September 13, 2000

On this date six years ago, I was on a beach in Maui, sweating inside a black tuxedo. I was getting married.

Today, I endure the memory and mourn the day. Mostly for what that relationship became. I never dreamed she would ever be an adversary... an enemy.

I suppose that's how divorce is.

During the marriage, I tried to do my best... succeeded a little, failed a little, and helped father a good young man (of whom I am very proud) as well as I could. I wasn't the perfect husband... I'm not sure if there IS such a thing... but I was decent, moral, protective, loving and real.

But a good marriage takes more than just not intentionally hurting someone's feelings (I never tried to)... not physically abusing someone (I wouldn't)... and just giving love. You need similar goals, personalities, approaches and views of the world. The way I looked at the world and how I dealt with issues sometimes offended her and made her uncomfortable. For that, I am eternally sorry. I am an alpha driver personality, she is an amiable. I should have noticed that more.

So today, I again make a note of my mistakes. I will think about the positives that came from the experience. I will try to ignore what lawyers say, and remember the real story. We both grew from the experience...

My daughter's boyfriend, and the space shuttle. Intellectually as far apart as possible.

First, an update. The boyfriend has been warned. I met with my daughter and him, remained civil and even tempered, and explained the severity of the consequences of a recurrence. He took it well, but that doesn't earn him any points... he hit my daughter. He's lucky to have a functional set of testicles right now. There will be no free passes, if it happens again he will find himself in an impromptu meeting with me and a ball bat.

She was surprisingly appreciative, and later I reminded her (quite fruitlessly) that she deserves better. Sheesh, what is it with kids these days?


What kind of idiot could hurt someone like this?

By the way, she is the new hostess at Bandana's Barbecue starting this evening. It's her first job, and she's pretty excited. I'm really proud of her.

---

The shuttle astronauts partipated in a space walk today, during which time a bolt and washer slipped from the astronaut's hand and drifted away into space.

It's too bad True Value hasn't yet launched their orbiting hardware store... that bolt would only cost like four cents to replace. As it stands, NASA will probably pay a thousand bucks for the bolt, and will have to launch a special mission just to replace it. (plus they'll probably bring a 3/8 inch head, when they really need a 25mm metric)

As for the washer, Maytag hasn't yet launched their orbiting appliance store, either...

Reverent silence...

Abuse (update)

Ironically, the word itself is frequently abused.

I've never seen a time when so many people are feeling so abused. Children being made to order from the kids menu or being told 'no' to certain desserts... are now feeling "abused." When a parent draws a line as to how their child's room is decorated (ie, "no, you can't put that picture up in the corner near the ceiling by itself, pick another place") the word recklessly flies. Even simply feeling insulted is now considered abuse by some.

People use it to describe many things that, arguably, aren't abuse at all. In divorces and legal actions, the word is frequently used to extort... which is an "abuse" of the system.

Culturally, when we throw the word around as loosely as we do, we risk the "boy who cried wolf" syndrome. I wish people would lighten up a little and examine their lives. Some are dealing with real, dangerous abuse every day.

My daughter, for instance.

This morning, I had to endure a story from her mother about a late-night phone call, during which she heard my daughter being hit by her boyfriend, being called names and screamed at. My daughter wouldn't tell her where she was, but asked if she could come home. Unfortunately, she didn't have the courage to leave... she stayed in that environment. This morning, I can't reach her, and am going just a little crazy wondering if she's okay.

That is abuse.

As a father, I'm struggling with how to handle it. My first inclination is to go find the kid and give him a mouthful of broken teeth. Jail time doesn't appeal to me, and I think it would backfire anyway... probably resulting in her resentment of me, and pity for him. I'm truly at a loss for how to handle it. This minute, I finally got a text message from her, so she's okay.

I will spend the day and the weekend considering the options. Meantime, it's a little difficult for me to hear the word "abuse" being thrown around so irrationally, when real, actual abuse is touching my life so profoundly right now.

