Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ladies and gentlemen - meet the HEALTHY Dave

I've learned through aggressive research that I'm a VERY healthy person. Read on.

IS echinacea truly good for you? Not really, and this new study may even ruin the 'placebo' effect:

Reporting in Wednesday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, researchers said volunteers who took an extract of Echinacea augustifolia and were exposed to a cold virus developed about the same number and severity of colds as those who did not take it.

While many herbs have been proven to be medicinally helpful, it appears echinacea just ain't one of them...

And I DON'T take echinacea. With me so far? My research continued...

Be healthy - get yourself a hooker!

Most of us are aware of the feel-good benefits of sex while we’re engaged in it, but do you also know that there are benefits which carry on after the sweaty bodies have dried and the sweet talk has reverted to sports?

I've never wanted so much to be part of a research project!

No, I'm not copping to utilizing "hired help." But... in the interest of time, let's move on.

After sex, have some beer.

The New England Journal of Medicine has published research papers in recent years attributing health benefits to moderate alcohol consumption.

Still with me here? I consume moderate levels of alcohol! Sometimes really moderate levels... but let's not parse that too forcefully right now. Moving along...

After the night of hookers and beer, take some aspirin.

You might commonly take it for a headache, a fever or for arthritis pain. But aspirin can also help you prevent heart attacks and strokes.

This is all great news. I'm finished with doctors, tests and prescriptions. It appears I'm in tip-top shape. Richard Simmons' got NOTHING on me.

Bartender! Beers, hookers and aspirin for everyone!!

And hold the echinacea.

11 comments:

lilly05 said...

Hey, aside from the hookers (I'm married, might be bad for relations) I'm just as healthy! And here I thought that I may have to resort to going to the gym!! Another great post Dave.

Rob Seifert said...

Here's to your health Dave!

RCS

Rob Seifert said...

Incidently, you're not supposed to take echinacea rectally. You get better, ok at least more comfortable, results if it's taken oraly. (Did I just make that joke?);-)

RCS

gary said...

How many extra beers would it take to offset sex??? Then of course, one would need extra asprin as well.

If this workout routine could kill, neither of us would still be here Dave!!!

The Other Half said...

i'll drink to that!

Weary Hag said...

Hm. Well I'm screwed.
I don't do hookers or beer. I've been known to occasionally (though temporarily) buy into some of the malarky pertaining to herbal or plant remedies, Echinacea included.
Oh but wait! I DO partake in one baby aspirin per day because apparently my cardiologist has stock in Bayer.
I guess there's some hope for me after all.

Lee Ann said...

You make it sound so easy!

Chris Cope said...

You may need some topical cream post-hooker, but I think you're definitely on the road to healthful living.

Chris Cope said...

Or, wait. Maybe you meant "hooker" as in the guy who is in the middle of a rugby scrum -- supported by two props and two locks. I would advise against having sex with him. You don't know where he's been.

Amandarama said...

Beer and aspirin are definitely overlooked as food groups. And sex is an aerobic activity. Sounds like a good plan to me!

Mishka said...

I think the operative word here on the beer cure is "moderately"...don't know if excessive is still healthy...unless of course you are of the belief that if one is good, more is better....haha.