No pumpkin pie.
Upon relaying this information to Spinning Girl, and after forcing her to listen to me whine and moan about the lack of said pie, she suggested (with just a twinge of doubt concerning my kitchen aptitude) that I create my own. Secretly, inwardly, I doubted myself and my abilities in the kitchen, but my doubt of the existence of a "pie fairy" was even stronger, so I agreed. She and I would bake pies concurrently. Click here to read her interpretation of the bakin' good times at her house. Read below to find (and see illustrations of) my version of the story.
Unfortunately, Spinning Girl informed me of the importance of preheating my oven at the same time as she was explaining how the pie fairy WAS real and all I had to do was believe, and click my heels together or some such shit. I chose to believe neither, so the oven went unheated for a good 20 minutes. I felt silly when I figured it all out.
I was aided by a bottle of Jacob's Creek. Everytime I spilled anything on the counter, I would take a drink. Anytime I mixed in another ingredient, I would take a drink. Anytime Spinning Girl turned the conversation back to her, I would take a drink. In no time, I was buzzing like a saw.
Oops, I spilled the evaporated milk. Time for more Jacob's Creek. I love that Jacob. About this time, I explained to Spinner what a mulligan was in the game of golf. I fear she didn't understand... neither what a mulligan was, nor why I even brought it up.
Mixy mix went the ingredients, drinky drink went Dave, and Spinny Spin went SG. As we talked, I couldn't help but wonder... "is it right to bake pies with your pants around your ankles?"
Mmm. Cool Whip. And NOT the kind from a spray can, I'm a purist, goddamn it. I used the frozen kind from a tub.
About halfway through the baking process, I looked in and saw the beauty that is pumpkin pie. The anticipation was unbearable, so to pass the time, I requested that Spinning Girl explain the Periodic Table of the Elements to me again, and we compared notes on how genius The Far Side's Gary Larson is.
The finished product! After baking it for an extra 30 minutes because of the altitude here in St. Louis, I realized I had baked The Perfect Pumpkin Pie completely from scratch.* It was all because of Spinning Girl that I realized my dream of having Earth's Greatest Pie, and found the personal strength to make it myself.**
Next week, profiteroles with neopolitan ice cream and hot fudge with a chaser of Hawaiian Kona coffee.
* Yeah, I said scratch. If IHOP's biscuits and gravy qualify as homemade, (as their menu says... even though they were NOT made in anyone's home) I can say this completely fabricated baked good was made from scratch.
** She forced me to say this. She's really persuasive that way.
UPDATE: The pie met with such positive feedback, Dr. Mike has already developed the art for my own line of pie mix.