete with hug, one of them had the gall to ask where I'd gotten them. Excuse me, but isn't it a bit arrogant to question such a thing? It was the classic example of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

At that age, I hadn't yet developed my skills of disinformation and distortion of the facts. So, I spilled it and told the tale of how I had taken a shine to neighbor Sue Young's beautiful lillies, tulips and chrysanthemums, and had extracted them from her glorious flower bed to advance my cause.

Shortly after, I learned via a rather ardent ass beating that flowers belong to those who own the property around them. An intriguing concept, this... one I hadn't yet learned in my sum total of five years on Earth. After the Defilement of the Buttocks, I was made to walk the flowers back to Sue, present them to her and apologize. She cried. So... very... weak.

Ah, but it was indeed an ass beating for the ages. I'll always remember it, and to this day I always go through FTD.

Why don't you share YOUR favorite ass beating story? Come on, you know the masochist in you wants to.


Huw said...

There used to be a child nextdoor who would frequently skip merrily into my garden to feast on my raspberries. I found the garden hose put a stop to this.

I think the ass beating which I felt was most unjust came when I was watching my father struggling to keep his bonfire alit.
"There's too much vegetation on this. Needs more wood," he mused, only to hear a massive crack behind him, and to turn round to see the six-year-old me snapping off panels of the garden fence.
I was only trying to help.

Weary Hag said...

So sweet - that you wanted to give flowers to your mom and grandma.
So cute - that you picked them from a neighbor's garden.
So slow - that you didn't think to tell the neighbor you caught the dog down the street ripping them up from her garden and just wanted to return them to her.

The worst ass beatings I got were delivered by my SS (special sister) who seemed to think this was her sole purpose on earth. Once, when my mother found her stash of pot in the dresser drawer, the SS was convinced I ratted her out. That night, I paid dearly for something I hadn't even done. I have to give her this much ... the girl could pack a punch.

Lee Ann said...

You truly are pure cuteness! You only had good intentions. I think it is awesome that you still get flowers via whatever way!

When I was very little, my brother and I were playing around. I accidentally hit him (I don't think it was very hard, as we were playing). He told my dad, as all kids do at that age. My dad pulled me aside and very calmly asked me if I hit him on purpose. (Me being very little, I was not sure of the meaning of the word "purpose" ~ thinking it meant "accidental") So, I said "yes sir".
He proceeded to beat my little hiney. I was shocked! I will never forget it and I still want him to take that spanking back!

Chris Johnson said...

AHH Yes! The Ass beating of all time. I remember 2 quite well. I will tell you about the stupid one.

Anyone who knows me well will know that my mom is a real nut case!!!

My grandmother had just gotten done perculating some coffee, she turned around from the stove and I was standing there. She bumped into me and spilled her coffee on me. My mom beat my bare ass with a wooden paddle that was wrapped in duct tape, while my grandma was screaming & crying for her to stop. That same evening I had to go to the hospital for burns on my shoulder & back. Never an apology from my mom, she said I deserved what I got for being in the way.

Mishka said...

Wow, and I thought the hairbrushes, wooden spoons, whale shaped wooden paddle, the switch, and the belts were all had it worse.

I only got spanked when I deserved it...and soon enough grounding was worse.

kdillon said...

I didn't get spanked very much...I was a good kid, just ask my parents! My Dad never, ever spanked me, but Mom would, only when needed. The funny memory that this thread of messages all brought back was that, when I DID get a spanking, I always had to stand in front of the toilet, 'cuz each time she swatted, a little stream of pee came out! SO--when she would spank me, it was common procedure to get my pants around my ankles, and aim for the bowl!
Thus, my days of S&M do not make very colorful stories!

Cupcake said...

Since ass-whoopin was a regular occurence at our house I'm not going to tell you what a horrible mother I had, rather what a brilliant child I was.

Mom used to make us go to the closet to retrieve the weapon of choice (the belt) and bring it back for her to use on our tender little bottoms. Around age 7 I'd had enough of this and decided to play it smart. While I was in her bedroom I picked up the current Readers Digest magazine and stuffed it in my britches.

If she knew it was in there she never let on, but soon after the beatings became more infrequent. Oh yes, you better believe I continued to pad my bottom! Hmm, that may explain a lot about me... but that's a whole 'nother Oprah.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Nope, not telling. See, it involves stealing flowers from a neighbor, something nobody can ever live down....

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Nope, not telling. See, it involves stealing flowers from a neighbor, something nobody can ever live down....

Spinning Girl said...

Too funny. Always charming the ladies, at your own expense. I am beginning to suspect that you just like the words "ass" and beating" used together. There's just something funny about that.
My own beatings were numerous and varied, as colorful as the offenses that precipitated them, and each of them deserved. I can only hope that the ass-beating of my lifetime is yet to come.

Chris Cope said...

My friend Johnny Girard and I were wrestling on his bed -- I was Kerry Von Erich and he was Jake "The Snake" Roberts -- when his brother, Frankie, rushed in proclaiming to be Jim Cornette. He drilled me with a tennis racket and I was unconscious for five minutes. Like true friends, they did nothing.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I once called Mike Tyson a punk bitch and he got the best of me. I got a couple good licks in, though.

He's still a bitch.