Friday, April 07, 2006

This is just funny

This was forwarded to me by Emily, so I am not the author - but it's humorous:

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

4 comments:

Weary Hag said...

Wait. You mean some women actually want to be HELD after sex? Holy cow. I rather prefer the whole "okay, I'm done, now be a good boy and roll as far away from me as possible - oh yeah, and can you pass the remote and chocolate?" thing.

(great joke, Dave ... even though you weren't the author ... you promoted it. That counts for something)

CP said...

THAT IS FREAKIN' HYSTERICAL!!!

Anyway, I'm with wearyhag. I prefer my hotband to finish up, clean up and give me my space so I can just snoooooooooooze. No cuddling necessary. I'm not that needy. *L*

CP.

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

It depends on the type of sex. It was "making love" type sex than yes, I want to cuddle afterwards. If we were getting our groove on with pure animalistic desires (aka f*cking) than just roll over and let us catch our breaths to cool off. :-)

heidi said...

everyone missed that you didn't even GET sex! Nice comeback Dave...loved it. Personally...I ALWAYS feel like it.