We be grillin', mon

One of the last few sacred refuges for a man, besides lying under the car on his back pretending to change the oil so he can safely take a nap, (and a break from the "honey-do" list) is standing behind the BBQ grill.

It's a man's domain, the grill - that's just a fact. It's long been my contention that an open flame is just too dangerous for women... and besides, you're very close to the cancer-causing carcinogens... NOT a safe place for the fairer sex to be.

Not to mention a woman's natural "place" is clearly in the kitchen.

In celebration of the start of grilling season, I'm posting here, with the expressed written consent of my brother Ron, THE RULES OF GRILLING.

1. The woman does the shopping and meal planning.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man... who, by this time, can be found lounging beside the grill. Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. ASKS HER TO BRING HIM ANOTHER BEER.

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces... and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And, most important of all:

10. It's customary to PRAISE the MAN and THANK HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.

I've found that these rules also apply to tailgate grilling prior to Cardinals games with the porta-weber. I've also noticed that generally, there is no sex on grilling nights. I suppose it's because the woman is afraid the man is covered with those cancer-causing carcinogens... that's all I can figure.

Anyway, bon apetit! Guys, I'll meet you at the grill for beers. Girls, see you in the kitchen.

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Satire, people. Satire.