UPDATE: It's amazing how ridiculous the laws of Missouri are. At age 17, she can move out, do whatever she wants, it's her decision. However, if she gets into trouble, it's still the parents' responsibility until she turns 18. This one of the few states where this age disparity exists.

The result is, I cannot issue an police-enforced ex parte of protection against him. It's up to her to do that... and she won't do it.

However, I have formulated a plan and will execute it Sunday evening. At this point, it doesn't involve the broken teeth scenario, but if he even so much as looks at me funny at the time, that could change. It may be her decision to continue seeing him, but I have the ability to make the abuse stop... and I will do just that.

How to tell when Dave has nothing to say:

Another CAPTION CONTEST!



Click 'comment' to enter.

Having built a reputation of giving away great prizes for these, I am beginning to feel the pressure to outdo myself each time. Last time, a hot sausage. This time, this beautiful Piggly Wiggly grocery cart, pulled fresh from the Arkansas River south of Little Rock. It comes with leaves, a used condom and three unidentifiable mammal carcasses. It's only been driven by a little old homeless lady on Sundays. This prize will NOT be delivered via UPS. It's a pick-up-only prize, as usual... but well worth the trip.

Now get busy.

Now that's a crock

First, may God rest Steve Irwin's soul and be with his family during this incredibly difficult time.

Quotes I've heard in the media today include what a great family man Irwin was.

I don't doubt that, but he was also a sensationalist attention seeker, who did things to provoke dangerous animals. You'd think that a guy who really WAS a great family man would do more to preserve his family circle.

It's a very sad story... and I do respect the work he did to help bring a focus on the animal kingdom.

But you can't say he didn't have it coming.

Happy Labor Day

Or, for my Canadian and British friends, Labour. (even though only Canada celebrates it this weekend, I believe England is in May)

The origins of the American Labor Day can be traced back to the Knights of Labor in the United States and a parade organized by them on September 5, 1882 in New York City. They were inspired by an annual labor parade held in Toronto, Canada. In 1884 another parade was held, and the Knights passed resolutions to make this an annual event. Other labor organizations (and there were many), but notably the affiliates of the International Workingmen's Association favored a May 1 holiday.

Labor Day has been celebrated on the first Monday in September in the United States since the 1880s. The September date has remained unchanged, even though the government was encouraged to adopt May 1 as Labor Day, the date celebrated by the majority of the world. Moving the holiday, in addition to breaking with tradition, could have been viewed as aligning the U.S. labor movements with internationalist sympathies.

Okay, is it too obvious that the two paragraphs above were cut/pasted from wikipedia?

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a copius amount of rest, relaxation and fun this weekend. For a change of pace, go out and do something I would do.

Las Vegas ends late-night wedding-license service

LAS VEGAS, Aug. 30 — Las Vegas bills itself as ''the wedding capital of the world,'' but late-night revelers who decide they want to tie the knot now must wait until morning.
The county's marriage-license office, as of Wednesday, will be closed between midnight and 8 a.m., when much of Las Vegas is still very much alive. (LINK)

HUH?!?!?!

What kind of politically correct, wussified, cowardly, bullshit-world have we become???*

Las Vegas is the oasis of spice, debauchery and hookers in a figurative desert of sameness, boredom and "righteousness." When I want those things, I go to Iowa.

But Vegas is the place where you can see trannies dance, people puke up their $4.99 lobster dinner because of the free alcohol (oh wait, neither of those things exist anymore - my bad) and idiots on the precipice of insanity take the foolish dive into the hell that IS marriage because they drank too many Jaeger bombs. It's a beautiful thing!

And now it's over?**

Look, I know gambling is a sin. I realize buffet gluttony is an assault against the lord's temple, and yes... I am even aware that prostitution is frowned upon in certain religious circles. But come on! People should be allowed to enter the loving, tender, wonderful institution of late-night, alcohol-induced matrimony when the urge strikes. Make 'em wait until morning, and many of them will lose their buzz, er, gutts, bread tie they were going to use as a temporary wedding band.

