Monday, December 12, 2005

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bend a guy boy all yare.

yew Fiend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger! At least HE can spell!

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

***

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

***

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,
Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
SANTA

9 comments:

lilly05 said...

OMFG those are funny! I had to share these with my co-workers. They had a good laugh with me. Who knew that hospital workers were so damned insensitive? Teddy was the agreed apon favorite, but just in case we posted all of them on our employee bulletin board. :)

Spinning Girl said...

I know just what Santa needs.
Oh, that reminds me ... I need a new ottoman.
Merry Christmas!


p.s. Poor Marky.

Anonymous Shannon said...

That was awesome, Dave! Thanks for starting off my day with a laugh!

Lee Ann said...

Haha, Those are funny...
I especially liked "Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch."
Yeah, poor Marky!

Used Hack said...

Oh, those are great. I wish I would have doen this. :)

Dave Morris said...

I feel the need to point out that the author of these letters is unknown, it is not me. Mine would have been entirely too vicious and far more sardonic.

;)

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

I wonder if my cousin Marky actually wrote his?

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Righteous!

heidi said...

Santa Porn...that's funny.