Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Does anyone have a tampon?

It started innocently enough.

For months, my TiVo has been recording Desperate Housewives. My wife and I set up the timer early last year, when we were together, and totally into the show. Tonight, as I was cleaning off the hard drive and deleting old stuff, I discovered I have the entire new season stored and ready to watch.

Desperate Housewives is a show a man will watch with a woman, but not likely on his own. It's way too much like a soap opera, and not exactly testosterone-friendly viewing. I found it difficult, however, to delete them... because part of me DID enjoy the show - and that Eva Longoria is quite the sexy little tart...

Oh, yes. Eva Longoria...


Where was I? So as my finger was on the DELETE button, I stopped short. I am comfortable with my masculinity, why not have a looksy? Seems I can faintly remember where last season left off... so I hit PLAY.

An hour later, I'm sitting on the floor in front of a roaring fire with a pile of pillows and a cup of hot chocolate with Godiva liquer in it. I'm talking to myself, caddily criticizing the slutty outfit Edie Britt is wearing and wondering why Mike Delfino can't do something different with that hair.

It's a wonder I didn't give myself a pedicure and cucumber mask. When I looked around and realized what was happening, it had the same sobering effect as one would get seeing The Rock in a pilates class.

I've deleted the rest of the episodes. I just finished setting up a "season pass" recording of The Man Show. I'm ordering the Outdoor Channel tomorrow morning, and blocking access to Oxygen.

___

Sadly, the story you've just read is true. Except for a couple of minor details. Nobody's perfect... that would be the message I want to get across to my friends, who are likely thinking really absurd thoughts about me right now.

14 comments:

Green-Eyed Lady (GEL) said...

I loved this honest post. Even as a woman, the show is so soap opera-ish, I often gag. However, I can't afford cable, so it beat Reality TV, which I won't watch ever. Sometimes, this hits the spot, because it's so absurd. I've never had a pedicure and only eat cucumbers. Food doesn't belong on my face unless...well, I better not go there on your blog.

I miss real comedy though. So many "older" shows have bit the dust that I adored. Also some very good shows were not renewed. Did you like "American Dreams?" (It was a mix of history, music, a bit of everything)

Spinning Girl said...

I knew all this after that time you let me put rollers in your hair. I love having a girlfriend like you.

Let me know if you catch any nice bass.

Anonymous Shannon said...

My hibby sometimes misses the show, but asks me later what happened. He's completely cool with his masculinity. It's not wrong to watch DW. Just don't feel bad about it. It's just another plus when you are looking to date women. You know they watch that show, so you will seem sensitive when you tell them that you watch it too. Ya just gotta get an angle on it!

Mishka said...

Wow Dave, I knew you had it in you....I don't watch DW but I used to when it first came out. The husband and I both thought it was funny but we missed a few episodes and got lost...it is a bit like a soap opera like that, you can just pick it up like you can with some other shows.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, Dave.

I went through something similar with Sex and the City. At first it appalled me. Then I started liking it. Now I don't miss an episode. I've rented all the seasons and I know the dialogues to every episode.

I drink when I watch it and sometimes I think I'm one of the girls!

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I have a similar problem. Romantic comedies. TBS, TNT, Lifetime, and Oxygen are always playing them. I've seen ones with Kate Winslet, Sandra Bullock, Kate Beckinsdale, Julia Roberts... I'm in trouble here.

prodgodq said...

Dave:

Change the drink to Chiraz, and the pillows to stuffed animals, and you've got the makings of some real femininity.
As for me, I'm so insecure in my masculinity that I have to play heavy metal to purge myself of feminine thoughts when I hear a Clay Aiken song.

Chris Cope said...

I'll give you a pass because of the liquer. Not manly, but booze is booze. Any man can understand that.

Lee Ann said...

I love that.
The hot chocolate, pillows and roaring fire sounds awesome. I myself, even have a little trouble getting through Desperate Housewives. I keep feeling like there is something I should be doing.

Used Hack said...

Great post. I haven't watched that show, despite having the same sort of desires for Eva Longoria. Mmmmmmm. :)

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

I JUST SPIT THE LAST BITE I TOOK OF MY LUNCH ON MY COMPUTER MONITER AFTER READING "It's a wonder I didn't give myself a pedicure and cucumber mask." Omigod Dave. That entry was freakin' priceless. :-)

sunshine sally said...

you left out the part about the lacy pink bra and panties you donned for the ocassion

Amandarama said...

I have an on again/off again relationship with this show. I will say it's never driven me to want to give myself a pedicure.

Dave Morris said...

Oh, Sunshine Sally, you evil woman. Get out of my head.