I hope the zealots are happy. But in the words of Nathan R. Jessep in A Few Good Men, "All you did was weaken a [city] today. That's all you did. You put people's [marriages] in danger. Sweet dreams [city council]."

What happens in Iowa STAYS in Iowa.

--

*Satire, people. Satire.

**And I haven't even brought up the constant presence of Celine Dion.

Opinions are like a$$holes...

... everyone has one, and they all stink except mine.

In life, I'm a giver. If I have it and someone else NEEDS it, it's yours. I have a pickup truck, which is what real givers drive. Everybody needs a friend with a pickup.

I'm also an occasional borrower. I never borrow money, but I do occasionally borrow equipment, sugar, laundry detergent or a phone.

In this post, I am borrowing a concept from Lightning Bug's Butt, a brilliant blogger in my circle of cyber-friends. I'm not borrowing it directly, but sort of expounding on it.

Bug did an entry recently called "I Believe." It's a chance for people to leave a comment about something they believe in. Pretty simple, and really interesting.

Here's where I am borrowing: I am going to anonymously feature a few of the comments he got, and allow you to either agree or disagree, and say why. Be funny, tongue-in-cheek, whatever. Just try to be respectful. Sort of a point/counterpoint, minus Jane The Ignorant Slut. Remember, this is all about your comments, so leave one if you can.

Belief 1: I believe it's bullshit that "Christmas" has become a four-letter word. The word Christmas is purposely replaced with "holiday" everywhere it used to appear, but you can sure as hell recognize the holidays, customs and beliefs of every other religion, ethnicity and person of the world -- and are expected to. Fuck that, and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Belief 2: I believe that schools should bring back discipline. I never would have dreamed to talk to my teacher the way some kids do.

Belief 3: I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I'm not sure if there is a higher power around it or if it's just the natural order of things. Even if it's something horrible..it was something that was supposed to happen. Sometimes we can't see the truth until the fog or dust settles.

Belief 4: I believe that Ron Popeill's Showtime rotisserie works. Works damn well.

Belief 5: I believe that any mom who says "I HAVE to work" is wrong...staying at home with your kids and giving them a firm foundation is WORK in and of itself. You CHOOSE to work, because of the lifestyle you choose.

Belief 6: I believe that God should be put back in the Pledge of Allegiance and in schools.

Belief 7: I believe I should be able to eat, drink, or smoke whatever the fuck I want to, and if you don't like it, it's none of your business. I believe that people who attempt to control under the guise of altruism (i.e., "I'm concerned for your health" or "it's for the children") are the biggest hypocrites on the face of the earth.

Belief 8; I believe I am sick and tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

Belief 9: I believe that kids are really spoiled these days and that parents should spend more time putting their foot up their bratty asses.

Belief 10: Women claim to want all the power, but they already have it but instead of admiting to it...much like the devil's greatest trick which is fooling people into thinking he never existed, women pretend they're under the control of men so they don't have to take the blame for everything. Typical. Women act as though men are animals only wanting them for their bodies, yet they brag about how tight their jeans are.

Belief 11: I believe that prayer is a great way for people to meditate and organize their thoughts and priorities, that there is a greater power than ourselves, but that nobody is listening or paying attention to us here. There is NO explanation that I can accept as to how a "Loving, Attentive God" let's babies starve to death while flies lay eggs in their eyes.

If any of this makes you feel like gouging your eyes out, here's your chance to say so. Pick a subject and opine. Anonymous posts are fine, if you need that.

Last one to comment is a rotten egg!

In the words of Charlie Brown...

Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!*

People actually believe the things they get in their email boxes. For instance: (cut/pasted from an actual forwarded email I received this morning)

> When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got
> the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
>
> What is greater than God, More evil than the devil,
> The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?
>
> Send this to 10 people and then press shift and you
> will get the answer.
>
> P.S. You won't believe this, but this really does
> give you the answer!!!!

Obviously the answer is "nothing." But it perturbs me that people believe the answer will appear on your screen when you forward this to 10 people.

