Tuesday, April 25, 2006

We be grillin', mon

One of the last few sacred refuges for a man, besides lying under the car on his back pretending to change the oil so he can safely take a nap, (and a break from the "honey-do" list) is standing behind the BBQ grill.

It's a man's domain, the grill - that's just a fact. It's long been my contention that an open flame is just too dangerous for women... and besides, you're very close to the cancer-causing carcinogens... NOT a safe place for the fairer sex to be.

Not to mention a woman's natural "place" is clearly in the kitchen.

In celebration of the start of grilling season, I'm posting here, with the expressed written consent of my brother Ron, THE RULES OF GRILLING.

  1. The woman does the shopping and meal planning.

  2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

  3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man... who, by this time, can be found lounging beside the grill. Here comes the important part:

  4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

  5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

  6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. Important again:

  7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. ASKS HER TO BRING HIM ANOTHER BEER.

  8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces... and brings them to the table.

  9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And, most important of all:

  10. It's customary to PRAISE the MAN and THANK HIM for his cooking efforts.

  11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.

I've found that these rules also apply to tailgate grilling prior to Cardinals games with the porta-weber. I've also noticed that generally, there is no sex on grilling nights. I suppose it's because the woman is afraid the man is covered with those cancer-causing carcinogens... that's all I can figure.

Anyway, bon apetit! Guys, I'll meet you at the grill for beers. Girls, see you in the kitchen.

---

Satire, people. Satire.

13 comments:

❉ pixie ❉ said...

yep, sounds about right.

Blogarita said...

I notice it takes THREE of you to grill half a dozen burgers and a package of hot dogs (which are more or less already cooked). Such skill!

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

When I was much younger, I was witness to my mother when she caught her acrylic nails on fire getting the fire started on our charcoal grill. With that image of her waving her hands around in the area yelling, "My hands are on fire! My hands are on fire!" -- I tend to actually agree with you. In no way am I demeaning my sex nor am I trying to put the woman's liberation movement steps backwards. I also don't like getting smoke in my eyes.

Oh, and there was always sex on grilling nights. :-)

Amandarama said...

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not in my house. The last time I let Mr. Scoop near a grill, the neighbors started asked questions about their missing cat. On the upside, that was one of the few times they did not assault us with baby pictures.

Eve said...

I feel jipped. THis is EXACTLY how it goes in our house... though you left out the HUMONGO mess that the man is required to make.

Oh, and the drunken passes after he fills his gut with meat and beer.

If I would have KNOWN this was in the marriage handbook... I would have NEVER bought him that cadillac of a grill for Father's Day ;).

Chris Cope said...

Ahh. This must explain why my wife hates when I grill.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

It's about time somebody categorized the rules and etiquette of grilling!

Weary Hag said...

Two things, Dave.
I can't relate to this "grilling season" you write of. We grill all year long - snow, hail, wind ... no matter - we say "BRING IT."

Secondly, the rules look pretty accurate to me except you left off the final step where the man pisses on the coals to put out the fire. Otherwise, I concur.

Mishka said...

I don't mind doing the actual grillling but I hate starting that thing. It is an old one and the electric ignition doesn't work and I am always afraid that while I am leaning in with the lighter, that I will lose my eyebrows in the blast...haha.

Lee Ann said...

Amazing! You got it all right except one thing... that generally, there is no sex on grilling nights.
Sorry, in my opinion...you men don't get the time off for a grill night!
*grin*

awaterpixie said...

Hey Mr. Morris - HOW THE HELL YOU BEEN!!!

I've missed ya.

::smooches::
Mara

OldHorsetailSnake said...

No. 11 tore my socks off.

Next time, ask the Little Woman if she would also like a beer. Later.

Kim said...

Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave!Happy Birthday to Dave! How does it feel to turn 50?