Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Snatch the pebble from my hand

It is a common occurrance for lesser minions to approach me (the Insult Master) asking for advice. Below, exerpts from email exchanged this morning between a master and his apprentice.
Letter to me:

Dear Douche Nozzle, I need some advice. (blah blah blah, yada yada, nothing important)
My response:

... about the nickname "douche nozzle," when did you talk to the guys I went to high school with?"
From the underling:

"Douche nozzle" is our current nickname. We rotate them. We're looking for new creative nicknames though, can you come up with anything interesting to fuel our juvenile need?

So far, we're rotating "fuck tard", "douche nozzle" "ass clown" "ass crack" and the old mainstay..."moron". We have a lot of salespeople who fit the above descriptions so any help would be greatly appreciated.
My (clearly the Sensei) response:

In a few short lines, you've summarized many of my very favorite nicknames of all time. Douche nozzle only scratches the surface when compared to "ass hat," "ass clown" and "fuck-tard." Have you tried "bitch-lips" or "ass-face?" Those are old but tried-n-true.

A couple of the more hard-core ones I like are "dick with ears" and "turd with corn." Those are limited edition, and you must be highly selective about the company you use them in. They also burn pretty quickly, so use them sparingly. If you show 'em respect and love, they'll always serve you faithfully.

Also, never forget the good old stand-by, "_______-for-brains." You can insert anything topical, such as "offshore oil," "Olympic steroids" or even "McCain."

Then there are the insult lines that aren't necessarily nicknames, but serve similarly. Example - "Stay in the truck." I use this one occasionally with Emily when we're discussing something I know a lot about but she knows little. If you want to make a particularly poignant point, add "with the windows rolled up and the radio blaring." Again, a little goes a long way. Restraint is a gift, grasshopper.
Finally, his response:

This is a manual for all that need to be truly insulting. We've created a file with this as our prime tutorial!
Indeed, young one. Indeed. Now lift the hot coal-filled cauldron between your bare forearms, then go tell the world what you've seen here.

(Kung Fu was a freakin' awesome show, (1972-1975) we watched it every week. If anyone wants to get me the series on DVD, I wouldn't turn it down.)


OldHorsetailSnake said...

That old Fu Kung was kind of good, actually. Did any of these lines appear in the credits?

C said...

...everybody was kung foo fighting.
it was fast as lightening....

Anonymous said...

I'm now immortalized in the blog!

Your pupil,


Ari said...

Oooooo, "stay in the truck" would fuel my ire (proving it's worth, of course).

Ari said...