Friday, January 13, 2006

Troubled thoughts from an unseemly mind

Well, dip my balls in cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens, it's Friday afternoon... and you know what that means. Time for Dave's Random Musings:

1 - I want a microwave oven invented that, when you flip the wall plug upside down, cools food. Hey Amana, work it out.

2 - Coffee comes in a tin can for one reason - when it's empty, Grandma has a place to put her bacon grease.

3 - My pool guy told me the other day that for the chemical balance of a pool, it's actually a good idea to pee in it now and then. I quickly learned that, for the neighbor's sake, it's best to actually get INTO the pool when you're peeing... or wait until nightfall.

4 - I have discovered that when your package touches cold water, it causes "shrinkage." However, the converse act of squatting in a bowl of boiling water does NOT cause "growage." Only "burnage."

5 - When someone wags their finger at you, it doesn't always mean you've done wrong, sometimes it just indicates a particularly sticky booger.

6 - With aggressive therapy, the appeal of Malaysia and her seductive quicksand, biting flies and flesh mites can be little more than a distant yearn that beckons mostly late at night.

7 - Stopping a fan blade with your tongue tastes pretty dusty.

8 - Charades is a game best played with the unblind.

9 - Amish barn raisings and buggy lacquer festivals can get zany when the bonnets start coming off.

10 - Tomato soup is good, as long as you don't think about how it's made.


This was a repost from earlier this year because, well, I got nothin' at the moment.


Lee Ann said... found out the hard way(no pun intended)...boiling water is not a fertilizer!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"growage" and "burnage" 2 very useful new words. you're a gem.

Bob2837465 said...

I would have to dispute the fact that peeing into a pool is good for its chemical balance. As a Certified Pool Operator (that's a CPO to those in the biz) urinating in the pool only causes the chlorine to kill the organic material leaving ineffective chloromenes in the water. But, that's why we put chlorine in pools - to take out the urine, sweat, saliva and other bacteria infested materials.

A word of warning: chlorine by itself is actually odorless. If you smell "chlorine" at a pool, you are smelling the chloromenes - that is the ineffective chlorine that has attached itself to the gross stuff and is just floating around in the water.

I'm just saying....

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That microwave idea is genius. I'd pay top dollar for microwave that could cool food, too.

Trinette said...

Blind charades? How 'bout deaf musical chairs?

Spinning Girl said...

Actually, unless you have a raging UTI, urine is sterile.

The word "booger" is possibly the most unsexy word in the universe, and your use of it drops you a few pegs, but your sexy avatar sort of makes up for it. Let's just say you broke even.

Bacon grease! The modern woman knows, of course, that bacon grease goes in the trash, along with 3 layers of greasy, soaked, paper towels.

Thank you.


ps. Tacky to repost old material.

Trinette said...

What if you pee in the bathtub? Does it help the pH balance of the Mr. Bubble?

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

11. Ever notice how whe

Anonymous Shannon said...

Gosh. Coming from the South, #2 is absolutely true. Both of my Grandmas and my mom does that. Scary!

Dr. Mike said...

Dave, I'm still laughing about your 'cinnamon ring' story that was 2 posts ago! Lemme catch up with you, man!

... and yes, you must GET IN the pool to fix the pH!

Used Hack said...

I'm just glad you made another post so your ass-leg isn't staring me in the face when I go to your site. :)

BTW, how cool is that fucking pool guy? You God damn learn something every day. Just awesome.

CP said...

Thanks for stopping by, Dave. Thought I would reciprocate. However, it is going to cost you. Your divorce letter (yes, I am God and I know you didn't write it) officially made me short circuit my keyboard when I splooged Dr. Pepper all over it. (Regular, not diet). Therefore the cost of a new keyboard, plus shipping and handling will be in your email box shortly.

Btw...that flipside microwave oven thing? I have been pondering that for decades. I say we make it happen. I like your idea about the flip cord. Mine was to have a negative sign on the that instead of cooking for one minute it would cook for negative one minute and would cool instead of heat.

Now that it is written out in black and white, it is a really stupid idea...

Let's go with the cord thingy.


StringMan said...

Glad you reposted this gem for this first-time visitor. The pool: when my sister first got her pool, she told us that if you peed in the water it would turn red (because of 'special' chemicals).
As soon as I came out of her pool, I went up to her and said "It isn't true. I have proof." She didn't look at it as a good thing.