Does Santa have tits?

I'm wrapping. I have finished my Christmas shopping. I am elated, I am tired, I am relieved!

During my show today, we discussed the sex of Santa. Oh sure, most assume he's a "he." "He" is not. He couldn't be.

This is my spin on why, based loosely on an editorial I read once:

First, has a man ever chosen a gift more than a couple of days before Christmas? Of course not. He waits until nothing remains except Pocket Fishermen, Cap Snafflers and a smattering of medium-size shirts. (gee, could this be why most gifts from a man have to be exchanged?) Evidence: Santa=woman

Then there's the whole "stopping and asking for directions" thing. Do you think for one minute that Santa could get to all those chimneys without getting lost once? And if Santa WERE a man, I guarantee he'd still be driving around looking for addresses on Valentine's Day. So obviously Santa is stopping and asking the gas station attendant when in doubt. Fortunately for Santa, the only gas station open on Christmas eve night is being manned by Elvis - and they have a mutual secrecy "clause." (har har, get it?) Evidence: Santa=woman

And how about the whole "reindeer" thing? If Santa WERE male, those deer would be gutted, field dressed and hung by their hind legs before departing the North Pole! And I'm pretty certain at least one of the racks would be headed via Fed Ex to a taxidermist for mounting. Evidence: Santa=woman

A few other reasons Santa must be a woman -

• Men never answer mail, nor do they read it.
• Men wouldn't be caught dead hanging with red-and-green-dressed midgets, it would be too much of a blow to their masculinity.
• The phrase HO HO HO would NEVER be his trademark, it practically guarantees he'll never get laid.
• It would be difficult to imagine a man being okay with the "bowl full of jelly" comparison.
• A stocking never crossed a man's mind without having a female leg in it... why would Santa be any different?

Last, but not least... being in charge of Christmas would require serious commitment. Overwhelming predominance of evidence: Santa=woman

I'm glad we finally know the truth. I can now get back to wrapping my wife's new jerky machine.