Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Personal note to self - a progress report

As the holidays approach, it's natural to evaluate.

Each blogger has different reasons for writing. To document their lives, to entertain. For some, it is practice for a career in writing. Some blogs are message boards to help families stay in touch.

I would say mine is all of those things. Maybe less of a practice sheet and more of a journal. At times, I slip into the trap of feeling the need to entertain, but that is not why I started my blog. Not to say that providing a laugh or fostering a thought isn't alluring.

Moving on.

My voice over business has never been better. 2005 was a year of very positive growth and I project the same for 2006. Meanwhile, I am working with my friend Tim to launch Travelhost Magazine of Greater St. Louis right now, which is another very exciting project. Business-wise, things are very strong and I am extremely busy.

On a personal basis, 2005 has been the most difficult year of my life. My daughter has been through some life-changing experiences and continues to struggle with them. She battles daily with her mother to find mutual respect. She is struggling to find herself, as so many teenagers do. She continues to inspire me with her realism, inner beauty and goodness, even while making things harder for herself in school and in her relationship with her mother.

A little over a year ago, my wife and I purchased our dream home. The move was hard, and strangely, we missed our old house more than we anticipated. Soon after, as had been prearranged years earlier, Danny moved in with his Dad. At that point, the new house felt very empty, and it was difficult to find a feeling of normalcy. Tawnya fell into a pretty deep depression.

On my birthday, April 27, 2005, completely by surprise, she informed me via email she was leaving. We talked and I thought I had convinced her to stay, but three days later, while I was away, she quietly moved her things. I came home to a half empty house.

I'm kind of an alpha and she's kind of amiable. Other than the fact that they both begin with 'a,' we have trouble finding common ground. There was solid ground in one respect, love, but it wasn't enough to keep things together.

In July, I decided that a 5,500 square foot house was too much space for one person, dream home or not. Reluctantly, I sold it and moved into a three bedroom condo. We had owned the house for exactly one year on the day I moved.

For two or three more months, we struggled to balance our differences against our feelings. We made flimsy attempts to reconcile, but nothing stuck. Now it's November and we've filed for divorce. It looks like January will be the end of the road. As I face my third divorce, I definitely feel fearful and uncertain, but I also need to reevaluate how I judge compatibility. I try to remain open minded to the possibility of loving again, but now is not the time to think about it.

This Christmas will be eerily quiet, as Courtney and I celebrate alone. I'm a strong person, but I know it will take everything I have to get through the next few months. Each day is a challenge to stay positive. I know I will be fine, but I also know I'm changed.

Winter will seem a little longer, and spring will arrive a little later. But the clock is ticking. Every day, it gets a little easier.

EDIT, March 25, 2015: She was cheating on me. I'm so incredibly glad the way things worked out.