Hint: of course it doesn't work so stop forwarding it!!!! This is why the internet is so congested. Oh, and because of bloggers. (gulp) Sorry.



*Other interesting Charlie Brown quotes:

“In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.”

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

“There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire and a Zamboni clearing the ice.”

"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.”

“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.”

But my favorite one is probably still "Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!"

Life as a guy...

This is pretty funny. I've never felt like this at all... no, never once. ;)

Why

Why is the plural of medley actually 'medleys...' but the singular of calories is 'calorie?' Who came up with these spellings, a third grader?

---

Why don't speeding tickets come with two check boxes -

A: You speed, you pay a small fine.
B: You "buy down" the speeding to a non-moving violation and pay a larger fine.

We could totally take those miscreant attorneys (and why isn't it spelled 'attornies'?) out of the equation and leave them to deal with the REAL issues... like frivolous misuse of the court system by gold-digging former spouses.

---

Why doesn't Google stop hosting Blogger on a Dell laptop with a flaming battery? Blogger SUCKS. I'm not even sure if what I'm writing now will even get published. And frankly, maybe that would be for the best.

---


Why would they even need to say that Pluto is not a planet? Hello?!? How obvious!

Next, they will feel the need to say that Donald Duck isn't a cherry-limeade from Sonic. Duh, he's a duck.



---

Why can't they come up with a more creative name for an orange? Who even thought of naming a fruit after its color?

We never say "I love to drink 'purple' juice." Or, "hey, that 'yellow' is shaped like a penis." No, of course not.

New name for an orange: boobfruit. Most of them are about that size. (but hopefully not that color)

---

Why do I continue blogging, when I can't come up with anything more creative than this shit?

Announcement

And the winner of the caption contest below, and recipient of the big, red, spicy, pickled weiner from the huge jar by the cash register of the Dew Drop Inn and Cantina just outside of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma is...

NUGGET MAVEN!

The winning entry: "Don't jerk and drive." Simple, funny, perfect.

Maven, you'll need to drive to Broken Arrow to claim your award, which I'm sure is no problem, considering it's quite the sizeable weiner.

$8.50

That's how much it cost to watch one of the cheesiest, most predictable movies I've ever seen. It was SO bad, it HAD to be intentional - if not, wow.

Snakes on a Plane.

Yeah, I succumbed to the hype.

Samuel L. Jackson is a master thespian, as far as B actors are concerned. During the course of the movie, I found myself laughing when nothing was supposed to be funny. People died, I guffawed. As snakes climbed down people's windpipes, or bit guys on the end of their peni, (is that plural for penis?) I could do little more than giggle. The gratuitous sex scene (mile high club, of course) included a snake biting a girl on the boob. (naturally) I kept expecting Jackson to go down into the cargo hold and discover a cage full of mongeese, (plural for mongooses?) which would lay waste to the reptilian marauders. No, instead...

(spoiler alert)

He tied everyone down to their seats, then shot out the plane windows to suck out the snakes.

Then, after both pilots died, (how predictable is that?) a passenger landed the plane based on his experience with a Sony Playstation.

I've had it with these MF-ing bad movies in our MF-ing theaters. I wonder what else I could have bought for $8.50.

Click here, it's a personalized message from Samuel L. Jackson to me. I feel so very special.

You can personalize and send one (via email or phone call) to whomever you want. Just go to www.snakesonaplane.com.

Fest your eyes on this

The packaging of artists and festivalizing of concert tours has simply gotten out of hand.

The originator and mack daddy of them all was, of course, Woodstock. I'm okay with that one, the Woodstock people were innovators. Plus, they came up with many new procedures for administering hallucinogenic drugs that are still bellwethers in the field of recreational pharmaceuticals.

But since then, we've seen a ridiculous littany of other "fests" that run the concept further into the ground than Bin Laden when he hears helicopters. Lollapalooza, Lilith Fair, Y'allapalooza (the country version) and a myriad of other "fests" make me feel like releasing moles onto the "festival-seating" lawns of every ampitheater I can find.

