New gizmos

Recently, a technology convention was held in Las Vegas - during which a whole new generation of techno gadgets was unveiled. Each promised to make life easier for its user - or gaming more realistic for the player.

Being a techie, I love learning about new doo-hickery... I especially like the hands-on experience! But lately I've come to believe we've gone too far. Presented as evidence:

Samsung has released a new cell phone that is motion-sensitive. Shake it once, it dials a number. Shake twice, it hangs up your call. Making an "O" shape in the air indicates a yes, wave an "X" in the air and it's no. For upcoming models, the company plans to build in more features, including tools for analyzing changes in a user's movements... and dispensing diet advice.

Diet advice. From my cell phone. Riiiight. First, I ignore diet advice from my DOCTOR. Secondly, I have no intention of being anywhere in public shaking my phone. Making an "X" or "O" in the air, arms flailing wildly for all to scrutinize just ain't gonna happen. I look goofy enough on a daily basis, I need no help from Samsung.

Another new cell phone offered by Verizon features video playback. A handy feature (especially when you're DRIVING), you'll be able to download a whole range of video clips from CNN, NBC, AccuWeather, (and probably soon the SPICE channel) directlly to your phone.

"Uh... hello, Verizon? Yes, could you do me a favor and get me a usable signal in all parts of the town where I live before you start selling PHONES YOU CAN WATCH TV ON?"

And get this... there is also a new ONLINE fitness bike on the market. Yes, that's right... if you can't peel yourself away from the @%$! XBox long enough for life-extending (albeit artificial) exercise, we now have a stationary bike that won't unfairly require you to log off of HALO II. An absolute must for the gaming heart patient!

Quite obviously there is an abundance of new gadgets coming to an electronics store near you. More than enough, in fact, to make me say, "uh... why?"

So I propose putting a moratorium on new technology until we can accomplish the following:

• I want nail clippers that DON'T shoot your organic jetsam across the room into someone's tea.
• Give me a garbage disposal that won't be completely disabled by one little piece of beef gristle.
• Make it possible for me to NEVER have to take the lid off the back of the toilet to do... anything.
• (keeping with the bathroom theme) Give me an exhaust fan that actually sucks... and turns itself off when it's finished sucking.
• Show me a car that has a "check engine light" light. (how do we know when it might be burned out?)
• Give we large-handed people a way to get to the last few Pringles.

And finally...

• I want a lover that won't drive me crazy.

But mostly, the nail clippers.