Monday, September 29, 2008

O'Fallon's Biggest Loser

Arguably I could win this one hands down.

But this is a weight-loss contest. I must say I'm completely prepared... considering I am a fat bastard that could exist totally on undigestible materials.*

Last night was weigh-in and measurement time, and today was Day One. My diet today?
Breakfast - I cut a fart and ate it. Then I choked down a spider web and chased it with a shotglass of diet tonic water. (which was actually vodka but why does Emily have to know?)

Lunch - Marmoset jerkey and a soup of toenails 'n barley.

Dinner - Considering the stock market freefall today, I had to fight the urge to eat an entire skillet of Hamburger Helper, which is great depression food. Instead, I had rubber bands in (low sodium) teriyaki sauce. (and much more "tonic")

Dessert - distilled water. (Gilbey's brand)

Day one wasn't so bad. I'm feeling a little weak.

*I wonder why nobody's thought of the idea. Eat nothing but marbles for twelve weeks. You get a full feeling while subsisting on the ugly brown fat.


Clippy Mat said...

You are nuts!
toenails in barley?
i've been on similar diets by the way. and i GAINED.
think it was the rubber bands.

C said...

until you've eaten horseshoe clippings and toad spew soup sprinkled with dried scabs off a leper, i dont think you've REALLY dined. by the way, if you eat this, you will 4 SURE lose weight, i GUAREN-DAMN-TEE-IT!
you dont even have to excersize. yep, the bacteria alone will eat you from the inside out in no time.

now i think i will go puke......

Chris Johnson said...

Wish I was in your area today, I would stop by for dinner!