It's just an excuse to charge a goddamn fortune to see a concert. Pair up two or more artists and it's okay to charge $150 a ticket, $12 to park and NINE dollars for a beer because just LOOK at how many people are on that stage. Don't worry that you end up having time for only medleys of their big hits, and it takes two hours to change the stage for each act.

If we're going to continue this irritating trend of festivalizing concerts, let me suggest some artist combos that would make sense.

James Blunt/John Mayer/Art Garfunkel (for retro effect) in "Spineless-Wuss Fest."

Alanis Morissette/Sarah McLachlan/Jewel in "Bitter-Sad-Suspected-Lesbian Fest." (which is really just a ripoff of Lilith Fair)

Elton John/Boy George/George Michael/Lance Bass in "Obvious Fest."

Dixie Chicks/Barbra Streisand in "Please-Shut-The-Fuck-Up-and-Sing Fest."

Journey/Pure Prairie League/Firefall/Atlanta Rhythm Section in "Only-One-Original-Member-Left-In-The-Band-But-We-Still-Pretend-We're-Worth-Paying-To-See Fest."

When I start seeing a little realism in these shows, maybe I start going. Until then, I'll put my Lollapa-ipod on shuffle. It's cheaper.

Caption Contest

Winner gets one of those big, red, spicy, pickled weiners from the huge jar by the cash register of the Dew Drop Inn and Cantina just outside of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.



Let the games begin.

Gouge, George

I'm not entirely sure, but I think America is one of the few places in the world where you have to pay for things you don't use.

As I was talking recently about my cell phone situation, I realized that these companies are signing you up for 1 and 2 YEARS, and charging you a monthly rate even if you never use your phone. Then, if you desire to turn the phone off during that "contract" period, you are charged a hefty cancellation fee.

Same thing with tanning beds, gyms, etc. Their scam is to sign you up and charge your credit card every month, even if you haven't been in for weeks... or, in my case with the gym, months. Cancellation is possible, but you have to write a letter and mail it to the company. Then, probably about 30 percent of the time (according to friends who have done it) they "lose" the letter or claim to have never received it.

The problem is, we allow it. We sign up, we pay, and we don't complain. If we were smart, we'd draw the line and tell companies to shove it deep. As soon as my cell contracts are up, I think I will do pay-as-you-go. Likewise with my gym, I'd like to find a place that allows you to pay as you use it... even if, you know, you hardly ever use it. (Dr. Mike, you bastard, we need to get back to the gym. Stop making lame excuses like "my wife just had a baby.")

Are companies allowed to do this sort of thing in Europe? Asia? I'd like to know.
_____

Something does my heart good to see Boy George cleaning the streets of Manhattan. I'm not sure why I enjoyed this story - he seems to be an OK sort of person. I just guess it's human nature to find enjoyment in the misfortune of the famous. Especially when they have a british accent.*

Why do we get particular amusement out of seeing a famous person arrested? (Martha Stewart is a great example) I suppose it might have something to do with the fact that they are so often treated differently because of their fame or notoriety. I'll bet Letterman gets out of more traffic tickets than I ever dreamed of. I am SURE Paris Hilton never has to wait in line to get into a night club. I'm positive Rosie O'Donnell gets extra butter on her popcorn at the theater. (at least it appears she does)

So when any of these types have to pay some sort of price for something they've done, we revel in it. We celebrate it, if in no other way than to get a warm feeling seeing Boy George holding a plastic garbage bag.


*Why is it more satisfying when they have the british accent? Because they always sound just a bit condescending? Also, (and I don't mean this the way it will inevitably sound) does anyone else find it freaky to listen to a black person with a british accent? It just totally throws me off.

Unlikely phrase

"Someone Dave considers a friend is actually successful."

I tend to hang with people more like me - they muddle through, have no idea where tomorrow's meal is coming from, and generally love misery. I'm putting a stop to this trend posthaste and forthwith. And herein. Whatever.

