Broken promises to myself

I told myself I would stop the madness of "Things I've Never Done." I cannot stop, I lack the personal strength.

I've never:

• Showcased a measles scar to a group of octogenarian skydivers during a sandstorm.
• Stapled a chicken sandwich to a park bench.
• Taken the high road, whilst you concurrently took the low road, and cared if I even reached Scotland, not to mention who arrived first.
• Birthed a squid with no sedation.
• Done the hokey pokey and turned myself around, regardless of the fact that, that might truly be what it is all about.
• Sheared an alpaca without first shouting my mantra, "Howard Digs Trannies!!"
• Written the words "tennis ball" and "astroglide" in the same sentence. And now, I can no longer make that claim.
• Debated a Sudanese chiropodist about the likelihood of an impasse during the execution of rock/paper/scissors.
• Worn lederhosen to the Epstein bar mitzvah.
• Hashed out regulations governing the use of beaver pelts in undergarments.
• Gotten it through my thick skull that this "things I've never done" schtick has run it's course.