Saturday, December 17, 2005

Broken promises to myself

I told myself I would stop the madness of "Things I've Never Done." I cannot stop, I lack the personal strength.

I've never:

  • Showcased a measles scar to a group of octogenarian skydivers during a sandstorm.
  • Stapled a chicken sandwich to a park bench.
  • Taken the high road, whilst you concurrently took the low road, and cared if I even reached Scotland, not to mention who arrived first.
  • Birthed a squid with no sedation.
  • Done the hokey pokey and turned myself around, regardless of the fact that, that might truly be what it is all about.
  • Sheared an alpaca without first shouting my mantra, "Howard Digs Trannies!!"
  • Written the words "tennis ball" and "astroglide" in the same sentence. And now, I can no longer make that claim.
  • Debated a Sudanese chiropodist about the likelihood of an impasse during the execution of rock/paper/scissors.
  • Worn lederhosen to the Epstein bar mitzvah.
  • Hashed out regulations governing the use of beaver pelts in undergarments.
  • Gotten it through my thick skull that this "things I've never done" schtick has run it's course.


Spinning Girl said...

Add to list:

Until yesterday, had never crooned, balladier-style, the words to Nine Inch Nails' "Closer".

Anonymous Shannon said...

Add to the list:

Until today, I've not gotten my cast wet!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Don't stop these for anything.

Amandarama said...

Oh, keep it coming. You know you want to. :)

lilly05 said...

Oh come on Dave, you've got some more of these posts in ya. Keep 'em up, you are truly providing a much needed service!