Lightning Bug's Butt is a published author!

He has always been my favorite blogger, not to mention the subject of a horrible and unattractive jealous streak I don't often experience. But alas, I'm happy to hawk his new book on these meager pages, so that you too can experience the magic that IS "Alpha Johnson..." his pen name... which loosely translated, means "a dick."

To read a synopsis of his writing and order his book, click here. Don't get me wrong, I'm only helping myself, since the better my friends look, the better I look.

Weekend Poetry

Whispers

If you really listen,
You can hear
Whispers on the wind.

As a child,
I perceived it as
Little more than
The rustle of leaves
Or the quiet sigh of
A bird’s wing.

Now,
I hear.

Life speaks to us,
Its lessons sometimes
Bold and brash…
Others times,
Soft,
Quiet,
Gently hidden in the
Bustle of our lives
Like a vague,
Distant,
Haunting harmony.

You just
Have to listen.

Dave Morris, August 2006

Cell Hell*

The packages, phones and benefits of the major cell phone companies wax and wane more than Anna Nichole Smith's quest for dignity.

At this point in my life, I've been with all of the major cell companies at least once, some more. Every year or so, a company will upgrade their system, launch faster data services, better airtime packages, improve customer service, or merge with another company... briefly making it the best option for cell service. Then, the need to compete dictates changes at another company, and it's THEIR turn in the spotlight. These changes are as predictable as the phases of the moon and Floyd Landis' steroid excuses.

Right now, here is my situation regarding cellular:

Cingular - main cell phone, laptop data card, TREO PDA. (which sucks ASS, but I haven't cancelled the service yet)

Sprint - New PDA, daughter's cell phone.

Verizon - Built-in car phone. (which is simply a backup to the satellite phone that is also installed in the car) (yes, BMW frequently commits "overkill" with their connectivity efforts)

Bottom line... I have contracts with THREE different cell companies. Total monthly expenditure, $350. Once I cancel the extraneous PDA with Cingular, that figure will drop significantly.

As I was searching for a birthday present for my 17-year-old daughter, I first went to Cingular. They host my main cell number and I find their signal to be HIGHLY reliable. That was the extent of my positive experience... their phone selection sucked. Also, their "roll-over" plan is just advertising BS, you'll never really use the minutes and you LOSE them if you ever change your plan. Also, I've accumulated 9000 roll-over minutes, but they won't let me share them with anyone. Their customer service guy had no idea what he was doing, and had to call his supervisor four times. Screw you, Cingular. I left.

Then I went to Verizon. Customer service at the store REEKED, their selection of phones was better than Cingular, but still not good, and their signal has always given me fits. Those shortfalls reinforced the wisdom of a quick exit.

Third stop, Sprint. Nice set-up in the store, not a REAL long wait for service, and the selection of phones is pretty good. They have FREE incoming calls on some of their packages, you can choose your "off-peak" time, (7 or 9 pm) and Sprint-to-Sprint is unlimited, with a small upcharge. It definitely made the most sense for my daughter's needs, and although their signal is less reliable than either Verizon or Cingular, it still beats T-Mobile, US Cellular and the various little guys. I decided Sprint gets my business this time.

She loves her new (pink) phone. Since incoming calls are free, Dad will be keeping very close tabs on her whereabouts. But at dinner, she said something that is still ringing in my head. "Hey, the phone was only 40 bucks, you got off pretty easy on my birthday present."

I took a moment to reflect on that statement, waved away the smoke that had begun coming out of my ears, and collected my thoughts. (and did the math) "You mean one THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED dollars?"

Kids these days. They believe cell phone service is free. I felt this was a good time to outline the Rules Of The Phone. NO overages, she must get a job by October 8 (two months) and has to start paying her own cell bill within one year.

She gave me a look as if I had eaten a baby, then reluctantly agreed.


* I've had the same cell number for several years. I will likely never change it, thanks to number-porting... but the cell companies are hereby on notice: Be nice to me, or I will drop you like a... an... um... something, you know, that you drop.